Anna,

I am a Betrayed Spouse (which means that my husband had an affair) and I find your post to be full of courage and strength, showing that you are self-aware of your issue and desire to understand yourself and protect your relationship. I feel compelled to tell you this!

If you have a “sickening feeling of guilt” in your stomach, no matter what you have done or have NOT done, you need to listen to it and see what it is telling you. Infidelity in a relationship is not the ACTIONS of the Wandering Spouse (this is the euphemism, in the circle of those recovering from infidelity, referring to the person who went outside of the relationship to fill whatever need was actually missing or felt missing to them — and “spouse” is not meant as a legally married person). Those are actions that came about BECAUSE of infidelity, which starts from within.

It’s my opinion that you have two pieces of work to do with this: 1. Listen to your body and figure out what it is telling you. Face and explore those guilt feelings. Guilt can very well be our friend, if we allow it to tell us something about ourselves. In this instance, it can be a course changer.

The world can’t tell you what infidelity *looks like*, that’s a picture you have to paint for yourself — and your partner may very well have a different picture that they would paint. But relationship betrayal is very real, no matter what the actions are. Betrayal is ALWAYS a choice that is made. Sometimes it’s a really fast choice. Sometimes it’s fueled by alcohol. But it is always a choice. So, make informed decisions.

The other work is: 2. Set yourself up for success. When you make decisions about your relationship, and if they include your desire for non-betrayal, figure out what it will take to achieve this. This planning is a strength, not a weakness! A relationship is a third entity that two people (speaking about two people here, because I don’t have experience in polylove) create together. It’s a “thing” that exists for them. Sometimes we make choices for the benefit ourselves or for the benefit another person or for the benefit of the relationship between them. And the best choices are the ones that have been thought out beforehand.

I am brand-new to this forum, so I hope that it’s well-established that it’s okay to give opinions to people — and this is exactly what I’m giving. Please take or discard. I speak from my place, which is someone actively in recovery from the trauma of betrayal. If my husband had been as self-aware as you are now, I can imagine that we would be on a different path right now.

I also hope that it’s okay to make a book recommendation. There are TONS of books about betrayal recovery, prevention, etc. out there. I’ve read a lot of them, and some are just plain junk 🙂 But the one that I would recommend to you is called “Not Just Friends”, by Shirley P Glass. It’s not a “recovery” book (even though it’s subtitled as one), there is a great deal of things to think about with regard to relationships outside of the “marriage” (again, a general word to describe the committed relationship). I do believe it would help you figure out where your boundaries are in a very non-judgy way, and how you can strengthen those areas where you find yourself vulnerable in your boundaries.

One more thing, if I may. That “sickening feeling of guilt” may be telling you that this is not the right relationship for you … and that’s okay! The kindest thing you can do for the one you love is to acknowledge this and end the relationship with honesty and loving kindness BEFORE there has been anything that will cause trauma to your partner. That is the MOST courageous and loving thing you can do. Please. If there was anything that we Betrayed Spouses would like the world to know, this is it: The pain of honestly ending a relationship is NOTHING to the pain that comes of someone destroying it. You can’t un-ring a bell. Betrayal echoes on forever, for both the Betrayed and the Betrayer. Listen to your body. Guilt is heavy, but shame is heavier and lasts a much longer time. You are worth a life of honesty and happiness. As Anita said, this is a core belief. Your feelings of guilt may simply be a wake-up call for you to tend to this belief. Your stomach may be telling you, “Love me! I am worth it!” And if so, it is correct.