Dear anita,

Thank you for your advice. The second day went on much better, especially when a couple of friends told me regardless of what’s been going around, they are going to have my back no matter what.

I was surprised when the ex-narcissistic friend acted friendly towards me at the end of the first day. I tried to show that although there were no hard feelings, I was no longer interested in being in her circle of friends.

There remains one problem though. Remember the girl that I said I did not feel comfortable around from day one, but somehow forced myself to stay in a friendship with her? The one who was turned against me by the other friend? It’s just that I feel extremely uncomfortable around her. I remember back in the days I was always the first one to say hi, always the first one to ask her how she was doing. I can no longer bring myself to do that. As a result, we no longer talk, and I find this to be extremely awkward since I have never had the experience of “ignoring”  a previous friend. I know that she doesn’t care that much. She is happy as ever, and seems to be enjoying spending time with her new social circle. It’s somehow amusing to see that people who used to brutally complain and gossip about one another in my presence have now formed their own circle. I don’t believe such a friendship has got much depth to it, and therefore I’m glad that I’m no longer a part of it.

Still, thinking about that doesn’t help me with the sense of awkwardness. A part of me is glad that I’m finally free from her, that I no longer have to put up with the jokes that she made at my expense, or hear her criticising and making fun of my goals, dreams and interests. Another part of me, however, blames me for caring too much, especially when it is obvious that she doesn’t. I know that, if the situation were reversed, if I was being told that someone has been talking behind my back, the first thing I would do was to question the motive of the person who had brought me this piece of news. Are they trying to make themselves look good by destroying sb else’s reputation? Is it that they get a thrill out of turning people against each other? In either case, the intention behind such an act is highly questionable. The second thing I would do is to evaluate my own behavior. Had I done sth that caused a friend of mine to be upset? If so, I would have reached out to the friend, trying to solve the matter as calmly as possible as I valued their friendship above any sort of resentment or conflict.

I know I can’t blame her for doing none of this….I can’t force people to “care” about sth as much as I do. However, I find it easy to blame myself for taking her and her friendship too seriously, and as I said, I feel a sense of great discomfort around her. The thing is, I’ve decided not to put other people’s needs and feelings above my own. However, now that I no longer do it, I’m still stressed out. It appears to be lose-lose situation.

Mary

Dear anita,

I tried my best to do as you said, to not to be too hard on myself. However, right at the time when I thought I was making some progress, I lost another friend. Simply put, she said she was making sacrifices (e.g turning down narcissist’s request to join her on a group project) so that I wouldn’t be left alone. Now that I didn’t seem to appreciate her enough for this, she was out. I didn’t mean to under appreciate her. Besides, I didn’t have a clue she was doing this so that I wouldn’t be left alone. I told her these…she said ok. I guess I have lost her friendship as well.

Now I feel like a total wreck. My heart aches terribly as I feel unworthy and sinful. When will all these things come to an end? What can I do to remove the pain?

Mary

Dear anita,

The girl that I am talking about is a mutual friend of mine and my narcissistic friend. She is aware of all that has gone between us, she tried to act as a peacemaker, failed ( I believe her attempts actually resulted in worsening the matter to an extent) and then said she’s not gonna pick a side as that would come off as an immature act. She has had her own fights with the narcissist in the past…I get this impression that despite being critical of her behavior in her absence, she’s somehow afraid of her and wants to gain her approval so badly…sometimes what she said about her in her absence did not match the level friendliness that she showed in her presence.

So, after she said she’d turned down the narc’s request for joining her in a group project, I honestly didn’t think she was, to quote her own later words, “doing this so that you (Mary) wouldn’t be left on your own.” I simply thought she was doing this because she thought I had proven to be a student with a greater sense of responsibility.
A bit later after saying she’d like to group up with me she said she didn’t know how the narc was going to react to the turning down of her request. She said “I told her I may go to the professor and ask her to do my project single-handedly.” So, I thought she’s somehow afraid of the narc finding out that she wants to be in my group as we were not on good terms, and that maybe she wasn’t that serious about this suggestion after all. On the day on which we were to announce our group members she was sitting next to the narc, and didn’t even look at me once as we were to choose our team members. Someone else asked me to group up with her…I said OK. This girl announced the potential members of the group to the prof. After that I told her I guess the friend may want to be with me, but I have to check  first. I did so after the class, telling her although I’d be happy if she were in my group, I understood if she felt uncomfortable about how the narc may react if she realized she wanted to group up with me at the expense of turning down the narc’s request. She said she didn’t understand what I was saying, that she had turned down her request because of me, and that was the way I had chosen to than her. I explained that I didn’t know she was doing this for me, and that her earlier saying on talking to the prof to do her project single handedly had left me confused. I also said that on the day that we were to announce the potential members of our groups she was sitting next to the narc, making it impossible for me to reach out to her.
Any way, this friend no longer talks to me as she believes I’ve betrayed her in a way. I don’t believe I have, but it hurts.

Mary

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Mary899.

Dear anita,
You are right…I guess my feelings are way too intense.

You know, by the time she told me that she’s said to the narc that she may want to do the project singlehandedly, I couldn’t help thinking why she didn’t just tell her that she wants to be in my group and not hers in the first place. Was she afraid/ashamed of telling her this? And what was the point in telling ME she had told the narc that she may want to do her project alone? I thought by telling me this she may have wanted to imply that she doesn’t want the narc to know she wants to be with me, and I thought I was respecting her decision by not bringing it up in the narc’s presence. I guess she didn’t see the things the way I did.

Now I’m worried…I don’t want her to end up on her own because of me. I don’t know whether I have done everything I could to clear the air. I didn’t want our friendship to end over sth as trivial as that. It seems no matter how much I try, as long as the narc is in the picture, I always end up on the square one. I guess the only way is to let go of everyone who is somehow involved with her…come to think of it, I’m already rejected by all our mutual friends. She was the last one.

Mary

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Mary899.
• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Mary899.

Dear anita,

One month has passed…I was hoping that as you said, they would think of the mess caused about 5 months ago as sth that belongs to the past. I tried cutting all the ties and keep as great a distance as possible, trying to focus on my studies. However, as it appears they’re not willing to let it go. They talk behind my back, making up stories and rumors, and if anyone tries to say sth in my defense they later accuse me of ” having shared the story with people who were not involved, trying to play the victim.”

Recently  they have said I’ve cheated my way through becoming the top student in class 6 semesters in a raw.

I  don’t know what to think or how to react. More than anything, I want to be able to feel good and at ease despite all that is going around…to no longer have this unpleasant feeling in my chest.

Mary

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Mary899.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Mary899.