Dear all, first of all I have to warn you that this is gonna be a long writing, so please bear with me. I don’t have someone close to talk to, so I decided to write my problems here, in a hope that someone will at least give me some insights so that I can feel okay again.

I am a 30-year-old woman who lives in a Southeast Asian country. I grew up in a small village for 17 years, then I moved to a big city to pursue my education (from 2005-date). I come from a poor family, where I have never had anything fancy in my childhood; I have not even had a gut to ask for a new t-shirt back then when I was a young girl. My dad only graduated from a vocational school, while my mom was only a middle school graduate. However, both of them tried very hard for their kids’ education; mom and dad have been living separately because dad has to work outside the island, and mom once was a herbal seller in another city (now she stays at home in the village). I have one  older bro and little sis. Bro has already lived with his family in a city, 2.5 hour drive from where I live, while my sis has just graduated. Three of us went to three different best state universities with scholarships. This is probably the best achievement my family has ever gained.

Back when I was in university, I had to earn money to continue living in a big city alone, far from home. I taught English (private lesson) and applied for a job in an educational institution, working from 4 pm after class to 9 pm. I did not own any computer or a laptop so I went to a computer rental in my area until 12 or 1 am. I did that because my family could not send enough money for my living cost. Thankfully, I graduated within only 3.5 years even if I had to spare my time for study, doing my tasks, teaching, and participating in several extracurricular activities. Then, I applied for a job as an editor in a publishing company with a very minimum wages because I just wanted to have the experience and I was only a fresh graduate. The salary that I earned was not only for me, because I had to help my family too. So I could not save much, sometimes I had to eat only twice a day so that I could survive.

One day, I met my (ex) husband on a Facebook, yes! He was actually one of my friends’ friend so we had mutual friends. We met in the first time in his city where he still went to his university. We were in a relationship for 4 years before we decided to get married. He was an okay guy at that time, a little bit stubborn, and rude when we were in a fight (he once pulled my hair and said bad words), of course I thought it was normal. His parents forced us to get married soon although part of me was actually not ready because we had very little saving for the post-wedding party. Then we really did get married in 2013. In the first three months after living in a small rental room, we decided to rent a home. But since we were broke and we did not intend to bother our parents about our condition, we only managed to live in a rent home near a slump area. Not only that, my ex-husband started to annoy me day by day; he never wanted to help me with the chores nor taken me out for recreation. I felt so bored with my life!

One day, he told me that he actually had debts in a bank to cover the company’s belonging that he took (several piles of books) to be sold the next week due to flood hitting in his area where he lived before we got married. It was a shocking news for me because it happened before the wedding and he never told me that! yet I told him to not be worried as I still worked for both of us. So, long story short, we agreed to let his earning to cover installment he made for the bank, and my earning went for our daily expenses. For the past 1 year, I had to share my income for myself, my parents, and my husband! I felt like I was so broke and sad at that time, because the marriage that I was depicting in my mind was different from the reality. Not only that, my ex started to ignore my needs and saw me not as a wife. One day, he was throwing things when we had an argument and I ended up crying in our room, he did not care.

I could not stand the life I had. We then got separated. It made me feel like I was a failure in my family. I cried and sobbed for the past three months, thinking the whys and what ifs. I thought I had done enough for us. I remember one night I was thinking about ending my life so that all the problems I had would have gone forever, but my mom always appeared on my mind. I survived that night.

One year later, I found a guy in one of online site where he commented on my comment about a meme. I did not know why but that guy followed all the comments I made in that site. One month later we ended up sending DMs in instagram where I could see his posts and he could saw mine. Not long after that, we had intense talks in Whatsapp. That guy was from another country, 6 years younger than me, and kinda hot. We were then building a long-distance relationship. It was not in my intention to fall in love again after my divorce with my ex, but the love I felt was really real and pure. We talked once in every two or three hours and then had a video chat at night. He was living in one of South Asian countries with his family and working at a smartphone company. Apparently, he is from a rich family where his dad has a big smartphone workshops, the most popular one in his city. Things were great and he was kinda cute, attentive, and funny guy. One day, he told me that his parent asked him to break up with me because he has to marry a girl of their favorite, yup, an arranged marriage. I was so devastated and crying all night long, asking him to not break up with me that moment and he agreed as he still loved me. In December, I paid him a visit to his country and we went to a very nice city together (I almost cried writing this, looking back the good times we had), of course his parents did not know this because if they knew that he was in relationship with me, they would get angry at him and asked him to cut me off. I appreciated what he did to me during that time, he lied to his parents so that he could be with me traveling to another city.

In January, he was sent abroad to pursue his masters degree, a country which is actually closer to mine. I gave him supports and we continued video calling each night to just say good night or talked about our days. Three months later, I paid him a visit again to his apartment where we had a lot of fun for the second time, we went to clubs together, had fun and made out each night. I was so happy!

Then, 2 weeks ago, he broke me up because I was asking him to reply to my message which I sent 1 hour ago. He looked active in messenger but didn’t reply me, so I was a bit upset saying ‘babe just reply when you were active, if not i will kill you’. He was so mad maybe because I said that when his friend was visiting him, so he could hear what I said in video call. Then he called me names and saying that this relationship is over. To be honest, we did fight a lot in our relationship due to many reasons, be it him being so lazy to text me back, or he forgot to check on me after his class finished. And during our fights, he always said rude things like “fuck you”, or “go to hell” kind of phrases. I knew he was rude but I still accepted him by giving him some advice that all women won’t like to be treated that way. Many times he apologized and I always forgave, even when I checked his email and caught him trying to talk to girls in a dating site, in which he was crying for apologize and prevented me from going ( I was visiting him when I caught him doing so). He reasoned that he did that because he felt so upset we always picked fights and he swore that he never replied to any girls’ messages. I forgave him!

But I made a small mistake by saying “i will kill you if you dont reply me back” and he was mad at me big times, and broke me up in a bad term. I tried to explain that it was not serious by calling him again, but he rejected all my calls telling me to fuck off.

I WAS SO ANGRY AT MY SELF AND I FELT SO LOST!!

Three days later, I tried to call him again and he picked up. I asked him did he really want to break up and he said yes. He made an explanation that the relationship was not working because his parents always told him to cut me off and be with a girl of their favorite. I was asking will he see a girl before he gets married, he said he does not want to be in a relationship with anyone.

I feel like all my time and efforts I put for this relationship is wasted. I feel so sad about what have happened to me, to my life. Why is it that I felt like I found a new love after my divorce, but then the universe did not conspire?

I am feeling like i hit the bottom twice! I cry every night thinking about the possibilities if I did not say that sentence, would he still stay?