Home→Forums→Relationships→I feel lost, not sure what i should do (LDR)
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October 2, 2016 at 7:17 pm #116963
SarahParticipantHi everyone! I just signed up on this site because I’m in need of some advice from caring people, which I think you all are in here, so thank you so much in advance to those who take the time to read my post.
Okay, so the thing is I’m having a little trouble with… a guy, I am currently in some type of long distance “relationship” (let’s say it is, to make things simple, I guess) I have known this guy for over a year now, we started out as just friends but as we got to know each other more and more we started developing romantic feelings, he was never the type of guy who would “sweet talk” me into anything, just a little fun flirting here and there, he was always caring, and made sure to dedicate a little time to me no matter how busy he might have been at some point, seeing how consistent he was, and how good of a person he seemed to be (very family oriented, responsible, a gentleman, studious, intelligent, well, you get the point haha) I thought that maybe I had found a great match, despite of the physical distance between us, not too long ago, he confessed to me, he said that he liked me, and that he knew i felt the same as him, it made me really happy to hear what I had been expecting for some time now, he also told me that sadly, we had to keep in mind that we couldn’t really be anything more than “just friends” because we live far away from each other, but he was hoping that if by the time he graduates from college both of us are still single, he would come over to my city to work as an intern (he’s a med student), so that we could date properly and define our relationship for real, although we should not feel obligated to wait for one another, and to keep an open mind in regards to new people in our lifes and potential dates and partners, which I think is a very mature thing to do.
A couple of months passed since then and our feelings just seemed to grow stronger as days went by, he said he couldn’t wait for us to meet (we were planning to have me go and visit him), we even got “intimate” if you know what I mean, things were just great! I couldn’t stop telling my friends how great of a guy he was, and he even took the time to get to know my friends (we made a whatsapp group to chat) I literally had nothing bad to say about him.
He’s always been very sarcastic and a bit blunt sometimes, but a couple of weeks ago he started acting up and became really distant, even more blunt than he was before to the point where he started saying things that hurt my feelings, I tried talking to him about it and he said that he was just “busy”, I confronted him saying that I understand him being busy, and was totally fine with it, everyone needs their own personal time, but the thing I could not accept was his demeaning behavior towards me, and that I felt he had lost respect for me, months ago he would make time to text me even if it was only a good night text, but now he can go a day without even talking to me, I mean a single text to know he’s okay wouldn’t hurt or take much time away right?
I feel like we are falling into the typical situation where the guy gets the girl, and once he has her, he gets bored and stops putting in effort. At the same time, I am unsure whether it is okay or not for me to confront him about any of this, because we are not in a real relationship after all, therefore he has no obligations towards me.
I got to the conclusion that making myself a little detached from him would be a good idea, to stop expecting things from him, so things could go back to being relaxed and carefree as they were some time ago. It still hurts to see someone drifting away or losing interest in you, we’re only human, and I still care for him after all.
I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, or how I should deal with this situation, some insight from different points of view or perhaps sharing your experiences would be very helpful, I apologize for the long post, I just had to get all this off my chest, and thank you once again to those who took the time to read!
P.D.: English is not my first language, so i also apologize for any mistakes!
October 2, 2016 at 8:56 pm #116969
AnonymousGuestDear sjvp1994:
Read like a nice love story until the paragraph where you wrote ” the thing I could not accept was his demeaning behavior towards me, and that I felt he had lost respect for me”
Can you be specific about the nature of his demeaning behavior toward you, give a couple of examples?
anita
October 2, 2016 at 9:56 pm #116978SarahParticipantHello there, thank you so much for your reply.
He often jokes in a cruel way, saying I’m not very smart or that I’m kind of dumb, or putting down my career saying how irrelevant it is (I am a fashion designer), he once ranked my appearence “on a scale from 1 to 10” (without me even asking) and I found it very hurtful because if you love someone, or at least appreciate them enough, mere numbers shouldn’t be able to describe what you see in that person (or is that going too far and I need a reality check?) Well, at least I know I wouldn’t do that to him. He realized what he had just done, apologized for it and tried to make feel better though, said he didn’t mean to upset me.
I did, however, ask him once if all those things were simple jokes or if he really meant any of that, he said they were all jokes. But I have a very low self esteem, and he knows that, I don’t know if that’s just the way he is, the way his humor works, or if I’m being overly dramatic and too sensitive about it.
October 3, 2016 at 3:18 pm #117096AnonymousGuestDear sjvp1994:
After just reading your last post, going back to your dilemmas/ questions in your original post:
* ” I am unsure whether it is okay or not for me to confront him about any of this, because we are not in a real relationship after all, therefore he has no obligations towards me.”
Yes, it is okay, actually, it is necessary that you confront him about his disrespectful communication to you. It is necessary to confront anyone regarding their disrespectful behavior toward you no matter the nature of the relationship. If a person disrespects you- there shouldn’t be any relationship.
He does have an obligation to act and communicate with you respectfully. It is his obligation!
He said that his disrespectful comments to you were jokes, well, he better stop joking.
* You suggested “making myself a little detached from him would be a good idea, to stop expecting things from him”- when a person disrespects you, detach yourself all the way to No- Contact whatsoever. Disrespect is not something you should endure, learn to live with without getting so hurt. It is something he shouldn’t be doing!
As you can read, I greatly dislike his disrespect of you described in your last post.
Do post again, anytime.
anita
October 3, 2016 at 4:37 pm #117101SarahParticipantThank you once again, Anita (my name is Sarah, by the way). You are a hundred percent right, getting hurt and being disrespected is something no one should ever have to endure, I am aware it isn’t a healthy trait in any relationship.
I made it clear to him that I wasn’t comfortable with this kind of behavior, and he told me to point things out whenever I felt that way, so that he could be aware of it as well.
Right now I feel like we are in this “trial” period, I’m going to be evaluating how things go in the next few days.
Aside from that, I’m not sure what to think about his “lack” of time lately, he used to wake up at the same time as me just to wish me good luck at work or to say good morning, now he doesn’t seem to care much, is this something I should be concerned about?
October 3, 2016 at 6:27 pm #117111AnonymousGuestDear Sarah:
I like you using the verb “evaluating”- do evaluate his behavior over time and come to your conclusions based on your evaluation.
Maybe he doesn’t know his comments were disrespectful. Maybe he never learned that, being used to such comments in his household. So patiently teach him and expect him to be a good student and fast!
But… if his escalating disrespectful comments coincides with him having less time with you, that may be significant. Interesting: he has less time for you and yet he put more disrespect in his limited time?
Did you ask him why he has less time…?
anita
October 3, 2016 at 7:51 pm #117115SarahParticipantMaybe he doesn’t know his comments were disrespectful. Maybe he never learned that, being used to such comments in his household. So patiently teach him and expect him to be a good student and fast!
This is a great piece of advice, thank you, I will definitely keep it in mind!
And yes, I did ask him what’s been going on, he recently started going to the gym and some relatives from another state are currently staying at his house. He became pretty distant so the first thing I asked him was if he was okay, if everything was alright, he said yes and that he was just busy and I needed to understand that, of course I understand, but the thing is that he wasn’t this way before. Right now he’s on a break from college, but when he was still attending classes, no matter how busy he was (and he was, a lot) he always made at least a tiny bit of time for me.
I also don’t want to be a burden if something else is bothering him, so I try to stay positive and cheer him up, but sometimes he ends up bringing me down.
October 4, 2016 at 10:43 am #117163AnonymousGuestDear Sarah:
This relationship with him, like any relationship in your life, needs be a Win-Win deal. If he repeatedly brings you down (your last line)- then it is a Lose for you.
You make good observations: he was busy before but had time for you, so why is being busy now a reason to not have time for you?- good question. His business is going to the gym and having relatives living with him while before, being busy was studying.
Maybe…studying was a lonely kind of busy-ness- he studied alone, he and the subject-matter. You were a break from the lonely occupation of studying. Now he goes to the gym and interacts with people there. And he interacts with relatives at home. Now he is not lonely anymore. So he doesn’t need a break from loneliness.
What do you think?
anita
October 4, 2016 at 4:53 pm #117198SarahParticipantMaybe you are right Anita, you’ve got a really good point right there, I feel like I used to be his “happy place”, and I’m not anymore.
It seems like the last couple of days he’s been slightly more available for me, I don’t know if things will continue to improve or if we’ll be stuck in this situation.
For the time being, I’m just trying to be patient and stay strong as I evaluate how things go.
October 4, 2016 at 7:25 pm #117205AnonymousGuestDear Sarah:
You wrote that you may be “stuck in this situation.”
You don’t have to be stuck in most situations, and this one is not one you have to be stuck in. To be stuck in a situation, means you have no control, no say- and you are dependent on another for your well being. Not a good strategy, attitude, way of living.
Be directive- take charge, in an assertive Win-Win way, patiently, maybe, but do take charge.
anita
October 4, 2016 at 8:00 pm #117215SarahParticipantBeing in charge has always been a bit of a struggle for me, but I’m working on it! I know that if I don’t speak my mind and make decisions for myself this relationship will definitely not be a win for me.
Your advice has been wonderful, and your words have encouraged me to keep going, thank you so much once again, Anita. I wish you the best!
October 4, 2016 at 8:14 pm #117216AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Sarah and thank you for your appreciation. Practice taking charge in small ways, and you will get better and better at it. Post anytime.
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