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I feel people keep leaving because I’m not my best self

HomeForumsPurposeI feel people keep leaving because I’m not my best self

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  • #367822
    Kali
    Participant

    I’ve been left my past two relationships. My first one was toxic, but it was the first time I felt totally in awe over another human. My next one I thought was my saving grace, he treated me well, talked about marriage and kids and living together. We said we loved one another and met eachothers families. I truly thought this was it for me.

    We got in a silly fight last week and he said since then he has been re-evaluating the relationship, and then yesterday he said he doesn’t think it makes sense for us to go any further and he broke it off. I am so confused how one can change so suddenly and go so cold due to one fight. This also put me back in a very confused place in my own life.

    I don’t know who I am, I don’t think I ever really did. I am a shattered person who can’t save money, can’t find a career worth keeping, can’t create healthy habits, and can’t stop smoking cigarettes. I know if I give myself the internal push that it will help, but I am feeling like I’m in such a bad place and don’t like what I see in the mirror. I can’t fathom wanting to date again as I feel it will be a long, hard journey to love myself. I don’t know where to start to love myself. I reached out to hopefully get therapy, but I don’t know how to settle my mind until I can get real help. I’m 26, and I know that’s young, but I am so fed up with hating myself and where I am in life. I don’t want anyone else to walk away because of my inability to love and nurture myself. I don’t even remember what my personality was.

    #367846
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kali:

    I will respond to a few things you shared, and I hope to read back from you.

    “We got in a silly fight last week, and he said since hen he has been re-evaluating the relationship, and yesterday.. he broke it off. I am so  confused how one can change so suddenly and go so cold due to one fight”- depending on the nature of the fight, it is possible to go so cold as a result and break up a relationship. For example, if (and I have no reason to assume the following because I have no information about the fight), if during that one fight, you hit him, or called him terrible names, and/ or humiliated him.. then it makes sense that he will turn cold and break up with you.

    Here is another related possibility, another if: if you are used to people hitting/ calling names etc., in your family of origin, you may think it’s not a big deal, that it is something you got used to and everyone should. But a healthy person will not accept such a behavior from another.

    “I am a shattered person who can’t save money, can’t find a career worth keeping, can’t create healthy habits, and can’t stop smoking cigarettes… I’m in such a bad place and don’t like what I see in the mirror”- I imagine that as a child, growing up, you were criticized a lot, by a parent, or older siblings, or both. For a child, what she sees in the mirror is not who she really is, but what she is told and shown that she is. If a child is told: you are a Nobody!, that’s what she  will see in the mirror: a Nobody. Such a reflection in the mirror is most painful, it does shatter the heart of a child who desperately needs to feel valued, a Somebody, to her own family.

    “I don’t know where to start to love myself”- when a child is loved, she/ he does not ask this question. At 26, you are still that child, unloved- are you?

    “I don’t even remember what my personality was”- a loving and lovable child, that’s who you were, and who you still are, underneath the false reflection. It’s about finding a mirror you can trust.

    anita

    #367847
    Alex
    Participant

    Hi Kali, I really relate to some of your struggles right now. It’s very hard to function and have a happy life when we feel like we’re just a broken mess of a person! And trying to become a not-broken-mess seems incredibly overwhelming. I’m glad you said that you’ve reached out to get therapy, because having that neutral person will be helpful in challenging your own thoughts about yourself. In the meantime, maybe some mindfulness practice and guided meditations could help you start to practice seeing yourself and your thoughts and feelings with less judgment. It’s not easy (I’m doing this right now with varying success) but I think it can be helpful. Underneath everything you think of yourself as, there’s a person who is really strong and cool and lovable and worth all the things you think you aren’t. It can take time to find that person again, and then it can take time to believe that you really are that person. But it’s a worthwhile journey.

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