Lately, I’ve just been feeling so separated from all my friends.

Sorry, it’s a bit of a long read, the paragraph with *—* around it is how I’m feeling and the rest is just the stories leading up to why I feel this way.

This pretty much all started at the beginning of this year, year 10. I was always so close to my small group of girlfriends. I never really clicked with anyone else besides these girls because of my personality and just lack of wanting to rebel or go to parties like regular teenagers at 15-16 do. Everything was just fine, I didn’t really have too much stress or worry all the way through year 7-9 until one of my friends moved to a different country. I guess I can’t really say things went south for everyone, it really was only me getting emotionally disconnected from the rest. The year began, we were all pretty down about losing a really close friend but dealt with it well. It wasn’t too far into the year before school even began, my best friend got a boyfriend. I thought it would be fine, we’d just be normal but with a guy in our group. I was even prepared to get used to her focussing most of her attention on him because it was her first relationship and that’s normal. And as her best friend, I’m meant to accept that and support her. The problem was, I started getting this painful loneliness that I hadn’t felt since year 6 when I struggled to find friends. I still had the rest of my friends who were also kind of pissed about her attention being completely on him, not even hanging out with us anymore. But I still ‘hurt’. I felt betrayed and eventually, we consulted her about it and she admitted that she didn’t give two shits about her “best friends” feelings and we had a bit of a break from being her friend. She eventually came back to us without an apology, but she was a little bit better than before. Me, being a forgiving person, brushed off the past and tried to fix our friendship. I doubt we’ll ever call each other best friend again though…

So that was the beginning. I felt disconnected from the person I thought cared about me most because I cared about her more than anyone. I started being closer to my family, slightly losing trust in the people I used to tell everything.

A few months passed and another one of my friends got into a relationship and with her partner, his friends joined our group. Increasing our number of people and conversation topics. This was when I realised my friends didn’t really seem to notice when I was down and rarely tried to cheer me up. I’m not an attention seeker, so I do try to hide my problems but the usually saw past my fake smile. Now with their focus on their boyfriends, I was an afterthought.

*Late this year I received information that both of the single girls in my friendship group were going to move away and out of my school. Therefore, I would be the third wheel for both of my other friends. I didn’t want this so I decided to at least try and fit in with the guys. I don’t understand why, but I just always felt misplaced in every conversation. Like I was eavesdropping instead of contributing. I started sitting away from my friends and focussing more on work and I didn’t want to explain why in fear that I would hurt their feelings by saying I feel uncomfortable around them. Recess was even harder because I’d be so confused, I wanted to contribute but I physically couldn’t. I tried to stand in the circle but because I never really add to the conversation in fear that I will be ignored or cringed upon (happened a few times) I’d be shoved aside and they wouldn’t even notice.
I swear I’ve gained social anxiety from these problems and I find myself unable to form conversation with anyone. By keyboard, microphone, face to face, message, anything. I just don’t know how to contribute. I feel like I don’t belong literally anywhere I go. I find myself not even leaving the house anymore because I fear conversation and embarrassment. I don’t go to people’s houses and try any excuse to get out of plans to do so just because I fear the awkwardness of acting like we hardly know each other. *

I just want to know if it’s just a faze or if I need help or idk… I hope this was all readable, and thanks to anyone who replies 🙂