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I had a wonderful relationship that suddenly ended…Please help.

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  • #368611
    Jane
    Participant

    Hello,

    so I was dating a wonderful man for 5 months. We never fought. He treated me like gold. He introduced me to his parents and friends. I never felt so sure about someone because of how wonderfully he treated me.

    when we first started dating, he had a stable 9-5 job that he had for 5 years. 1.5 months into our relationship, he left that job and began working independently. He traveled for 2 months abroad for this.

    I know it was hard on him and I tried being as supportive and loving as I could while taking care of my own life and my heart. He came back from his work trip and we started our relationship up again in-person.

    a week into his being back (which we had an amazing time) he started a local job that had him traveling an hour for work and working 15 hour days. Also, he was in the process of buyi  Nd a home during this time.

    this caused us to see each other less but we still had a great time when we were together.

    on the last week of our relationship…this is where things really “happened”

     

    on Sunday we had an incredible date. I brought him into my life more than I ever have and him, his family and neighbors all saw me doing what I do best and interacting with children (which is what I do for work). That night we made the most mind blowing love…and by his reaction I know it was amazing. He also told me, while holding my hand, that “2020 is a great year because I met you”.

    then…Wednesday, we were supposed to get together – he canceled because he was tired from work.

    then Friday…he tried cancelling again. I said I’m disappointed and he agreed to see me. That night was low key but nice. In the morning he did something really insensitive…he acted in a way I have never seen before. He left me on the beach for close to 2 hours while he surfed. Didn’t ask me if that was okay with me, didn’t show any consideration. He just jumped in the water. I was upset but because I understand how hard his work schedule  is, I didn’t want to get get him out of the water from doing what he loved (surfing) and I also didn’t want to talk about it because feeling like I was disposed of on our one date of the week was hurting me. So I grabbed an Uber and told him that I was going to leave. I didn’t get mad. I told him why and I said I want him to keep doing what he wants.

     

    well, he broke up with me the next day.

    the break up was so confusing and hurt me so much. He said that was not something he would like to see in a partner. We have never had any issues and we had really the most beautiful time together. I really thought, and I still do, think he’s the one.

    Can you help me understand what happened? I am so blindsided and hurt.

     

    #368664
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jane:

    You shared that one and a half months into your relationship (3.5 months to go) with a  man who treated you like gold, he left his job and traveled for two months abroad, working independently. He returned and the relationship resumed (1.5 months to go). After a week of “an amazing time”, he started a local job that kept him busy 16 hours a day while he was busy in the process of buying a home. You saw him less during that time, but when the two of you were together, you “still had a great time”.

    On the last week of the relationship, a Sunday, he brought you to his family and neighbors, all could see how well you interacted with children, the two of you had “the most mind blowing love” that night, and he told you: “2020 is a great year because I met you”.

    Three days later, Wednesday, he cancelled a date, saying he was tired from work. Two days later, Friday, he tried to cancel a date again. You told him that you were disappointed and he agreed to see you. It was a nice, low key night. The morning after, Saturday, the two of you went to the beach and he left you there for two hours while surfing, without asking you if it is okay with you, he “just jumped in the water”. You didn’t tell him that you were angry, you told him instead that you want him “to keep doing what he wants”, and took an Uber home. Sunday- he broke up with you, saying, “that was not something he would like to see in a partner”.

    “Can you help me understand what happened?”-

    – my guess is that he introduced you to his parents, friends and neighbors and treated you like gold because that’s how he generally behaves with women he dates, or at least, with women he likes or thinks make him look good-enough, not because he thought of you long-term.

    My guess is that the night of “the most mind blowing love” hit you in the heart more than it hit him in the heart, so to speak. It may have been a most mind-blowing sensual experience for him, but not so much of the heart-blowing experience.

    My guess is that when he canceled the date with you on Wednesday or when he tried to cancel the date on Friday, he was already thinking of ending the short-term relationship. When he left you alone on the beach for two hours on Saturday, he was planning on you getting the message: that he was done with the relationship. Maybe he was hoping that you will break up with him that Saturday, and when you didn’t, he broke up with you the Sunday after.

    Because “the most mind blowing love”-making experience impresses any and every man, and no man is likely to give up an encore of such an experience, I am guessing that he lost interest in you because he was already seeing another woman: a new woman in his life, or a previous relationship revived and resumed.

    I am sorry for your pain and hope you feel better very soon. It is painful when what was so meaningful and significant to us.. was not the same for the other person.

    anita

    #368669
    Jane
    Participant

    he told me he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose our connection.

    And the love making was better for him than it was for me…I know by his reaction.

    #368672
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jane:

    I will be back to your thread and reply further in about 12 hours from now. Feel free to add anything you’d like to add before I return.

    anita

    #368683
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jane:

    “he told me he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose our connection”- and then he ended the connection.

    “the love making was better for him than it was for me… I know by his reaction”- and then he ended the relationship.

    Why did he end it, I don’t know and neither do you, but there is a reason, or reasons. I already came up with a possible reason, and that is that another woman entered or re-entered his life. It could be that his loving feelings/ passion don’t last, having an expiration date of a few months.

    What is certain is that you are very hurt, and you are confused, not understanding how something so promising .. is no more. Reads to me that you did nothing wrong in this relationship and that his reasons have to do with him, not with you.

    Best you can do at this point is what is called self-care, being good to yourself, from relaxing in a hot bath to taking a refreshing walk in nature… engaging in healthy activities that will promote your emotional healing from this painful breakup, and then learn all that you can learn from this experience, so to lessen the chances of you experiencing this kind of heartbreak in the future.

    If it helps you to share about it here, to type away your thoughts and feelings, please do, I will read your words and reply every time you share.

    anita

    #368703
    dreamfool
    Participant

    Hi Jane,

    Sorry to hear about your story. I have a very similar story, so I completely understand the confusion and anxiety comes with that. All of a sudden you felt you misread where things are at between the two of you, and you put your heart out there for someone who actually can’t reciprocate. The reason he gave me was he didn’t think I was emotionally ready for a serious relationship. I want you to reflect hard because it helped me. I noticed that I was saying stuff that came from fear, which in turns pushed him away (unconsciously to both him & I). My message, trying to meet a need of wanting assurance, was not delivered clearly to him, thus I didn’t get what I need and he started to feel a little taken back. I also noticed that several times he was trying to meet his need for assurance/security of our relationship in subtle ways, I got scared and didn’t respond. That probably also feeds into his feeling of me not wanting to be in a serious relationship. I don’t know if these apply to you, but think back and hard about what you need and what he needs (do you know?). I was able to reach out and he agreed to meet. I told him my realizations above and wanted to own up to my words (or lack of) such as I wish I could have said xxx instead of yyy etc. It was a great meeting; we both have a lot more clarity. I don’t know your situation is similar, but if you do find these “hints” in the past, it will bring you a lot more peace and if you can still talk to him and verify, it will bring closure.  Good luck to you!

    #369299
    Jane
    Participant

    Hello, thank you so much for your response.

    This does ring true for myself. The way I related to him changed a bit when he went on his first work trip.

    I remember him telling me about this new change in lifestyle and though I was happy for him and shared his excitement, I felt my heart drop for myself. I did start to act emotionally unavailable when he went away and push him away in little ways and I know he felt it. I didn’t mean to, he just changed his lifestyle and that was actually a criteria I was looking for heavily when I met him – someone who is happy where they are at and stable in their life. He was and then he made a huge lifestyle change.

    I would push him away in little ways while he was away. I would say that I don’t want to FaceTime that night and not give a reason, I would not want to watch a TV show that we set up as our “from distance date night” and not give a reason. He felt that. And then when he was back, I got an Uber home from the beach because he put me in a tough situation and I thought it was best to leave. That is the initial thing that ended our relationship.

    he’s said it all as a reason though.
    he’s said it was because of the way I acted at the beach, he said it will never be the same, he said it’s because of his work and he doesn’t have time. He said all those things while still sayi go he doesn’t want to lose out connection and that he loves me. He wanted to be friends but I told him I couldn’t do that because I love him too much. He reaches out, and still likes pretty much all my instagram photos. I haven’t been engaging with him because he broke up with me after all. He severed ties at our first disagreement. He never showed any concern for why I left the beach, he was just upset with me that I did. I still think it was the Right thing to do in a crappy no-win situation.

    I honestly just want a shot again but I don’t know what to do. I am afraid of being friend zoned

    #369302
    Jane
    Participant

    There isn’t another woman. There could be another one that he’s talking to casually, but no one serious. He can’t do that right now.

    his life is really stressful and he is a really great guy. He thinks that he couldn’t give me what I need right now.
    When I started dating him I had a pretty solid list of criteria that I was looking for and would work for me. I am 30 so I Starting to take my dating more seriously. One of my main criteria is that he knew where he wanted to be and he had a stable job. He did when I met him. Then a month into us dating he quit that job and started traveling for a month at a time for work. Though it wasn’t what I wanted I found him to be everything I looked for in a man and he was so incredible I tried my best to be supportive and see that this is temporary.

    however, during this period, I became emotionally unavailable because fears started coming up because of this change. I would act distant in little ways and I think he really felt it.

     

    then I did something that he felt was disrespectful. That day at the beach I mentioned earlier. I can understand how he felt it was disrespectful, however I can also see my point of view. There was really only 3 options I had: 1) continue to sit on the beach by myself and feel terrible 2) pull him out from surfing and ask him to sit with me, which would then make me feel stupid and possible make him resent me 3) accept he chose to surf instead of being with me and that is what he really wanted to do and let him do it…but also to not put myself in an uncomfortable situation and leave. So I chose 3.

    I honestly do see the validity of us not being together. But it sucks because the way our break up went down shows that there is a bunch of feelings there. It went on for a month of “let me think about it’s” and him not wanting to lose our connection but him feeling that he had nothing to give. And I agree, he doesn’t. I Never wanted to lose him. He is beyond special to me…the day I met him I felt like I knew him my whole life. It was magic in every way. Our time together was a daydream and I hope he still feels the same way.

    when officially stoped hashing things out, I told him that I really thought he was going to be the one and that I wanted to start a family with him. Because I honestly did. And I honestly do.

    he’s off on a new work trip, and with covid, his client has him basically on lock down. He reaches out to me because of little things, but nothing huge. I respond but I don’t reach out. I don’t like his social media posts. He likes all mine. His aunt and his mom like my photos too.

    im hoping when he comes back in January we can restart. He’s the right guy at the right time in my life just at the wrong moment in his.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Jane.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Jane.
    #369311
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jane:

    You shared that at 30, you started to take your dating more seriously. One of your main criteria was that the man “knew where he wanted to be and had a stable job”. When you met this man (I’ll refer to him as M), “he had a stable 9-5 job that he had for 5 years”. So, he fit one of your main criteria.

    But 1.5 months into your relationship, M “left that job and began working independently. He traveled for 2 months abroad for this”.

    While he was traveling for work, “I became emotionally unavailable because fears started coming up.. I would act distant in little ways and I think he really felt it.. I would push him away in little ways while he was away. I would say that I don’t want to FaceTime that night and not give a reason. I would not want to watch a TV show that we set up as our ‘from distance date night’ and not give a reason. He felt that”.

    My input today, considering the new information that you provided:

    You wrote that you became emotionally unavailable “because fears started coming up”- fears and anger, I think.  You were angry at him for quitting his stable job and in so doing, taking away a main criterion he filled in your dating requirements so soon after meeting him.

    Angry, you didn’t fight against him (“We never fought”) in big ways, but you did fight against him “in little ways”, in passive-aggressive ways. “He felt that” and broke up with you.

    Before I continue, I need to check with you: am I understanding correctly?

    anita

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