so i fell in love with someone for the first time we weren’t dating long when we fell pregnant at first i was so happy and because i alway want to start my own family, the baby father was shocked but happy too. but when my baby father went away for a couple weeks for work (in the army) it gave me time to think which i hate, i started thinking that: im not working have no money, what if we move in together, he will have to pay for most stuff, am i ruining his life am i gonna lose my family,  do i want this baby, why did thing have to change all this stuff ran through my head and then i did the most stupidest thing in my life i don’t know why i did it because i wanted him in my life well when baby father came back i told him that may be we should be friends until baby is born because i dont if it’s hormones but i don’t know what i want or how feel everything was confusing i said he did nothing wrong its me i cant think straight. he wasn’t happy but he accepted it  and thats when every turn to shit and i went into dark place i started to hate the baby and i try to get rid of it (which breaks heart to say)fail thank god but i got angry sad depress my emotions was all over the place. baby father try so hard to talk to me for 7 months i felt so bad because wanted to tell him every thing but i just didn’t know how every time i saw him i just wanted him to hug me. i dont know why i’m such a fuck up i had everything i ever wanted and i couldnt be happy any ways we stop talking i went into labour on 10/10/2016 i gave my phone to mum to contact baby father to tell him what was happening well she said she couldn’t get incontact with him gave birth to my son the next day i try to get incontact with father tell everything show pictures and so we can come up with names but no word from him then i went crazy trying to get a hold on him because want him to see his son i know selfish to except that from him after what i did right a month later i get a message from saying that when i ask him to befriend it broke him mess him up real bad and that he found someone that help through and that he doesn’t know if he wants to be in baby life that he might need time and i lose it i kept messaging him to meet up and talk to sort thing out even if we didn’t get back together(which i knew we wouldn’t) if just for the baby kept invited to come over to see baby then i stop to give time. the saw him 2 month after giving birth at shop with his new girlfriend and i broke my heart and i went crazy again there must be something wrong with me all i wanted from him is to see his son or ask about him i know i fuck up and i but have any right to know what he dose with his life anymore but wish he just tell me he move on and he wants nothing to do with us and now i’m sitting in the dark writing this because i cant get over him and i hate myself for ruining a relationship with my son and his father and heart broken that his start a new family with his girlfriends which i’m happy for him but why cant my son be apart of it too he’s a good baby alway smiling i know his dad will of fell in love with him if he saw him its just hurt that him can move so easy and i feel that my son wasn’t good enough for him to come and see him even once and so easy replaced with a another baby that might or might not be his and i know its all my fault because im stupid selfish childish fucked up person and it something i have to live with i just wish could just for it him and move on why is it so hard i fell im losing myself again sorry for the long story its just i need to get off my chest