I’m stuck. In a rut. I’m at my lowest point yet, and I’m ashamed to be in this state.

I have no job, I fail one of my last classes before graduating college the previous semester and had to take it again. I decided to do it online because I was too huminatied to walk through that campus again. (I already believe that the people there think I’m a freak.) So really I’m stuck home all day with my sickly mother, trying to help her the best I can. But really for most of the day I end up playing video games on various ports, or trying to get through the DVR with Mom.

I suffer from awful social anxiety and depression. Though I am inherently lazy, I really do believe downward slide in my grade and basically everything is due to that. I go out somewhere, and something happens between and stranger (or at least I BELIEVE something happens) and I’ll wish I never left the house. The actual thought that runs past my head is “Oh great, now for ever after that person will think I’m a freak/weirdo/crazy.” Past mistakes in my life keep replaying in my head over and over again everyday and the pain makes it feel like it was just yesterday it happened when it was actually years…

The house is a mess, Mom’s back at the hospital again, the dogs need a bath, and I need some Buddha in my life…