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I just don't know anymore

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  • November 8, 2013 at 7:59 am #45009
    Jen
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    I was with someone for over 8 years back and forth in an unhealthy relationship. During those years we both made terrible mistakes and did not put our relationship first. Over a year ago I decided to end the relationship it was to the point that it was so unhealthy. We disrespected each other and the trust was just not there. I resented him for so many things he did, including cheating. I was constantly angry, i was so unhappy. During that year I started doing some soul searching and even some therapy. I learned so much about myself and I took responsibility for many things I blamed him for. During that year, he never really stop trying to show that he still loved me. I rejected him every single time, often being mean. It wasn’t until I forgave myself that I was able to see the good in him and accept that move one for everything I thought he did wrong. He told me that he wanted to date me again and I was considering it. He told him he was dating someone that was my “replacement” and I acted as if I did not care. A few months ago, he told me that this “replacement” was pregnant with his first child. I was devastated, scare and I decided to tell him that I still loved him. After that it became a more complicated situation. We wanted to be together but he did not want to tell her until the baby arrived, meanwhile he wanted to “work on us”. I told him that if he wanted to be with me she needed to know the truth, if not we need to give each other time away. She had a suspected something and asked him. He told her. He told her that he was still in love with me and that ultimately he saw himself with me. Now he feels guilty. He says he does not regret it because he was honest but feels guilty for the pain he has caused. And now he blames me. He resents me. He says I am selfish and I bring the worse in him. He’s afraid his child would resent him. I’ m trying to be compassionate and put myself in his shoes. I don’t know what to do to show him that I care. And to make him feel better. I just want him to be happy. I just don’t know what to feel and do anymore. I’m also dealing with my set of emotions that I try to put aside to understand me. The only thing I know for certain is that he will be a great father.

    November 8, 2013 at 3:26 pm #45022
    Matt
    Participant

    Jen,

    I’m sorry for the stickiness to what you’re going through, and the suffering that comes with it. There were only implied questions in your post, but a few things came to heart as I read your words.

    First, on his side. Consider that he is in tumult, with a lot of conflicting emotions running around. The father role is starting to grow, and it can be confusing to say the least. Perhaps you can give him space. Not space as in not talking to him, but the space to ramble and rant and work his junk out. He may feel resentment or anger or whatever, and tosses those barbs at you like you caused his feelings. Of course you didnt, he is the sole owner of his body and responses. However, giving him space is a lot of seeing it through his eyes and not letting yourself get caught up in the barbs and arrows that fly toward you when he is in blame mode. They are like a kid throwing a temper tantrum that they don’t want to eat their vegetables. He is suffering, doesn’t want to be the source of it, and so blames “other” be it you, fate, his parents, the mom… whomever or whatever it takes to feel some release of the stress that’s boiling inside him. Said differently, its not about you, even if he says it is about you. Its not.

    Secondly, don’t be a punching bag. If he is a good man, and just suffering and flailing unskillfully, that’s fine, normal and expected considering the conflict he is going through. Let it pass through you, nod and smile, reach deep for your heart and understanding and let his arrows settle. If he’s an ass that just blames you and others for all his issues, then perhaps letting him figure out who he is at a distance would be healthier for both of you. If you’re getting wounded through your connection to him, perhaps step away for now and let yourself heal. You have a beautiful and sacred heart, and it is up to you to care for it, nurture it, and see it blossom. That is really hard to do when another’s fiery emotions are being projected toward you.

    Finally, make sure that you do lots of self nurturing during this difficult time for you. It can’t be easy to see someone you love having a child with another, and don’t get so caught up in his story that you neglect your own. You have so much potential and so much passion… you are 100% worth taking the time to grow your heartsong strong and wise. Namaste, sis.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    November 9, 2013 at 12:22 am #45043
    Nirvana
    Participant

    Hi Jen

    Where you were or are at now I have been a few years ago. so I know how you feel. But you need to know, the reality of it is this…You and him have been there before, and became people you both didnt like anymore together. And apart it seems have been able to grow and gain your own strength from within. Yes for sure you will always remember the eight years you have had together, however it is in the past. He has moved on, and that is the truth, whether you accept it or not. Not sure if you know this but its ok to love someone and yet do whats best for the person you love, and sometimes that means walking away…you guys ended for a reason…
    Now he is looking to you for a reason to not accept his responsibilities…if you let him. And that is YOU…Stop being the reason he keeps failing for you will be the blame he seeks oneday…I urge you to love yourself first with the same deepness and see what the universe sends your way…you will be pleasantly surprised…

    Love has the greatest healing power and that is self love first…Honestly whats the worst that could happen????

    All the best…

    Nirvana

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