Anita,

You wrote : “if you contact him he may damage your subjective experience of a relationship going on, in your mind only. His input may not match the story in your mind.”

I have questions regarding this statement :

1. Will his response forced me to see things as it is, then? because he will damage this fake emotional relationship that I am having alone?

2. Isn’t it better for me to be forced by him to see things as it is instead of holding on into a story that I created in my mind only?

I mean, emotionally, this fake relationship keeps me going, that is true.

Until now, but … for how long? I am pretty sure in the long run, this fake relationship won’t survive. If I keep holding on onto this emotionally one sided relationship, I will never be able to be emotionally available to anyone new. I am basically ruining myself and preventing myself from seeing other people in the future.

At the same time, change is very scary to me right now. Because I was and still in so much pain, I just freeze. I do not want to feel any more pain. By changing things, maybe the level of pain will change too.

I am scared to contact my ex boyfriend for the reason that he will forced me to see things as it is, and truly end this fake relationship I created. In order to get better when you are sick is to drink medicine right? Right now I am in so much pain because I refuse to eat the medicine because it tastes so bitter

I will never get better if I do not drink this bitter medicine though.

I hope my ex boyfriend will be able to put me in my place. Slap me to the reality, I NEED that. Instead of being nice or supportive, maybe it would be better for him to say harsh words to me in order to put things into perspective. This though, I doubt. I am pretty sure simple friendly questions wouldn’t make him go “honest and harsh” on me. I need something to move him, to let him be honest to me. No matter how brutal or cruel, I want to hear the truth.

-Mina

Anita,

1. Regarding your second point, I understand and I do feel like my mental health isn’t ready to accept anything that my ex boyfriend will say to me. I will wait until I am ready, which I still do not know when.

2. Would you like to share the difference between real pain vs pain that I am only feeling by myself to comfort myself?

3. You wrote : “There is also the possibility that he will not be honest with you. His motivation for being dishonest would probably be to protect you but it will keep you delusional and not well.”

I agree with you on this one.

4. You wrote : “you still look up to him for the solution, as if he is your only hope for looking at reality as-it-is. That is delusional by itself.”

I am actually well aware of this. I am holding on to this one conversation with my ex boyfriend as a means to survive. It is indeed delusional because my ex opinion on my future life does not matter at all.

This thinking though, I would refer you back to my last reply in this thread. I mentioned how my ex used to treat me, especially how he accepted me emotionally as a human being during our relationship. He was an exceptional (not God) person. You also mentioned on how you understand, you wrote :  “so to be accepted by him meant a whole lot to you and it still does.”

This is the main reason why I still think his opinion and his blessing are very important to me. He was my first partner that accepted me, and because of that – I truly saw our relationship in the long term basis, building a family and supporting each other. I see myself being with him now and in the future due to the fact that he accepted me emotionally and understood a lot of my issues that I did not even realise I had before.

I cannot imagine finding someone better than him or like him, that would understand and accept me as he did.

-Mina

Anita,

I will try to explain as logically as possible.

He broke up with me. He told me that he isn’t in a place for a relationship at that moment due to military service and him moving college in another city. He told me that it isn’t me, it is just he is not emotionally available for any girlfriend, and that he probably won’t have any girlfriend in the next 3 years (after the military service)

This is what my ex boyfriend told me exactly. He also told me to go meet someone else that is “nicer” than him and he apologised for not keeping his promise of staying with me during him moving college. We were going to do a LDR originally but before he even move college, things were already “overwhelming” for my ex boyfriend because of the college preparation and army preparation. He was “called” to have his physical test the day before the break up.

He told me that lately he was feeling depressed.

That is it.

-Mina

Anita,

I understand. I am not committing to the reality to protect and comfort myself  …  but this kind of coping isn’t good because I keep going back and forth between heaven and hell.

I still cannot let go of the “heaven” yet now

I will be ready but it isn’t now unfortunately and everyday I just wish that maybe somehow I will die.

or I will be able to sleep forever … to just avoid reality.

I realise that the only way to escape reality is to face reality itself

-Mina

Anita,

Well, I wasn’t really alone as in alone. I have a few really good friends that I connected emotionally, they saw me as who I am. We have been friends for a long time too.

But having a partner was very different feeling.

Yes maybe I need the togetherness as you have mentioned …

but I am not sure how can I gain this again, somehow

are you saying that I have to find a new boyfriend?

-Mina