Dear Itachii:

I want to understand better, therefore I ask:

1. “I’m his first ‘real’ ‘successful’ relationship like he likes to call it”- what does he consider to be the success in his relationship with you?

2. “I have learned so much from him, I love myself more, I learned how to be understanding, patient and I learned the importance of communication. HOWEVER.. he hasn’t learned anything”-

– how did he teach you/ what did he say and do to lead you to love yourself, to be understanding and patient, and to communicate better?

– and how did he manage to teach you these things and yet to learn nothing himself?

anita

Dear Itachii:

“He is a trainer.. always reminded how important my little progress was, helped me understand how things take time”- I wonder if you remind him how important his little progress is in areas he needs to improve at (ex., planning dates), and if you are patient with him, understanding how things do take time (?)

“I plan ‘the talks’ with him.. he never once has tried talking to me about serious things, it is always me asking what’s wrong with him, what’s going between us.. told him everything, how I felt, how he made me feel, how it wasn’t fair for me… if you can’t communicate with me then why am I here??”-

– there are lots of books and online   resources regarding how very differently men and women communicate. And although it’s not true that all men communicate a certain way and all women communicate in that other way, what follows is true in general to a large extent.

Psychcentral. com/ 6- ways-men-and-women-communicate-differently:

“1. Why talk? He believes communication should have a clear purpose. Behind every conversation is a problem that needs solving or a point that needs to be made. Communication is used to get to the root of the dilemma as efficiently as possible. She uses communication to discover how she is feeling and what it is she wants to say. She sees conversation as an act of sharing and an opportunity to increase intimacy with her partner. Through sharing, she releases negative feelings and solidifies her bond with the man she loves.

2. How much should you say? He prioritizes productivity and efficiency in his daily life, and conversation is no exception… (he) shares only those details that he deems essential to the point of the story.. She uses communication to explore and organize her thoughts- to discover the point of the story. She may not know what information is necessary 0r excessive until the words come spilling out. But a woman isn’t necessarily searching for a solution when she initiates a conversation. She’s looking for someone to listen and understand what she’s feeling.

3. What does it mean to listen? He… When a woman initiates conversation he assumes she is seeking his advice or assistance. He engages with the woman, filtering everything she’s saying through the lens of, ‘What can we actually do about this?’ Learning to listen patiently- not just passively- doesn’t come easily to him. She sees conversation as a productive end in and of itself. If she feels sufficiently heard or understood she may not need to take further action to resolve a problem, or ‘make things better’.

4. When she is feeling down:  He will want to tackle her problems head on, like a fireman. He feels impatient to put the fire out as quickly as possible.. by giving solutions..

5. When he is feeling down: He will often withdraw into his ‘cave’ (becoming quiet and withdrawn) when he’s upset or stressed. A man’s ‘cave time’ is like a short vacation: he reduces stress by forgetting about his problems and focusing on other things like watching television… If she persists with nurturing questions or criticism, he withdraws even further, fearing that his partner doesn’t trust him to take care of business on his own… Ultimately, she can do more for him by appreciating his space, which shows him that she trusts him to work out the problem on his own..

6. “Communication breaks down when He feels like he’s being told what to do. The most important thing to a man is doing a good job. When his competence is questioned he’ll not only feel hurt, but he’ll throw up a wall of resistance.. Rather than being told, ‘You should do X’ he is likely to respond better to, ‘What do you think of X?’.. resist telling him what to do.”

Maybe your boyfriend mentioned that “if there’s (someone) better out there for me that he won’t stop me from that” because he was very frustrated, overwhelmed with how unsatisfied you were with him.

You wrote: “after the talk I felt numb.. I felt like I’m wasting my time and energy with someone that won’t change.. I CAN’T change him”- you can’t make him communicate like a woman. Men and women are raised differently, leading to different ways of thinking and communicating. Keep it in mind and talk with him about this topic, the different ways men and women communicate. There are self help books and exercises for couple on the topic.

anita

You are welcome, Itachii. Post again anytime!

anita