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I need help

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  • October 15, 2013 at 12:23 pm #43824
    joie
    Participant

    I made mistake in my past relationship, I was the one that hurt my ex, I was so toxic, oblivious and doesn’t care about other people feelings..
    It takes me a while to realize I’m a bad person and it was after she said to me all the bad things I did and how she was hurt when we were together.
    But the things run deep down, it seems like I tend to hurt people that love me, I neglected my family, and it hurt them, I dissapear from my friends before, while they trying to make contacts with me.

    I’m trying to change now, I make amends, and said sorry to those that I hurt, it makes me feel better, but I feel so depressed, I can’t sleep, I try to have positive attitude and move on, but I feel deep down like I’m stuck especially with my ex, I feel like I’m obsessed with her, I want to be a better person, and be with her again.. but I know it’s impossible,and she moved on already. I’m angry at myself, and feel like I want to give up on life.

    I know this is bad for me, but I feel lost, I think I need professional help but who? Life coach? Psychologist?

    October 15, 2013 at 3:46 pm #43828
    Matt
    Participant

    Joie,

    I’m sorry for the dark spinning in your mind and all the suffering it brings. It can be a difficult journey, healing our painful patterns, and I commend you for taking some great steps toward recovery. Don’t despair, brother, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    There is no shame in being an angry, clueless doofus. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance about how to find balance and kindness… we rely on our parents and teachers to help us, and often they don’t know how to either. Its OK, and you’re normal and usual. The trick is really just to figure out what to do from here, what steps to take which move you toward that inner peace.

    A psychologist can really help untangle some of the patterns you have, to help you confront and heal the shadow. Good psychologists, anyway. In the meantime, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness in the chest, and helps a lot with racing mind and painful emotions. Ajahn Brahm has some great guided metta meditations on YouTube if you’re interested. The reason metta may work for you is because staring too long at our painful behaviors can drain our energy, lead us to feel crazy or worthless. Metta refuels that energy, so that as we look at the world we can see the joy of it again, remember why we dance, what is beautiful.

    Its great that you want to confront your patterns, but take it slow, gentle, let yourself heal. It takes time, and often our frustration with ourselves pushes us too fast, and things heal crooked. Be patient, friend, its the best way honor the suffering that you’ve already been through, the best way to grow your roots deep into love and light.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    October 15, 2013 at 3:59 pm #43829
    Amit
    Participant

    I can actually only begin to imagine what you feel. You have loved and lost. Every experience in one’s life leads us to a better place. That’s what I believe in. Be it a bad experience or a good one. They both can change our “Inner Core”. What you are feeling is that your inner core is changing. How I know that is you are “feeling” things.

    Once you start feeling things that’s your “inner core being” getting in touch with you. Its giving you a message that you are ready for a change. How you make the change is up to you. I have this strong belief that I have formed over the last few years. I believe that “All answers to my questions lie within me”

    I say that because I know I am a part of the universal energy (however tiny). My inner being is connected to the “Creator”, “God”, “Source” or “Cosmic Energy”. I know that this energy is pure and unadulterated. We have always had this energy in us, but it gets suppressed by our physical experiences of our environment around us.

    My suggestion will be that I would sit down in a quite place and meditate. Try and get in touch with the “Inner Voice”, that tiny little fella that says what’s right and what’s wrong.

    If you haven’t meditated before find a meditation class near where you live. Getting in touch with the”real” inner self will show you ways to not only mend relationships that you choose are dear to you, but also let go of the one’s that have passed.

    Take small baby steps by meditating daily till you get in touch with your inner being.

    Hope you find inner peace.

    Amit

    October 17, 2013 at 1:27 am #43906
    joie
    Participant

    Thank you Matt and Amit for your kind reply, i’ve been searching for some psychologist now,and i’ll start my theraphy in a week.
    and Matt i believe you’re right that i’ve been rushing my healing process, the pain and shame i feel is too much that i just want to make amends right aways,i want to get out as fast as possible, i used to burried my emotional pain in work, getting busy, anything basically so i don’t have chances to connecting with how i feel. but now i’m on vacation, i can’t do anything but thinking about this problems, and embrace the pain.

    i’m trying to meditate and praying, especially at night when my mind thinking about all the mistakes i did, it helps but i know it will be a long journey until i can find my inner being.

    i just want to be a good loving person

    hope you all have an amazing day, god bless you

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