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I need help

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • January 17, 2017 at 7:10 am #125518
    AnaM28
    Participant

    I am Ana, 28 years old, Portuguese.In advance, sorry if my English is messed up. Feeling completely lost in life. I feel completely stucked.
    All my life I have suffered from a very low self-esteem and lack of motivation. I grew up as the only child in a dysfunctional family. My parents are married but they don’t have any life in common. They always were too protective towards me, I could never (still cant) do anything for myself. They watch every move I make. But still, I was loved by my mom and I am very attached to her. my father is an alcoholic and horrible to live under the same roof.
    I know they were toxic to me and this is the reason why I am like this today.
    I’m 28 but I feel like I have 8
    I wasn’t allowed to have the experiences my friends had.
    I went to college but I didn’t finished my graduation. I took a course that I didn’t liked.
    For the past 10 years of my life, I have done nothing for me. In 2012, in the edge of desperation, I went to live in the Netherlands. For some time, it gave me the freedom I wanted. Living alone, without my parents felt good. But I was still completely alone, with no friends or boyfriend. I have worked in dead end jobs, because I don’t know that language and do not have money to learn it.
    I have made a friend, who means the world to me. Yet,in recent times, I lie to her about my situation because I’m embarrassed. Everyone has a good job, a boyfriend, a supporting family. I don’t have nothing. I feel so ashamed of my life and scared I cant change it.
    it like I feel that I deserve better, but I am not capable of it.
    in the last few days, I have thought a lot about suicide. the only reason that prevents me from doing so is thinking about the pain I would cause to my mom.
    I am know lost. I don’t know if I should be back to Portugal or stay here. in Portugal I have to live with my parents, cause it is almost impossible to find work, and the paychecks are terribly low.
    I have always dreamed and still dream about being a nurse, I would feel so proud of me
    I dream a lot, but cant make decisions and stick to them. its like I cant fight for me.
    I wonder if antidepressives would work.

    January 17, 2017 at 10:48 am #125548
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ana:

    You are still living in the Netherlands? Better stay there, or move elsewhere, but not back to Portugal, not to live with your parents. You are stuck where you are, I understand, but your chances to get un-stuck are better being away from home (where you got stuck to begin with).

    If you can attend some kind of competent psychotherapy, perhaps a low cost therapy or even no- cost, please do. If your parents can send you money so to attend therapy- ask them. Competent psychotherapy is the best place to start your healing.

    When you moved away from your parents, you enjoyed the freedom. Unfortunately what you learned living with them, what you learned about yourself and about others, about life while living with them, moved with you to the Netherlands. To unlearn some of those things, therapy would be best.

    Pursuing nursing sounds good to me!

    anita

    January 19, 2017 at 10:11 am #125722
    AnaM28
    Participant

    Dear Anita. Thks for your answer.
    Yes im still in the Netherlands, but i must say on a diffucult situation also.
    I barely can cover my expenses here. My mom has to help me every month.
    I dont know which way to take.
    To stay here and try to get a higher income, and after that try to pursuit my dreams or to go back, where i have at least for sure a roof and food.
    I dont know how i would feel living there again.
    It is my fault im not doing better here. In general, i like it more here than there, although i love my country.
    But there are no opportunities to grow there.
    I dk what to do.
    I need to decide and act fast, because in this case , the time is counting.
    Thank you and i would like to hear from you

    January 19, 2017 at 10:41 am #125731
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ana:

    I wish you didn’t feel shame for your situation. Without shame you would feel and function so much better. I wish you didn’t compare yourself to others- you had your unique childhood- with a different childhood, you would have been living a different life.

    You asked about anti-depressants. I was on SSRI anti depressants for 17 years. At first I felt better, but overall, my life circumstances during those years got worse. I finally got off all psychiatric drugs and am glad I did.

    Your alcoholic father still lives with your mother, correct? You will be going back to the same dynamics if you return to Portugal? I wonder if you can get competent psychotherapy there… that would be a consideration, if I was you, although going back to the same dynamic at home would be a huge danger for me.

    Why don’t you open up to your one friend, better do it before moving back to Portugal. Why not check if there is counseling, free of charge, that you can attend in the Netherland. That would be my number one priority- get (free) short-term counseling as soon as possible, in the Netherland, for the purpose of deciding what to do next.

    Please post again, anytime with more thoughts and feelings, and I will reply.

    anita

    January 19, 2017 at 6:50 pm #125749
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Going home (queues up Dvorak New World Symphony 2nd movement) isn’t the answer. I moved away from a dysfunctional family and was dumb enough to invite one in. Unlike wine, or so I have been told, dysfunction doesn’t get better with time.

    January 19, 2017 at 11:15 pm #125762
    AnaM28
    Participant

    Thank you for the answers.
    Yes, my mom still lives with my dad. And im pretty sure will live with him forever.
    Thats her choice.
    When im living under the same roof most days are awful. He is always drunk and is terrible to deal with that. I think she relies on me because she doenst have anyone to share her anger.
    My mom spends her days drowning in sadness . She takes antidepressants for 4 years. At first they helped a bit, now i think they just make her like a machine.
    Im going to try to find out about that cheap theraphy. I hope it exists.
    I wish i could just decide.
    Its all hard.
    But it helps to know that there people out there willing to help. Thank you for that

    January 20, 2017 at 7:20 am #125782
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnaM28:

    You are welcome. From your description of life with your mother and father- it is clear to me that you should do anything and everything in your power to not move back with them.

    Hope you do find inexpensive or no cost therapy for the purpose of staying away from the house of your parents and making a better life for yourself. Post with an update, will you?

    anita

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