I need some advice/ hurt and confused

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    I posted last week because of the way my boyfriend treats me, we broke up 10days ago, Since he wasn’t honest with me during the 5yrs together, I had one of his workmate fone number, after the breakup I was angry so I texted his friend to get some information on my bf, I told his friend what had happened for the break up and he said he was sorry for whats happen. he told me some stuff I wanted to know, like how much my bf earns at work, and so on coz my bf never talks to me about important stuff. we live together yet al his personal stuff are kept at his mums or workplace.
    I was living in utter confusion/fear of what I don tknow about him and what hes hiding or why hes hiding stuff from me, when I try to say how I feel he gets defensive and play deaf on me. in the end I stopped askin when I have something bothering me. I find myself confiding in people, some that I don’t even know to clear my head abit, cause I was getting depressive and paranoid.

    My problem is, his workmate that ive confided in is now spreading rumours on me, saying I wanted to sleep with him and now im angry coz he didn’t want me, and he showed the text I sent him which ive spoken the truth on the way my bf teats me, l my bf called me yesterday to ask me about those stuff, and I confessed I was asking his mate for info on him cause he isn’t honest with me. he later text me and insulted me that I was a snake and im disgusting and tha the never wants to see my face again, that all his mates are saying I am a hoe and that he should never set foot in my home again as I could easily give him poison.
    Im really hurt, I accept it was wrong of me to ask his mates for information and to confide in him about my problems with my bf, now hes used that against me to make me feel even more worthless.
    I have text my bf to say sorry, we are both Christians and I believe in forgiveness and im not perfect, I blame my bf too for what happen, cause he should have been more supportive of our relationship and not leave me to swim in all those doubts and to ask people for informations on him. I think his mate is doing that on purpose to make my bf feel like rubbish coz he makes himself out to be a righteous and God fearing person at work, and he look upon this guy as an outcast.

    That guy is saying a lot of lies that I told him what happen in bed between me and my bf, that I was trying ot lure him to have sex with me, that I text him all the time, I thibk I text him about 6times, and that’s because he is the one to text to see if im ok after the break up. on his last text he did try to ask if I wanted to hook up with him, I didn’t reply, and he text me once again and I didn’t reply wen I knew what he was upto. I guess he must have got angry and decided to kuss me down. I feel bad coz I got his number as my bf sometimes uses this guys fone to call me when he doesn’t have credit on his fone. I must say I was stupid and naïve and im hurt.
    My bf knows the kind of person I am, I work from home and we live in a remote area, im at home 24/7, he never takes me anywhere, my only company are my dogs and my son, I only go to town when I have something important to do, my bf works in town and gets to meet people.
    l feel very sad and shock coz I didnt expect the guy to say these things on me, no one has ever said stuff like that on me during my 45yrs lifetime.
    I sent my bf a text again to point out his faults too and to ask for forgiveness for the third time, he has not replied.

    He is making it like no one sins against him, he is perfect, he lies to me about not watching porno yet I know he does so as his friend download it for him and he watches it when hes alone at his mums house. we had plenty of discussions on that and he knows how I feel about that, he promised he will stop and now doing it behind my back.. all of his work colleagues have their own problems, alcohol, porno, drugs, yet they are making it as im the worst person from what they are saying about me. I guess they were all waiting for me to make a mistake so they can talk as they don’t really know me, I live a quiet life and have recently built a lovely home in the mountains and I have a good job working at home even tho I live a simple and at peace with nature lifestyle.

    All this problems ive had with my bf for 5yrs have made me so depressed and im now awaiting counseling and therapy sessions to help me cause I don’t sleep much and get panick attacks I get bouts of anger and damages stuff, im scared and have lost all my confidence.I feel ugly and shy away when people look at me, my bf even told me yesterday that his workmates says that he is dating me an old woman tho I am just 1year older then him. I didn’t say anything I just felt hurt cause I don’t look old for my 45yrs, im fit and healthy and always look pretty even tho he never appreciates what he has.

    Any advice or support please



    I’m sorry for the pain and suffering you’re experiencing in your life right now. With all that’s been going on, it really is no wonder that you’re feeling disoriented! I think the therapy is a great plan, there seems to be a few tangles that a therapist can help smooth out. It seems that your self esteem is really being challenged, and the abuse your boyfriend has been doing toward you has really taken its toll. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    First, your ex boyfriend and his mates at work can think whatever they want and it has nothing to do with you. For instance, if I was to go to my wife and say “I just wrote a message to this Bernadette person, who is a man pretending to be a female”… it would be my delusion. You could go stand in front of a mirror and check to make sure I was wrong, but my wrongness would not have anything to do with you. You’re a woman, you know it, so my perceptions being whatever they are have nothing to do with you.

    The same is true of your ex and his coworkers. He’s an ass, deceptive. He acts like a snake, so of course when he looks out he sees a snake. Not you. His buddy wants to sleep with you, despite being a friend to your ex, which makes him a hoe. So of course when he looks out at you he sees a hoe. Nothing to do with you. So they band together and paint lies to try to assure themselves they are good and just, in alignment with God, and so forth. You know better, you know the truth. So do they, but their mistakes cause them to cower and deceive… hide and pretend they are honorable.

    That has nothing to do with you. Your low self esteem causes you to reach out and try to find confidence in their perceptions, but that is a losing battle. For instance, if someone you knew was a drug addict, and saw you eating two cookies in a row, doesn’t it make sense that they might say “you’re so addicted to cookies, you loser”. If you are stable, it is easy to see that they are just saying that because they are thinking that about themselves. It is only if you’re afraid that you might be addicted to cookies that the words sting, that you make them about you.

    Said differently, you’re not those things that they are saying. You know it. So it really is just them being turdfaces. Nothing you can do about it, snakes are snakes, turdfaces are turdfaces, and their healing and growth into better places is about them, between them and their patterns. The good news is you’re shedding the leech who has been a taker and not a giver.

    With all that being said, it is good for us when we take the reigns back from others and do something about our low self esteem. There are a bunch of things to help do that, but they all can be described as self nurturing or better self care. Sitting or walking and taking in the beauty of nature, taking baths, playing games with our kids, yoga, following our hobbies, and especially meditation, can all help to refuel our loving warmth within us. This gives us the energy and commitment to turn away from the icky moments and let them rest.

    For the “buying into their words” problem, have you read anything about codependency? Pia Mellody has some great books about the subject, which has helped many people in situations similar to your own. She can help you see how to setup boundaries, maintain them, and what it looks like to live a life free from the intrusions from others. I think her words would strike you well.

    Try to remember that no matter what other people say, that is about them. You know you’re beautiful and honorable, and nothing they say can tarnish your loving spirit. It is only when you buy into their words, give them power over you, that your energy is depleted. There’s no need, and frankly, you deserve to be treated much better than the ex treated you. Be glad he is leaving now, before more damage to your self esteem happened! Make room for someone who will see your beauty (starting with seeing it yourself), and the whole world looks different.

    With warmth,



    Thanks so much for the encouragements and support, Its lifted my spirit.
    I have got the book about codependency by Pia Mellody, ive started reading it. great read and lots of stuff I wasn’t even aware myself. Thanks so much for the reccomendation
    So true that what my ex is saying are about them lot and nothing to do with me, Im 200% sure my ex knows deep down that I would not do those thing, he is a perfectionist and blames everyone for anything that happens in his life. im glad Im rid of him and now I can slowly build my life and look forward to taking care of myself and my family.

    Best regards



    I am sorry to hear that. It is like a mirror. Guys or men are douchebags. I know how you feel Bernadette! I l also have a similar story with my ex too. I am close to his family , he is the youngest and he has Two olders sisters and a older brother that are arond 30’s. After i broke up with him, I still was in contact with one of his sisters, she invited me over to watch Texans football game. I went over and we ate and drank alcohol. She has a boyfriend around 27 years old. I was there having fun that night with them, and my phone died. So thats when i went home all late and my parents kicked me out. So i went to sleep at my ex boyfriends parents house with him.

    When i woke the morning, i charged my phone and I received a text message from the boyfriend of my ex boyfriend’s sister, saying that he is him and he wanted to tell me somethig but to keep it a secret. Later some few weeks passed by, my ex boyfriends sister found out by going through his phone my number was saved under other name. I did reply to him saying what does he have to say and i thought he was going to say something about my ex. The only person i showed that he messaged me, was my ex, but i didnt show his sister. I was concerned about other things that day.

    So I never told her. Her boyfriend never texted me again till the night when she found out. He was constantly texting me annoying me, I was at her house while him texting me, but he wasnt there. I was afraid to show her the messages because i didnt show her in the beginning so she might think we were hiding something. So i called him to stop annoying me and texting him, i took care of the problem by myself.

    But later that night she found out about the call, she called me to get things straight she wasnt mad at first but then later on she was. Her boyfriend told her that i gave my number to him. But i didnt, i dont know how he got my number, but i believe he got it from her phone! My ex found out and called me names! And also said he cant trust hoes these days! But i told him i didnt gave my number why would i be stupid to give my number out to my ex’s sister ‘s boyfriend. I told him that is easy for that guy to blame me since he has been around the family more than me.


    But time passed and i am in peace. 🙂


    thanks for sharing your heartache with me. The reason I was running around trying to find out things about my bf was because he wasn’t honest with me, to be honest with u I wasn’t happy, cause im a very open and honest person and I speak my mind, why would my bf hides all his personam stuff at his mums or at work? there surely must be a reason, and it sucks, causei keep wondering if hes supporting another household? he is saving his money when I spend all mine and im always broke… the money he gives at home is only worth one weeks housekeeping,.

    Truly he is a douchebag, cause he never takes me anywhere, I work hard and sometimes want to go out for a meal and stuff, he just doesn’t care, the only time he will take me out and treat me nice is after one of our breakups, he is the perfect guy, would wine and dine me and make me feel special, when hes back in my life , he changes after one week, back to his don’t give a hoot self. Those kinds of relationship are draining and it messes u up, honestly im drained, next week im seeing a phycologist, she does counseling and I need help to move on,
    My ex is the kind of guy who would walk out and wait and see if im going to call him, if I don’t he will wait few months and then call me to say he misses me, I always fall for his trap, cause he knows I have a good heart and im forgiving. This time I want to move on and not go back, I feel I need some help in this area of my life. I am the kind of person who is always trying to please people and forget about myself, in the end I end up angry and frustrated with myself, cause I do too much and neglect myself.


    Bernadette i understand you completely.

    When my ex got his new place on July, he never took me over to spend time with him when he was there his free time. I was always wondering what he was hiding. i ALWAYS speak my mind and i was always honest but he was never open minded he would tell me that is my mind that i think crazy , he thinks my mind has crazy thoughts. I would tell him to just be honest, he wouldnt say anything.

    I read your second paragraph my relationship was just like that too. He would take me out and stuff and he would pay, but few times we went out, he would never take me to bars or clubs or any special event at nights on weekends, we would just stay home and chill or watch tv. Thats why we were always fighting. The reason we didnt go out to clubs or bars is because he is 20, but when he is out with his guy friends that 23 and up he can get in.

    We would fight and we never solved the problem, he would just walk away knowing that i wont be mad for a long time, and will be expecting a call from me saying sorry for arguing with him. I am also a person that tries to please ppl but myself. I end up feeling sad and lonely at the end.

    But i am glad he found another girl that he is interested in, and he can leave me alone and doing more damage to me. At the same time i do feel sad for just thinking 3 years of waist. I should of let him go a long time ago because i got attached to him. But things happen for a reason.

    Now i know on my next relationship.

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