I need some advice on accepting myself even if others don't

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This topic has 33 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 27, 2015 at 8:33 pm #82523

Anonymous
Inactive

Ok thanks for letting me know. I will do that in the morning.

August 28, 2015 at 7:05 am #82531

Anonymous
Inactive

I am not sure if the message went through. I tried to send one and it doesn’t look like it sent. Let me know if it did or not. If it didn’t if you wanted you could send me one?

August 28, 2015 at 8:05 am #82532
Anonymous
Guest
No, got nothing- you can write here if you’d like. Some of these threads are very long and extend over many months so it is okay to keep going here.
anita
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
August 28, 2015 at 8:11 am #82533

Anonymous
Inactive

Oh well at least I tried. That’s good to know so you are ok with talking on here?

August 28, 2015 at 8:16 am #82534
Anonymous
Guest
Of course I am okay with talking on here. There is something good, healing about writing where anyone can read what we write- the opposite of hiding the truth, anything that is TRUE, and you are out of hiding, so am I!
anita
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
August 28, 2015 at 8:51 am #82535

Anonymous
Inactive

Ok I know it was probably a silly question but I was just making sure. I have to agree with you about that, I feel good when I can let things out and let out the truth and have supportive people. Not having anyone judging me or being rude. But not just with me but with everyone on here. I wish I would have found this site years ago. I have to ask, when you say you are also out of hiding, what do you mean exactly? I feel like I might know, but I don’t want to assume anything.

August 28, 2015 at 9:08 am #82536
Anonymous
Guest
You are ahead of many people when you ASK questions instead of assuming, way ahead. There are a lot of lies, of hiding of truth every turn you make, every turn I make as I keep my eyes open. There is not a single book I am willing to accept as truth without ASKING my own questions, at least in my own mind, about what is true in it and what is not. It doesn’t matter who sas or writes or publishes what, everthing is suspect. So coming out of hiding is stating m true feelings, my true thoughts, and stating realit as it is. There are lots of social conventions, social myths, marketing lies, it goes on and on and on. There are individual delusions, group (social) delusions on a grand scale. Coming out of delusion- peeling off the laers of delusion from bare realit- is what I am referring to when I sa I am also out of hiding.

An example of my past personal delusion: my mother loved me. A social myth/ lie: there is no greater love than the love of a parent to their child. Truth: There is no greater love of a child to her parent/s. It is the child, not the parent, willing to do anything and everything to please the parent, not- not the other way around.

Tell me, if you will, about your experience with truth vs lies, the coming out of your hiding- how does it feel? what is next?
anita
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
August 28, 2015 at 9:09 am #82537

Anonymous
Guest

The Y letter on my computer is stuck…

August 28, 2015 at 9:41 am #82539

Anonymous
Inactive

I noticed that, but its ok I understood what you were saying. Thanks for clearing that up and I am happy to hear that you also came out of hiding. I know it is such a great feeling when you do. I have to agree with what you said about it is the child, not the parent, willing to do anything and everything to please the parent, not the other way around. That is very true, and from my experience that is proven to be true. But I do believe that a mother’s love is the greatest. I could be wrong, but that is just my opinion. And to answer your question about me dealing with a truth vs. a lie and coming out of hiding and what might come next, I am not so sure about what is next. There are so many things that come to mind when understanding a truth vs. a lie. More than a good example all that comes to mind are really bad, negative things. I do have an example that I am willing to share though. When I was little I was so shy and afraid of people. I don’t really know the reason behind it because I don’t remember any of my baby-toddler years. But what I do know is that I was so afraid of anyone and everyone. People would talk to me and I would run the other way, or if someone tried to hug me I would literally push them away. I was so afraid that I would get hurt or yelled at. Now as I grew older into my teen years-adult it was like that for quite some time. I think the fear of getting yelled at or hurt ended when I was 18. I would always get yelled at when I was a teenager and I would cry and get yelled at even more because I was crying. So I would try to block out the times I would get yelled at, it never worked. I still get afraid sometimes, but when it comes to getting a hug now I am not afraid. I take the hug like it was my last day on earth. Because I know that I am not going to get hurt. I am only getting a loving and caring hug. I think from all of that, that the truth vs. a lie would be that I was afraid to get a hug because I didn’t want to get hurt and I pushed everyone away to protect myself from being hurt. But things are different, and the people around me don’t want to hurt me they want to comfort me and protect me from being hurt. So I think that when I was a child I always told myself that I was going to get hurt if I got a hug so I always believed it to be true. Now that I am older and no longer a little kid or teenager, I know that when I get a hug I don’t have to run away or push anyone away. I am not going to get hurt and that I know is the truth. I hope that answered your question and if anything doesn’t make any sense please let me know so I can clarify. As for me coming out of hiding I feel like a huge weight has come off my shoulders. I may get mean comments from people who don’t agree or don’t like that I am a lesbian, but I know that is who I am and that I am happy. No one can take away my happiness of know who I truly am. They can try to tear me down and make me upset or feel like I am not supposed to be this way, but I listen, and not ignore what they say, but kind of block it out. Because I have been through so much and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. Its hard, not being treated like I should be some days, but I embrace who I am. I am proud of who I am, I am happy with myself as a person, though I make mistakes. I know I am not perfect, but I am happy and that is all that really truly matters.

August 28, 2015 at 9:41 am #82540

Victoria
Participant

In my opinion, past achievements are helpful to increase self-acceptance. When we start comparing to your own achievements rather than the others’, we will notice that we have made progress. For example, I write down every, even very small, achievement and then, when my self-acceptance is lower, read all the list.

August 28, 2015 at 9:50 am #82541

Anonymous
Inactive

Vicky, thanks for your opinion. I never really thought about it that way, but it makes sense when I think about it. That is a good idea to write down achievements and reading them when your feeling down. I think I will start doing that, I think that could really help me and not be so negative when I do something wrong. Thanks.

August 28, 2015 at 11:41 am #82543
Anonymous
Guest
You wrote: “I do believe that a mother’s love is the greatest.” You didn’t mention your mother in your posts. You shared that you grew up with your father. Would you like to tell me if and what kind of relationship you had and have with your mother? And then tell me what you mean by “a mothers’ love is the greatest”- for you, personally, what it means?

You were afraid of people so young because a person or people hurt you early on. That was before you knew you liked girls and that it was socially unacceptable (to many). Who hurt you? how?

I will be away from the computer for a while. I just came back to the computer and the last post in front of me is the one from two hours ago (there may be more)
anita
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
August 28, 2015 at 12:02 pm #82544

Anonymous
Inactive

Yes, because my mother is one of the most supportive, and loving people in my family. My grandma is another, but I bond so well with my mom compared to with my father. My mother and I relate so much and we are there for each other, we’re best friends. I lived with my father until I was 18, but my father doesn’t even know me as well as my mother does (or at all, he doesn’t know who his own daughter is.) That’s why I believe a mother’s love is the greatest. I love my father dearly, but the way he acts towards me when I do something “wrong” in his eyes he judges me for it and is really rude to me. It makes me feel lower than low and its frustrating. He told me a long time ago that he doesn’t even know who I am. We talk once in a great while, but we aren’t all that close. He I guess you could say isn’t very understanding. He spent more time with my brother than me when I was growing up. Is he a bad father? No way, he just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from when I do something he doesn’t like or agree with. My mom isn’t perfect either. Heck NO ONE is perfect. We are all imperfectly flawed. But we are human. I love my dad and I want to be closer to him. Deep down it hurts that we aren’t close, and it really sucks. I lived with him since I was a baby up until I was 18. You’d think you would be close to your parent if you lived with them almost all your life, right? Sadly that’s not the story with me. I want to change that so badly. I don’t know for sure but I was little and a childhood friend’s father woke me up when I fell asleep and told me to go into the room down the hall. I don’t remember the friend or their father’s name. But I was little and didn’t know what was going on. He walked in the room and was really drunk and poured beer on my head, and I was crying. And that’s all I can remember. So I don’t know for sure, but this could be the man who hurt me that caused me to be so afraid of people when I was little, and for so long. Ok thanks for letting me know, and I will be away for a while too. But please reply when you can and I will get back to you when I can. Thanks.

August 28, 2015 at 3:18 pm #82545
Anonymous
Guest
The man who poured beer on your head, that was weird and significant enough that you remember it. But how easily we- our parents’ children- overlook what our parents do to us. Your father not seeing you for who you are all these years, judging you, that is REJECTING you as often as he did during so many years is way, way more damaging to you than a stranger pouring beer on your head. It simply hurts when THE PERSON WE WANT TO PLEASE SO BADLY- rejects us. It simply hurts. So it is your father who hurt you then… by rejecting you, by stamping you repeatedly with the DISAPPROVED stamp. Like you wrote, nobody is perfect but it doesn’t take any of the pain of being disapproved by the person we are so invested in winning over.

Nobody is as invested as a child in seeing the best in one’s parents. So what you see, as you described it in your posts, is the best of who your father is. Reality is probably not as “good.”

Surround yourself with people who know you, who like what they know of you, who APPROVE of you, who want to know you better- this is crucial. Do not invest anymore in trying to make a disapproving person approve of you. Look for and keep people who approve of you. Surround yourself with people with whom you can be more and more yourself.

You wish you didn’t care what other people thought of you. Surround yourself with … gay-friendly people, gay or not, people who do not already feel negatively about gay people. People who feel negatively about gay people, those feelings are most often very deep in them (homophobia is a way to label those feelings). Don’t try to make them approve of you as a gay person. Stay away from any person once you realize he or she is homophobic (and as strange as it is, there are gay people who have those feelings…)

And then notice that the gay-friendly people you do associate with can be disapproving and judgmental otherwise. Ahh, the complexity of it all. The way to care less what disapproving people think of you is to stay away from them. Why bother?

Till later:
anita
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
August 28, 2015 at 9:39 pm #82550

Anonymous
Inactive

Yea that makes sense to me now. It wasn’t the guy who poured beer on my head. It was my father. And yes he did hurt me over and over again. I understand its not healthy to be around or try to have any type of relationship with. But I do not want to just stop talking to him and act like he doesn’t exist. I did call him the other day, and I was really nervous because I haven’t talked to him before that since father’s day. But it went well and he did say he loves me. He said he will love me no matter what. So I believe that and I don’t want to throw that away. I may not have to see him in person but a call now and then cant hurt can it? He said he missed hearing my voice and wondered why I haven’t been calling, and I told him I was busy. I just gave him an update on how things that I wanted to tell him were going. I want to give him another chance and if he does the same thing one more time, then I think I will not talk to him anymore. I believe that he can change and I want to give him that chance. I know he hurt me, but I love him. He is my father after all. I know from personal experience that being around positive, and approving people is better than being around negative people. But I sort of picked up on his negativity and I am that way as well, but I am excepting of ALL people. If I didn’t make any sense on something please let me know so I can explain it better. I am very tired, so that might be why I don’t make sense if for some reason I didn’t.
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