You wrote that you “have learned to accept (yourself) and be happy.” Well, from your post you are in the process of learning (ongoing verb) to accept yourself. You are not done, this is why you still care so much about others’ negative criticism of you, why you are still shy and having trouble asserting yourself. Welcome to the healing process! I am willing to read more of what you have to share and will definitely respond.

anita

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.

Congratulations for coming out of hiding! There must be great websites and resources out there, financed by gay people’s resources, addressing these challenges with better insight into the specifics than I have. But the core challenges are as human as any other human issue: fear, seeking approval, etc.

I would think it takes TIME- sicne you just came out two weeks ago. Patience, I’d say is necessary in any such process, gay or straight. Real inner changes take time and practice and ongoing insight. Not surprising you were ashamed of being a lesbian: your father hurt you for being what you are. And a child always wants the parent’s approval. At one point, early on, such approval is needed with the intensity of life and death. If a parent in the animal kingdom rejects its young, then the young is likely to die, not being protected by the parent. We evolved from animals and we are still animals, so this need is the same. It has a great hold on us no matter the age… until we heal from the hurt of rejection. The fears never go away, just lessen so we can live with it.

It boggles my mind, how often parents reject their children, human parents, that is. For a variety of reasons. It is so very sad, painfully sad. I would say, you being 23 now and having a girlfriend, a good loving relationship, focus on that relationship, make it real, more real, deep, make it true love so that you know the difference between real love and something that is not quite love.

Once you experience true love, true acceptance, you will need LESS the look-alikes of love. You will finally have what you always needed. Over time place your father in a less important place in your life. Expect less of him.

Isn’t it interesting how children are so concerned with not disappointing a parent while the parent is not at all concerned with disappoining the child? You were afraid to disappoint your father so you hid the fact that you are a lesbian. When you told him, he was not afraid to disappoint you and felt quite free to express his disapproval of you.

The nature of love is that it is accepting of the loved one. Not sometimes, not conditional on this or that. Accepting all the way and no matter what. There is so little of love in the world and you are not alone, suffering from the scaricity of (real) love. When you find it, make it grow in your chosen relationship, treasure it. Through that relationship you will love yourself, accept yourself.

How am I doing so far responding to your posts?

anita

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.

Oh, yes, you are 21. And you’ve been hiding for 18 years out of these 21, this is a long time. Glad you are feeling better. Please do post anytime, I will look for your posts and will reply to them quickly if I am online. If I didn’t reply quickly enough it is because I am off the computer. Take care of yourself!

anita

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.

Thanks- anita