April 5, 2020 at 8:11 pm #347784SarahParticipant
For the past 12 years I’ve been stalking a woman I used to know. She is my ex’s sister and she doesn’t like me because I was young and stupid and cheated on my ex. Anyway she was always (and still is) the person who was ahead of fashion, always had lots of friends, did lots of cool things, had more money, has an enviable figure and is pretty. She has everything, she has the perfect package. I have been stalking her solely online (I know where she lives as my ex openly told me but I’ve never been near her house) and it’s like I need to know what she’s doing, where she’s going, what she’s wearing etc. I just want to point out I am not interested in her in any sexual way, I am 100% straight. It’s more like… I want to BE her. I won’t go into it all but my life is nothing compared to hers. I have tried and failed several times over the years to stop looking on her social media but it’s like an addiction I can’t give up. So how do I stop? Is it that bad? This woman has no idea that I’m doing this. I need help!April 5, 2020 at 8:40 pm #347840anitaParticipant
“I have been stalking her solely online”- you’ve been following her social media accounts, like Facebook.. a presentation of her, an account where she presents herself in a favorable way, as is often the case in social media. In other words, it’s like watching the movies of an actress, thinking you are stalking the person, while you are actually stalking an actress who is pretending to be this or that character.
You don’t know who the person is underneath the character. The person on the photo on fb looks so happy, smiling, as if forever- happy, while the person in that photo may be crying at night, scared or sad.
Am I making sense to you?
April 6, 2020 at 3:13 am #347880SarahParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 month, 4 weeks ago by anita.
I totally understand what you are saying but in this case my ex tells me that pretty much everything she posts online is real.April 6, 2020 at 7:15 am #347910anitaParticipant
Her brother tells you that “pretty much everything she posts online is real”- let’s look at what is real:
1. She is “ahead in fashion”- she really is ahead in fashion, the photos show that.
2. She “always had lots of friends”- she really does.
3. She “did lots of cool things”- vacations and such, I am guessing.
4. She “had more money” than you- I suppose she does.
5. She “has an enviable figure and is pretty”- I suppose she really does.
6. “She has everything, she has the perfect package”- If #1-5 above is everything, then she has everything.
You wrote: “I need to know what she’s doing, where she’s going, what she’s wearing etc… I want to BE her. I won’t go into it all but my life is nothing compared to hers”-
– let me take you to a tour of her life that you can’t see by looking at her social media accounts, and which her brother probably doesn’t know much about, if any:
At the end of the evening, when she checked out of social media, lying in bed, she turns off the light and she lies there, not tired enough, lying there, anxious. She knows there is a global pandemic going on, and she knows that people who’s fashion is impeccable got sick (not necessarily from Covid-19, there are plenty of other scary diseases), so she may too. She knows that people with lots of friends and money got sick, so she may too. She knows that one day she will get sick and die, like everyone else, and nothing she has, nor her beauty will save her from the fate of us all.
She knows that the economy is suffering a whole lot, she worries that maybe her money will not be enough. A few of her friends have more money than she does, and she envies them. Thinking about her many friends, she is annoyed with one or two who didn’t pay much attention to her that day, didn’t even Like her posts that day.
In the morning, not having slept much, she walks to the bathroom and looks at her image in the mirror, she sees a wrinkle on her face and her anxiety goes up- a wrinkle? Oh, no, I am getting old (her fashion, friends, having done cool things.. none of these can stop her aging, alas!), better cover it, she thinks. She washes her face, applies foundation, make up, but her heart is heavy. She then thinks: social media! That’s fun!, so after her makeup and hair is perfect, and she put on a fashionable top, she takes a selfie of herself smiling, looking very happy. She posts it online, gets Like responses and emojis, and a few envious comments by friends.. and voila! She feels so much better.
Somewhere on the other end of a computer screen, you are taking in that newest selfie and think to yourself: oh, she has Everything, I want to be her. Well, you are her. You too worry about getting sick and dying (whenever the thought crosses your mind), you too worry about looking unattractive as you get older. You too are envious of people who have more money than you, and you too know that even though you have more things and money than many people, none of these things or money will save you from the fate that is the same as everyone’s.
* This is an obsession, at this point, to stalk her online, “an addiction”, as you called it. Like any addiction, there is a way to treat it. Let me know what you think of what I wrote so far, and we can continue to communicate on the matter.
anitaApril 6, 2020 at 8:41 pm #347998DeenaParticipant
If I may lend my thoughts…for several years I have been obsessed with a few women much as yourself. Whether they were the woman I was left for or someone who seemed to have everything figured out. I just never seemed to measure up in my eyes and I was so very deeply affected by it. I was ashamed of my obsession.
I got really tired of feeling this way and decided to confront the issue head on and disect my feelings layer by layer. After a lot of self examination I realized that I can choose how I channel that obsession and honour the specific things that I admired about the person, I would then model those qualities in myself to embody those things in my own way. I would take fashion tips and make them my own and explore the ways I too can be as successful etc.
Now when that feeling comes up again, I am able to acknowledge and use what I was previously jealous about to improve on myself, the initial self hate still appears at first but it goes quickly as my consciousness makes the shift.
Hope this helps, it takes a bit of practice.