Hi everyone!
It’s my first time sharing something. The last couple of days have been an emotional roller coaster, I tend to overthink things. I also have troubles finding a proper beginning to this story. And of course, I’m a bit scared of the reactions I might or might not get.

I met my first love when I was 14. At the time I didn’t realize that, as our relationship began as friends. We were together for somewhat more than 3 years. He was two grades above me, so he graduated before I did. I’m not gonna lie, we had our ups and downs as we were way to young for the love we had for each other. We had a deep, soul meaning love for each other. We brought the best in each other. But at some point, our relationship did get toxic. I can’t say why exactly, but I know for sure that it was both our fault. We both made gravitating mistakes and hurt each other, without really wanting to. As he went traveling, it actually had quite a positive impact on our relationship. Being away from each other made us realize how much we love each other and we managed to overcome our problems.
Unfortunately, something was going on with me. I started having real anxiety problems and simply serious problems with myself. Instead of telling him so, I shut myself off to him about my feelings. I started being really unbearable… He suffered from the way I was treating him and after some time he eventually broke up with me. We both cried.
Afterwards, I had to erase him from my life partly because I was hurt that he left me at my worst. We lost contact completely and I haven’t seen him ever since. I got over him and dated other guys, for one guy I even had serious feelings. But it didn’t really work out. He got into a serious relationship that lasted almost a year. It was hard hearing about it from other people. But I guess that’s normal.
In the meantime, I finally finished school in august 2019. I got a pretty bad knee injury and required some operations. I started studying at the university without really knowing what I want. I met really great people who are now good friends and experienced different things. But I am still not sure which path in life will be the right one for me.
Some months after moving to the big city to study, I started reliving all our moments together. I’m not sure what triggered the awakening of all those feelings. And I saw all the memories the way they really were: I saw the bad things and the good things, I got an objective point of view which was really important for me.
I really started missing him but I didn’t listen to my heart… I thought it will go away. But at some point I couldn’t no more so I decided to write him a neutral letter with all my thoughts and feeling to process things. It was clear to me that I still deeply loved him but I knew that I shouldn’t allow myself to feel that way.

I really didn’t expect him to answer me, nor to feel the same way. Oddly enough, a couple of days later he wrote me. We than started having deep talks. He told me that he never really gotten over me, which probably was one of the reasons his new relationship couldn’t work. He had me on his mind the whole time. At this point I was shocked. But I thought, we are just talking about everything and that afterwards we will stop talking. But our conversations never stopped and now we still talk daily.  We even talked about meeting up again and him coming visiting me in the city.

On the one hand, I am really happy just to have him once again in my life. But on the other hand, I overthink a lot. I am scared to get heartbroken again. And reading online, my fear gets worst.
I genuinely ask myself: was it fate or is this whole thing one big mistake? I am pretty anxious right now, thinking about every possible outcome of this situation.

First of all, thanks for taking the time to read. Secondly, I am grateful for any help as I don’t have someone who can see the whole situation objective.