Dear butterfly:

You are welcome. This will be a long reply because I will include quotes from all your posts as well as quotes from an online article.

From your recent post: “he is literally physically up and in front of me waving for my attention or tapping on the floor to get my attention. lol“- like a child, a young boy trying to get his busy-mother’s attention, not yet able to regulate his emotions/ to tolerate distress.

“Adapting to him is something I already do a lot“- perhaps Adopting him is something more appropriate to do, lol.

“I think I need to properly assert what is that I am willing to accept and what is not okay to me“- like a mother trying to figure out how to discipline an unruly child.

But the child is a man who doesn’t want to be disciplined/ to grow up. From your previous posts:

“he LOVES when I am here too since he can share everything that happens at his job…  he wants to share that spontaneously, when it happens“- he loves it when his mother is around, so he can tell her everything that happens on the playground: look Mom, Nathan just pushed Sarah down the slide, he shouldn’t have!

“He admitted to be very intense and would not change as it has always been like this“- he’s always been a child, and he would not change being a child. He doesn’t want to grow up.

“I told him that I would build a wall and separate my office from his physically… He said that he would still open the door and barge in“- like a child: I want to talk to you when I want to. Now!

“he said that it removes all the fun and spontaneous interactions we had“- happy children are about fun and spontaneity, anytime, anywhere.

“Where I went too far was when I said that ‘normal’ people needed time apart and their own space during office hours“- normal children don’t want time apart when they don’t want it. They want it only when they want it.

“I think I am judging him to be clingy and immature“- immature, yes, like a young child.

“I understand that he has some work to do on himself“- I don’t think that he wants to grow up and abide by grown-up rules: that’s not fun!

“He is not able to control his impulsivity (proof of that is the entire past year)“- he doesn’t want to control his impulsivity (whether he is able or not).

“it is my own house, I bought it a month before meeting him. I wanted to do a fixer-upper project“- and you ended up with a fixer-upper boyfriend project (transforming him from boy to man)?

“Am I wrong for trying not to label my boyfriend?“- notice that in this reply, I did not and will not use a psychiatric label for him: there is no need for it.

Back to your recent post:

“I don’t think he is initiating the fights all the time, it’s mostly me being sensitive to his emotional bursts and me trying to fix his behaviour“- a fixer upper project?

“He says so many people always tells him that he always look irritated or grumpy“- because he often doesn’t get his way/ because much of the world is run by grown-up rules..?

“Sometimes, I am not really in the mood myself and I offload, but afterwards I retreat to my little corner and I expected him to do that instead of offloading on me all the time. He has to moderate for god sakes“- he needs time out, doesn’t he, so that he can learn to be by himself when he doesn’t feel like it.

“Both of us are sensitive. I started feeling angry inside more often than not, and maybe that’s a good thing to now be able to feel the anger instead of suppressing it, but I don’t like the frequency of that feeling“- he gets to be a child at your expense.

“He says he is very curious about what I do and says I never tell him anything, but when I start talking he loses focus“- because when you tell him about you, you are not talking about him, and you are keeping him away from.. what he would rather do..?

“I have to deal with feeling unseen a lot“- a mother’s job is to see the child; it’s not the child’s job to see the mother. Indeed parenting, the way it should be, is very much a selfless project.

“I also feel the only things I can do peacefully at home is when I know I’m not going to get interrupted“- like a mother who needs a break from her always- there, always active/ demanding child.

“What issues am I creating myself? I think sometimes I withdraw too much and that creates anxiety for him“- children do get anxious when their mother withdraws.

“the question I ask myself is: are we able to adapt to each other?“- are you willing to adapt to the role of a mother? I don’t think he is willing to adapt to the role of a grown-up.

“I also just booked couple’s therapy. I have been insisting for a few months and he finally gave in“-

– here is something that can help from  Cleveland clinic. org/Peter Pan Syndrome May Have You Saying, ‘I Don’t Want To Grow Up’: “… for some, growing up seems near impossible — so much so, that their immaturity can ruin relationships… Growing up is particularly difficult for people who have what’s popularly known as Peter Pan syndrome… Peter Pan syndrome (PPS), while not a recognized diagnosis, is a popular psychology term used to describe an adult who has difficulty growing up. The term is derived from the fictional character of Peter Pan, a magical boy who never grows old… ‘Much like Peter Pan, these individuals experience a failure to launch or a refusal to grow up… There’s sort of an egocentric nature to them…

“people with PPS will often seek out others who have what’s called Wendy syndrome. Named after… Peter Pan’s friend, Wendy syndrome also isn’t an official diagnosis, but a popular psychology term used to describe an adult who is empathetic, nurturing and even self-sacrificing…. people who are highly nurturing and want to be of service to others…
<p class=”text-gray-800 my-rem16px text-rem19px leading-rem34px ” data-identity=”paragraph-element”>“In the beginning, it’s a match made in heaven. You have someone with PPS who’s really fun and charismatic that draws this other person in, and the person who has Wendy syndrome is able to be there for them, support them and offer suggestions to try to better them. But the problem is that it eventually backfires, and the person with Wendy syndrome inevitably starts to feel taken advantage of… With the Peter Pan and Wendy syndromes, the relationship ultimately falls apart when both people are at odds with each other’s behaviors.</p>
<p class=”text-gray-800 my-rem16px text-rem19px leading-rem34px ” data-identity=”paragraph-element”>“People with Wendy syndrome tend to experience emotional burnout because they’re constantly feeling like they’re giving and giving and not getting anything in return… At the same time, people with PPS may feel that their partner is controlling, trying to change them… As people with PPS have difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries, they’ll often jump from one person or relationship to the next in search of people who enable their behaviors…</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>”For people with Peter Pan syndrome, their distress tolerance is very low, which leads them to avoid certain situations because there’s this tendency to not be able to hold onto or tolerate these more difficult feelings… When conflicts arise or the person who has PPS is confronted about their lack of maturity, even having a healthy, productive conversation may prove to be difficult… Without being able to tolerate distress, it’s really hard to hear any criticism and therefore it becomes really difficult to have mature conflict resolution…</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>”Like most things related to psychology, the characteristics of Peter Pan syndrome exist on a spectrum, and what’s problematic for some may not be problematic for others… For therapy to work, they need to be willing to recognize and discuss what changes they want for their life and the cost of continuing if they do not make these changes… Often, at the core of entitled and self-centered behavior is very low self-esteem… Therapy can help people improve their self-esteem…</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>”And often, the core of therapy sessions revolves around increasing one’s distress tolerance… What often happens with people who have a low distress tolerance is that the minute something uncomfortable bubbles up, they push it away. They’re not even really knowing what they’re feeling… So, we start by naming our feelings…  asking yourself questions like: What are you feeling right now? Can you locate in your body where you’re feeling it?… Making space for feelings is challenging for many people because they’re used to pushing them away or distracting themselves from difficult emotions… it’s about staying with that feeling and trying to give it more life as opposed to fleeing from it or avoiding it. By doing this, you’re building that distress tolerance”.</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>End of quotes.</p>
<p data-identity=”paragraph-element”>anita</p>

I would say, having regular weekly time together for 30-40 minutes to build good relationship based on effective honest & heartful communication may ease some of the tensions in new relations with boundaries.

During this time we can sit and hold hands and connect gently with loving gaze as friends. We have different personalities, different way of looking at things, different values and needs for boundaries. Often we misunderstand each other if these values and needs (behind boundaries) are not communicated or respected. None of us grew up in families where these skills are taught by parents or other caregivers. Each week each person can agree to give their partner a gift they value or need. Unconscious, impulsive behaviors are habits that are based on some unconscious belief. We may not be able to fully give or receive the gift asked for in the first week or even a month. So patience, good listening and kind speech are the keys. Just having a fun and playful process of  mindful speaking and listening with color pens, candle and cards for building a good foundation of respectful loving relationship can go a long way if both are committed to it. Appreciate each others effort and goodwill. Hope this helps.