Hi Bee

I’ll point out that your sister is a different person and she was still abused. Any child born to your parents would be abused.

We can create our own misery in life as adults. But as children we are innocent, should be loved and protected by loving parents. Unfortunately, not all children are lucky enough to be born to healthy loving families. Any misery caused by unhealthy abusive families is 100% their responsibility.

We cannot change the past, but I hope you can take solace in the fact that you are doing your best you can to handle things in healthier ways now.

Often, abused children learn abusive habits from their parents. This is an unfortunate reality. But you as have many others are choosing to reject the behaviours that you learned as a child. I think you are not giving yourself enough credit for the steps you have been taking.

I know that while I was being abused as a child I was very angry. I enjoyed fighting with other children. I bullied bullies because I couldn’t defend myself against my bully at home. It made me feel strong and powerful. But this aggression spread, I started lashing out at my friends when they told hurtful jokes. When I noticed that I was starting to hurt my friends I stopped it all because I didn’t want to turn out the same way as my mother.

We can only change when we are fully aware of our actions.

Let me ask you, what good is coming from you torturing yourself over your past behaviour? My concern as I mentioned before is that ruminating on this is a pattern of self-abuse for you.

I would also add that this world is inherently traumatic. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has hurt someone unintentionally. Everyone has experiences of trauma by the time they become an adult. Whilst it is unfortunate that so many people experience pain, it is also a part of life. It is every adults responsibility to learn to manage their emotions and boundaries.

Hi Bee

How old was your sister when you left? Was your sister able to leave if she wanted to?

I left my brother when he was 14. He chose to stay. The reality in these abusive situations is that by staying you would have both been abused. By leaving, I’m assuming that you were not subject to as much abuse? You were protecting yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. You do not have to feel responsible for someone else’s abusive behaviour.

Hi Bee

I’m so sorry for the way that your family treat you. You didn’t deserve it, your sister didn’t deserve it.

It sounds like you leaving was a legal arrangement and not your responsibility. Your sister isn’t significantly younger than you.

Feelings can take time to catch up to what you know to be true in your mind. You have to remember that what you feel isn’t necessarily true.

Your abuse has primed you to abuse yourself.

When you start blaming, punishing yourself and feeling guilty it is important to ask yourself if this is part of your pattern of self-abuse. What good does this behaviour actually do? What harm does it do? Likely, all this behaviour does is harm you.

You can learn to forgive yourself without punishing and harming yourself. What do you think would forgiving yourself in a healthy way look like? I would recommend that you also intentionally do something kind for yourself to take care of yourself when these feelings arise.

Regarding schooling I’m glad you stood up for your needs and came to a reasonable arrangement.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.

Hi all,

I too just ended an unhealthy relationship, which it wasn’t that even. They pushed they wanted sex with me, but without a relationship. I said no, at least 3 times that I absolutely can recall with time and place. They were a co-worker, I liked them as a person, and I know how needy and anxious I am in any kind of relationship, so no. I told them sex complicates everything. I told them that I liked sex too much. But we gave in, we kissed, made out, it was great, amazing even, I hadn’t had that kind of chemistry in a while. I got horny and gave in. We both agreed that we didn’t want a relationship. I told him if I gave them oral, which I rather take off the table–for some reason I consider it more a relationship kind of thing–to not hold or touch my head, and also, because men tend to hold your head like you were in porn, and I really hate that, I find it disrespectful because I ask not to be done to me. Guess what they did? When we finally got to the day, I made a deal about it because that’s how I would like to be treated. I bought linens, got waxed, got take out, etc. The sex wasn’t great, they put me in positions which they didn’t need and ended up causing me real pain. They held my head down and literally fucked my throat. It was abusive and completely superficial. I felt used. I asked them to not make me feel used. I guess I fantasized about them too much beforehand, so my expectations were impossible, but I wasn’t expecting them to not listen to me also. And when I asked for another session, they refused, said they didn’t want to continue. Why can’t we have sex and agree/respect our boundaries? Well, they lost their job. Don’t fuck around with the boss’ daughter.

Am I proud? Of course not. This is why I’m here. Because I did this to myself and to them. I knew better, I told them, but neither of us listened to the wise person in me and here I am, feeling shitty about myself. Not because I expected a relationship, or loved them or anything like that. I knew what I wanted, I wanted dick. But the change in them, wow, that deeply hurt me, because I did it to myself. I knew better, and I still gave in. I let them use me.