In the last post to you I asked you if you see why I stated that you were fortunate he did not contact you after him screaming and throwing things and saying: ““…there is nothing to address-we are in an unhealthy place and you made me act like that last night.”

Your answer above is that you were fortunate “to be rid of someone who does not see my worth.”

Even though I agree with your statement above, this was not the reason I stated you were fortunate. The reason in my mind is that he BLAMED you for HIS BEHAVIOR. You are fortunate to not be in a relationship with someone who does not view himself responsible for his behavior, especially for aggressive behavior like screaming and throwing things.

Reality he is 100% responsible for screaming and throwing things that day. You didn’t make him scream and such. You have ZERO responsibility for his behavior.

This twisted sense of responsibility on his part is dangerous to you- especially since you FIT into his distortion by being willing to accept responsibility for what you are not responsible for.

Are you drawn to him because you want to stop MAKING him behave unlovingly and you want to MAKE him behave lovingly toward you, as if you have control over his psyche, his childhood, how he became who he is, as if it is ABOUT you (his behavior was determined by factors that were established way before he met you).

If you could clarify to yourself, over time, the issue of responsibility- who is responsible for what, you will have clarity you did not have before. Can you imagine how simpler life would be if you could truly accept what you have no control over- including your parents’ responsibity for your attachment wounds, trauma- and move on working on what is your responsibility?

Hoping you answer…? (I agree with your past statement: Your reason for not trusting this man has nothing to do with your flaws- there it is- go with your INSTINCT, it WAS right all along!!!)
anita

Dear titanshiny:
You got it- 10 days and no insight.

You wrote he never acted like that- he was abusive in other ways though, only not this particular way.

But here is the catch of you getting it- you don’t fully get it because your FEELINGS are telling you still that it is your fault. All he had to say is “I need positive vibes, not negative” and it fits with what you already believe (you are the cause of his bad behavior). Our feelings are supposed to let us know what the hell is going on in our lives: are we being abused or not? Are we the cause of not? Should I be with him or not? You know intellectually the answers to those questions but your feelings, your emotions are telling you otherwise.

Healing is about getting to the origin of these feelings and figuring out what of your own feelings to NOT trust, what are pathological and what are healthy. When you stood up to him you were exhibiting healthy behavior based on healthy emotions. When you react with guilty feelings to his “I need positive vibes “etc. comment you are lead by pathological feelins… CONVINCING feelings but pathological.

Pathological because they are based on DISTORTED beliefs, that you are responsible for his behavior- no wonder you would feel guilty- and not on REALITY- that you are not responsible.

Pathological because those convincing feelings lead you to behavior that harms you- such as getting back to him if he wanted you to- and wouldn’t that feel great- a euphoric feeling, pathological, because it would lead you to the re-uniting with a harmful man, a man that will lead you away from healing and deeper into sickness.

What says you?
anita

Dear titanshiny:
I hope you are patient with yourself. Healing is a slow process, a step ahead, a few steps back. There is no fast correcting what we falsely believe and what we feel in accordance to those false beliefs. It takes time and effort and taking breaks when you are overwhelmed.

You list your neediness as a flaw- no, no, no- it is not a flaw, it is being human. Trying to pretend you have no needs or that you shouldn’t have needs is not congruent with reality and therefore is flawed thinking.

You use every real or imagined flaw, imperfection in you to justify another’s lack of love and/ or abusive behavior toward you. It is a trap because you- like everyone else- will never be perfect, whatever it means.

You believe you are not loveable, not worthy of love, of attention, of someone staying with you lovingly. So you try your best to … be worthy of love by denying yourself, shrinking yourself even more… how strong that NEED for love is… you will do anything for it…

There is nothing wrong with you- you want the right thing that we as humans are genetically programmed to need- to love and be loved. Misguided as what you are, going about it the ineffective way. I am going for a walk soon so will not be by the computer for a while. If you would like, if you have the space and energy, if you are calm enough- read through our correspondence, read slowly, let the words, the idea have a chance to be absorbed and see what happens. Try to not be so attached to the way you thought all your life, to what fits to your existing beliefs. Give a chance to new thinking… slowly, little by little, patiently… and then maybe there will be light and love. And write to me if you’d like, be back to computer tomorrow morning if not before.

take care:
anita

Dear titanshiny:
I re-read our correspondence. I understand that you contributed negativity into the relationship with this man. Still you are only responsible for your part of every interaction and he is to his. You learn if you can trust a person by how they act when under stress. It is when stressed or distressed that you need another’s support the most. If a person is there for you when he is stressed, being supportive and respectful of you when he is distressed- that is true quality of a person. The moment he blames you for what he is responsible for- blames you for his unacceptable behavior, disrespectful/ abusive behavior toward you- well, that is a red flag. You state that you may have been abusive toward him- but you were more than willing to take responsibility for that and for much more that you are not responsible for. There is a difference. He takes too little responsibility; you take too much…?

Regarding my own journey: right now I am feeling quite distressed. My husband is not home- it often makes me feel distressed, i worry he is hurt by me, angry, harming himself somehow. Where is my own “journey with love and acceptance” that you asked that I share? Well here it is: assuming my husband (a good man, very good man) is okay and well and he comes back- I am not going to irresponsibly or abusively lay my distress on him. I am not going to get angry at me for whatever (he did nothing wrong). I will not cry and wail so that he will … never again leave orsomething like that (manipulative). I will not try to hurt him so that he will know i am hurting. I will not ask him questions about where he has been.

i do feel distressed and even depressed. But i will need to deal with it myself (sometimes with his help). The thing is I AM RESPOBSIBLE for how I am feeling now. Not him. I have to keep being respectful to him no matter how I feel.

This is not how I used to think, feel and behave. I felt and behaved as if I was responsible for his feelings, often denying myself, trying to overly accomodate and then feeling angry… I acted as if he was responsible for my feelings, punishing him for “doing a bad job” managing my feelings.

As I am currently feeling distressed and depressed I am still writing to you, thinking I can contribute something to you- and to me- in this state. I am trying to accept myself when feeling distress, see where it is coming from, and understand I still have work to do while distressed, healing work, that is. I am not taking a break from healing while distressed, a time out. I used to take big time time Outs. And then come back to healing. No, this, right this minute, it is still healing time.

Write me anytime…
anita