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I'm changing..does that mean it's worth it to try again?

Home→Forums→Relationships→I'm changing..does that mean it's worth it to try again?

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  • September 22, 2018 at 8:36 pm #226727
    jace
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    Alright so some background… (Sorry in advance for the length)
    About 8 or 9 weeks ago, I (22 years old) got broken up with by a boy (23 years old) I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. I could get into all the details of how much I cared about him and how much he cared about me, but I honestly could write about it all day long. Our love was something special to both of us and I was insanely lucky to have found someone I clicked with so well. It started rocky (We met in college right before he graduated and hooked up, kept doing it until he graduated, he moved to my hometown a few weeks later for work, started hooking up again, I caught feelings, he said the feeling was mutual but he didn’t want be in a relationship because he wanted to be single in a new city with his new job, I went back to school, he realized what he was missing out on, I came home for a break and boom relationship), but eventually we got to a place where we were both pretty happy. We even fantasized about the future and talked about moving in together and maybe possibly marriage. Even toward the end I didn’t sense anything was wrong until after a year of dating, he was feeling doubtful of the relationship.
    He said he loved me and didn’t want to end it, but the doubt continued to overcome him as time went on and it was making him not want to commit to me anymore. He couldn’t really place why he felt that way, but whatever the reason was, he started not seeing me in his future. We hardly fought, I gave him 1000% of myself, there was no other man/woman, he wasn’t so busy that he couldn’t focus on the relationship–none of that. His heart just wasn’t in it anymore and he said I deserved someone who could give me all of them the way I gave him all of me. So it was over.
    I was totally blindsided. And devastated. I did nothing but lay in bed and cry for a week. I lost 8 pounds. I even did all the stuff everyone specifically tells you not to do: call him, text him, get drunk and yell at him, get drunk and beg for him back, the whole nine. Basically every day. He responded kindly, probably as to not hurt my feelings, but it wasn’t the same as when we were dating. When we broke up he said he still loved me and wanted to be my friend and that he didn’t want to be out of my life (although he said he’d understand if I didn’t want him there). He even met me somewhere after a week just because I asked. He laid it down pretty gently at that meeting, but the gist was “I love you. I want to be your friend and I love spending time with you, but I need space to heal too. You should not contact me for a while and then when we’re ready we can speak again.” It hurt to hear, but I understood what he was saying. So after that (with a slip up or two the first 3 days after he met with me), I went into no contact.
     
    Where I am now
    I decided that the period I had of not speaking with him was going to be as much of a time of healing for me as it was for him. He asked for it, and I’m so thankful he did. During that time (Which lasted a little over a month), I did all the things people tell you to do post-break up. I started working out more, focused on school, started therapy, strengthened relationships with friends and family, and even went out on a date. Through this, I felt stronger and more confident. I realized that a lot of the problems between us came from not only him being unwilling to commit, but me not valuing myself and loving myself enough to realize what was happening. I always pushed wanting to get married and start a family right away. I made him say that he wanted to move in with me, even though I knew his personality was not one to jump on rash decisions just because he loved someone. That’s why, throughout the relationship, there were times where I felt taken for granted, but I never told him about it. I gave everything to him. I made him my whole life and expected him to do the same, even though he was just not there yet. I thought it was what I wanted, but now I know it was because I was insecure, even before I met him. I felt like I needed someone to complete me, but now I know that relationships will only last if both parties are happy with themselves and can be together to make each other happier.
    My dilemma
    I’m not saying that I’m totally there yet. Two months is not enough time to make that big of a change! There are times where I am sad and feel like everything would be better if he just called me and begged for me back. But I know I’m stronger than that now. About a month after our initial meeting, he texted me a picture of his sister’s new baby girl. I know it was probably only a friendly update as I was really close to his family, but it made me really think about whether or not I was ready for him to be in my life like that. I decided that I needed to figure out what he was feeling during our time apart, so I responded politely (congrats, send my love to your family, etc.) and left it be. Two weeks later I contacted him (something random just reminded me of him and I thought it would be a good way to open up the door to communicating again), and it turned into us catching up over text. That turned in to him suggesting that we hang out and catch up in person some time in the next week or two. I got busy and the conversation fizzled out after that, but I’m thinking about taking him up on his offer soon.
    At that meeting (after some catching up and ice breaking and what not) I want to thank him for the realization he gave me and bring up the possibility of trying again. I know I know that sounds really bad and totally contradictory to how I made myself sound earlier, but the difference is I am not going into this suggestion expecting anything. If he says yes, then cool! If he says no, then also cool! I am also no fool. I wouldn’t want to jump right into another relationship, but rather a period of “dating” again. I know that just because I’ve changed doesn’t mean he has matured out of focusing only on himself like I think he did during our relationship. I also know that just because I’ve changed does not mean that he still loves me. All I know is that all the love and connection that I had with him is still there. I still think this could work. I am a healthier, happier person than I was before and I would be ready to see if that change is enough to solve whatever obstacles he saw felt kept him from committing to me fully.
    So basically, I’m asking..what are your thoughts? Am I being totally stupid for considering this? Do you have any advice for when I see him next? I could use all the help I can get in this sticky situation!
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