After reading this post, I was inclined to make an account to just reply to this thread. I’m going through exactly what David has been through although I wasn’t with that girl for longer than 2 months. Now, after 6 months after she dumped me horribly, I still miss her and can feel that anger. It was horrible to a point that I completely turned myself into an alcoholic, with no regard for my life nor the people around me who still care. It was not until I met my current girlfriend that I quit drinking daily. Like David, my current girlfriend is very loving, very stable and I love her a lot. I feel secured and safe, however, whenever I’m not with my girlfriend. I just miss my ex so much up to a point I’m filled with anger for what she had done to me. I’ve been struggling to get rid of these unhealthy thoughts and remind myself everyday that my girlfriend is always here for me and she would never hurt me the way my ex did.

I have created an account to reply to this topic.

I see a lot of my own experiences in this post and hope that through sharing we can relize that we aren’t alone, and perhaps someone can help me get a handle on my pain too.

First, childhood history. – Parents separated at 7, divorced at 8 due to infidelity with another family member. i was a lonely, overactive kid struggling with ADD. School was very erratic as a result. Moves house a lot as a kid. Probably 8 times due to parents.

At the age of 16 I met a girl who I started dating more or less straight away. She was from a rich family and was privately educated, I was very much working class. Her father worked away abroad, cheated on the mother and ultimately left her for a foreigner the same age as my partner. I think this created some big trust issues in my partner.

I am a very passionate intense person and this person I was dating mirrored that so I found someone with whom I thought I could be truly open and honest with.  Unfortunately with being so young alcohol and arguments transpired and we separated and got back together several times over the course of 2 years. She would tend to blame me for things, say she had tried but couldn’t make it work, then  would leave, date  someone else and reconnect  after a breakup. Im no saint mind, and when I sensed she was going to leave me I did cheat on her, but after the loss I never got over her and missed her constantly. I dated, but didn’t find true happiness, and at the age of 20 I started seeing a girl who I would stay with for 7 years.  After about a year of dating this girl, my ex contacted me, and we started talking on the phone regularly. When I saw her in person I realised just how much I loved her and we decided to reconnect. I told my partner I was leaving, but at the 11th hour I realised something was wrong, and we patched it up. My ex was incredibly upset when I told her I wasn’t leaving my partner.  For the next 6 years I got closer to my partner, we moved in together, but my heart was never in it and I couldn’t get over my ex. I went around her house a few times, drunk, and we had sex. I wanted more, but she kept on going back to a man she was on and off with.  I dreamed about being back with her, but couldn’t trust her, or myself. At 27 the itch won, and i got back in touch, we decided to pick things up again and I left my ex for good and moved out.

At first things were magic, but very quickly I realised she had a massive drinking problem and after 2 months we were over again, and i sank into a deep depression. I tried to fill the hole by sleeping around, and when I found a steady partner I began a serious relationship and have been with her for the last 4 years.

Things aren’t perfect with this partner, but we get along, but even though that I still have a hard time getting over my ex.

I put my mind off her when she runs through my head, and I accept the fact that we were toxic for eachother.

I just feel like a horrible unfair person incapable of enjoying a real relationship, and I worry for the people I get close too. For fear of being alone I have took many years of happiness from others

I don’t understand why even now, with years of concsious effort I still feel a tie I can’t quite shake.

Hello guys,

Well, I created an account so that I too, could reply. I think my ex of only 15 months, may be experiencing what most of the men have described and is having a difficult time letting me go. Let me explain. This guy  (my ex), and I met on Matc#. For a couple of weeks we exchanged emails, an a few texts messages. I remember receiving a text from him and I decided not to reply. This guy was super fit, competed and won several titles. I was SO attracted to him. However, Something inside nagged me that he isn’t the one (I’ve always dated w purpose), if I felt a guy wasn’t the one, I would not waste either my nor his time. And the fact I had kids, he didn’t. I couldn’t help but think he may be a ladies man – he was super hot. I hightailed it. Fast forward several years, we both found ourselves single, back on match. He again, found my profile and messaged me. I felt it must be kismet, My kids were older, though fit before, I had become moreso and felt our lives matched. The fact he sought me out a second time felt so romantic/fairytale to me – I decided to go for it. One of his titles impressed me so, I couldn’t believe he wanted me, chose me. He would send me songs to express how he felt for me. One such was You’re the one by John Legend. I swoon even to this day when I listen to it. We became best friends, talked every single night for 3 months before meeting (long distance relationship), one night, we talked for “6 hours”. Unheard of – we made one another feel like teenagers. Called one another soulmate, person, bffs, mirror images. We WERE the one.

But the whole relationship was rocky from the start. Fight, break up, kiss make up. We were inseparable, too. We fed off one another, good energy yet ALL the bad energy. It was so toxic, but we had this chemistry I’d not ever felt before – so intense. I loved it. He was/is my soulmate, but we fought, argued, he was mean to me. Our very last fight was so bad, I maced him. I felt so horrible. There was jealousy, no trust almost from the beginning. But the connection was unparalleled. I remember telling him, the moment I fell head over heels in love w him- NO other man existed. I felt it, I meant it. However he never made me feel the same. I told him more than once, when a person finds the one, all the others cease to exist, at least that’s how I felt.. 

Then came the day I caught him on social media cheating. Liking this woman’s photos (a lot of them), that was the first clue. Then I read some of his comments, contacted her, she sent screenshots of their conversations… and it broke my heart. He even called my mother, talked to her for an hour. He has never had a serious relationship (btw, red flag ladies). This man who, never forgot me over the years, looked for me years later to ask me out again, who told me he wanted me to be the mother of his child (we were looking at wedding rings), ruined my psyche. When I compared some of the dates where he was communicating w her, I was screenshoting pics of engagement rings to him, he was screenshoting pics of her behind, sending it to her via DM. HURT?? Never felt such pain, betrayal, disappointment. I broke up w him after a couple of weeks trying to “get over it/forgive”. It wasn’t the first indiscretion. I believe he is sorry for his mistakes. I decided not to stick around to find out if it would be his last. I believe his family dynamics was similar. Mom cheated and mistreated his father. He ALWAYS accused me of cheating. 

It’s been 2 months, he’s been calling – oftentimes hours on end. Emailing, texting. Apologizing, crying and begging. He’s sorry, promises never to do it again. Told me I’ve made him a better man (only took a yr), not for another woman he says. And he’s right, I have noticed a change. He was a narcissists, mean for no reason at times, for most of the relationship – oh, I gave it back. But w all our other issues I explained to him cheating was the worst thing he could’ve done. If a relationship is rocky – don’t turn outside. 

Through it all, when he calls I sometimes feel the urge to answer, whenever I have in the past – we’d just argue. I’m reminded how pointless, counterproductive it would be. We get along when we are physically together. We do not get along whenever we are apart. I miss him like CRAZY – clearly he misses me. He calls privately attempting to get me to answer, even creates mannny fake numbers to get his calls and texts thru as I’ve blocked him. I completely feel he is the one. He’s my soulmate. Not sure if You – David, believe in soulmates?! I think we all have one, possibly more than one. Your soul aches for them. You feel this instense connection w them. Your heart feels joined as if it will seal off a small corner, that will forever remain there’s. The most unfortunate thing is we don’t always get to spend forever with our soul’s mate. Sad concept, I know. And though I have moved on (he has as well. Dating/sleeping w other women), he will always occupy a small part of my mind. But I will happily keep my heart open ready to fall in love. I honestly believe no other man will ever have me like he had. I’ll spend forever missing him, yet I will not miss the way we treated one another. All I’ve ever wanted was be happy and loved by a faithful partner.  I know I will forever mourn us. But love is sometimes unkind.

You accept the pain while accepting life and love goes on. Don’t deny any emotions, just remind yourself of the misery. You will eventually let go. And move on. Understand this is something that happens to many couples. Who knows, you two might rekindle later in life. Sometimes I think right time, wrong person. Right person, wrong time. Some bad relationships prepare us for the one.

All the best to all♡

Dear  members who posted here earlier and Suzc, most recent poster:

I wasn’t aware that this thread was still happening, long after my last post in it March 2017 until today.

A recap from page one, I wrote to David March 2016: “The ‘something’ your ex girlfriend may have is the very fact that she was intense at the beginning of the relationship with you and then she withdrew. That ‘something’ about her may be just this, and nothing more. Maybe one of your parents was emotionally distant… Oh, how intensely did you crave that he/she will love you again. This is the same kind of craving, and there is  nothing more intense than a child’s desire to earn back the parent’s love.”

A year later, March 2017, David posted (his last post): “I feel desperate. I don’t know how to let it go. NC rule doesn’t seem to work for me, because I think about my ex every day” and he wrote that even though he suffered most of the time during that relationship,  “still the occasional highs were totally worth it”.

I replied to him at the time: “… Maybe you have been experiencing a payoff from this preoccupation, this longing, all through this time… What could it possibly be, what is the payoff”

David didn’t answer. Many members posted since. Leigh posted March 2018: “I feel terrible for such thoughts (longing for the ex) because my current ..is perfect- the guy is so understanding, caring, everything my ex isn’t. Yet, the special spark seems to be missing. maybe all I want is just a closure I never had”.

Susz wrote most recently: “Your soul aches for (the exes). You feel this intense connection with them. Your heart feels joined as if it will seal off a small corner, that will forever remain theirs”

My understanding today on this issue is the same as it was more than two years ago: the emotional motivation to reunite with an ex who was distant, disapproving, even abusive is the pre-existing motivation of the child one was, to reunite with a distant, disapproving, even abusive parent.

A young child is not mentally separate from the parent. From the child’s perspective he or she is One Unit with the parent. Accepting, approving attention by the parent is necessary for the healthy mental development of the child, so that he or she feels safe enough to mentally separate from the parent and explore life independently.

An unaccepting, disapproving, distant… even abusive boyfriend or girlfriend triggers that need. This need is the craving.

I asked David what is the payoff of his craving for his ex after a year of no contact. He didn’t answer. I think the payoff is the feeling one has, temporarily, when believing that the craving is satisfied. Those moments, I believe, are “the occasional highs (that) were totally worth it”, that David was referring to.

The craving of a child is so intense, that the temporary high when believing the craving is satisfied (by a boyfriend/girlfriend representing the parent) is equally intense.

anita

I don’t know what to say… I am in a similar situation… though I am not connected to him in any medium…

and I have everything that a good relationship must have but Still, I feel guilty that I miss him… I guess self-control, loyalty and time will make perfect medicine for this heat ache…

I found this today and created an account. I am really hoping David gives an update. I need some kind of  hope.

I made an account just to respond. I too have an eerily similar story, I guess that tells you something about the human experience. That we experience things similar to each other more than we think. Wow, ever since my ex and I broke up I’ve been searching for answers on why I can’t get over him even though I have dated at least what feels like 100 guys since him and this forum and the responses, especially from ANITA are the closest I’ve ever come. Anita’s responses sound like they are coming from a therapist who knows what they are talking about, obviously these things are easier said than done, to pick up and move on but realizing why we are doing or thinking what we are thinking has helped me come more to terms with why I have missed my ex. Sure I loved him, but if my new boyfriend ever left me then came back and repeat would I be feeling the same way as I did with the ex? Probably. It’s very possible, it’s a sick game that our mind plays on us to keep us from being happy. In childhood our mind keeps us safe from danger by hiding it in our sub-cautious (repression)  as an adult this doesn’t help us at all, just makes us pine for more pain I think. Then we end up dissociating from the present. There are ways to keep us in the present so we stop reliving out the trauma from our childhood. If anything this has been a wake up call to get my self into counseling or therapy to work out my troubled childhood that has left me being with unavailable lovers and robbed me of my happiness with my current boyfriend.

To the person who said maybe you just haven’t found the right person, I don’t think that is necessarily true if we are looking for love like we had when we were a child  and that love was abusive, distant, cold, or unavailable, than that love wasn’t a good example of love, if we never had a good example of love how do we know what to look for? Our picker is off. I think he was a nice guy but just couldn’t decide on me and strung me along for 2 years on and off. I can’t say I haven’t done this myself in my first relationship but I learned from it and in more recent years I won’t go out with someone more than 4 times if I know it’s not going anywhere. I don’t know how everyone else is on this thread but I am the type of person who knows almost right away if I could love someone or not. I’ve read before that we will always choose what is similar to us and what resonates with us in childhood, what hand we were dealt. I think we can fight against this with professional help!

I have a lot of feelings on this subject, but I will say there is something about my ex, something before things went south that made me love him like no one else I’ve ever loved, maybe it was because they had the same darkness as me and also maybe I felt like a better version of myself around them, but the truth is I couldn’t really be my full self around them because they weren’t in love with me, I had to change myself or feel a need to change myself so they would like me. I have a hard time letting go of the notion that they never were in love with me and they never will be in love with me. The relationship with my father or I should say lack there of with my abusive and estranged father is very much the same in many ways, so at the end of the day it really is me trying to reconcile that relationship as an adult with a man who cannot love me, not the way I deserve to be loved as we all do as our imperfect, perfect selves. I hope everyone on this thread who is suffering from unrequited love with a family member or an ex lover finds resolve and can learn to love themselves, and know they are worthy of reciprocated love from a supportive, attractive and caring partner!