Dear Gracie:

In May 2014, your first thread here, you wrote: “My ex broke up with me 9 months ago. This was my first relationship….During our relationship I would feel anxious and scared that he will leave me for another girl everytime he would not spend his time with me.”

Over two years later, today in your above post you wrote: “When I met and dated my ex I never had these fears. I was so attracted and inlove with him nothing else matters. I just wanted to be with him. I felt so safe and secure.”

I don’t know if you referred today to the same guy, your first relationship. But notice, in hindsight you remember the moments you felt safe and secure with a past boyfriend but you forget all the long, painful moments, days, nights, weeks of insecurity, anxiety.

This is a distorted view of the reality of the past and it will block your moving forward. Better see the reality of the past and present as it was, as it is.

The fear in you was there since you were a child. We touched on that in previous threads. I didn’t re-read our previous communication, but you can if you’d like. And if you do, you can tell me where we left it off. Insight into the origin of your anxiety, the lack of safety in your childhood, needs to be addressed further.

Back to your May 2014 first thread, you wrote about your first boyfriend: “My fear became a reality so I lost him. Now that I lost him I should feel at ease and worry free. But why am I still haunted with fear and anxiety of losing him when i already lost him.” My answer is: you were still haunted by fear two years ago, still haunted by fear presently because the fear of the child that you were needs to be addressed and processed; healing needs to be done.

anita

Dear Gracie:

Regarding your question: how do I address and process the fear when you were a child?

My answer: In psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist. Fear is a powerful emotion. Anxiety is this ongoing fear that keeps circulating in the brain. Sometimes you get a break from it: when you sleep, daydream, get busy with a task… listen to music, etc. But too often you feel it, again and again and it creates problems in relationships and work and every part of life.

In therapy, with a competent therapist, one who will be gentle with you, one with whom you will feel safe; one you will trust. And there are therapists who advertise as specializing in anxiety.

anita

I am, by no means, an expert. However, it seems that you associate time apart with your bf with him possibly spending time with someone else. As someone who is fiercely loyal, I would be insulted by the inquisition that would likely occur after such events. Can’t imagine that I would be the only one who wouldn’t appreciate the insinuation. Of course, the question is… why the jealous possessiveness?

The truth is, nobody will be able to spend all of their time with you.