Hi there. I’m new here and I need some insight and advice about a situation involving myself, my baggage, and my (possibly ex) boyfriend. We have been seeing each other for almost five months now. We started as friends after having a class together at art school. We were couple of “the adults” there, having both returned to get our degrees. We hung out a few times platonically and really enjoyed each other’s company, and eventually he told me that he liked me but didn’t want that to interfere with us being friends if I didn’t feel the same.

I am fairly recently divorced and re-entered the dating scene in mid-January of this year when I started seeing younger man who’d approached me. He left the country after a few weeks of us spending time together and we tried to make long-distance work, but he started receiving sexual favors from (according to him, only one) other person and didn’t tell me until I asked him directly. We talked so often and for so long that I thought he would tell me if he met someone or if something like that came up, but his claim was that he assumed I was doing the same, an assumption based in nothing. We talked about things and I tried to be okay with his actions…we weren’t fully committed (a bit of a copout), and things were otherwise pretty good, considering. He told me he loved me a few days later, after playing at trying to get me to admit that I did and just didn’t want to say it. Something about it didn’t sit right with me and the next day I didn’t feel happy, I just felt drained and doubtful. I made a long list of my questions and concerns that I wanted him to address before I felt that I could really settle into whatever we would decide to do next. And I mean…a long list. I detailed the fears and doubts I had after my divorce, and basically wanted assurance that he would be able to be honest and refrain from hurting me again. After finally getting him on the phone to discuss it, conversation quickly broke down. He didn’t want to talk about any of it. He made up excuses, put blame on me, shut me down, disrespected my feelings, projected onto me and then totally withdrew, ignoring my calls and texts, unable to be reached.

After a dramatic text meltdown, in which I broke down all the ways in which he was and had been an asshole, I called it quits with him. He responded to these texts with his own vitriol and that was it for a few days. I am ashamed to say that I tried talking to him again. He called me a psychopath but said he missed me. We continued to periodically say hello, but nothing else came of it. I am totally over him and see how I put myself aside, acted irrationally, and embarrassed myself for someone who didn’t care enough about me because I didn’t care enough about myself.

During our short-lived dalliance, I was platonic friends with my school bud. I didn’t see him I a romantic light and thought that he were either gay or just uninterested in me until he expressed his growing feelings (after I’d broken up with the other dude).

We began to see more of each other and talk more and feelings started to grow. At first I liked how he seemed different from a lot of my previous choices in men, but I slowly began to see that he wasn’t that different, after all, when we ourselves have scars, wounds, or preferences based in some trauma or modeled after a parent, we are prone to unconsciously choose that type of person time and time again. He is a good listener, artistic, a great lover, and seems to care a great deal about me. But sometimes he would make offhanded comments that hurt me but I tried not to be too sensitive and take them personally. Or we’ll watch movies and he’ll openly fawn over actresses he finds attractive, or will comment on how he likes looking at a certain person. Now, I know we all look and find people attractive, bit this was a bit confusing to me, as I’d mentioned before that my ex-husband would blatantly stare at women in my presence to the point of not hearing a word I said to him, and my new guy felt this to be really disrespectful. But how is it different?

I cannot claim to be the most secure or the least jealous, and in turn I try not to do things I wouldn’t want done to me: I don’t comment on men’s appearance, I don’t stare, I don’t give a reason for him to ever feel I’m not loyal or faithful. I brought it up to him out of curiosity and asked of he wanted me to join in when he makes such comments or what he felt he accomplished in drawing us closer by making such statements. He said that it was not his intention for me to also notice and comment on the person, but that he would try to filter himself a bit, as it wasn’t necessary to do what he did. I said that he is an adult and can make his own choices and that we’re too old to be trying to change certain habits if we don’t want to; it is not my job to change or control him. He said no, he thought he needed to change this habit. I felt satisfied and we moved on.

However, during an argument while he’d had too much to drink, he alluded a bit angrily to having to filter himself for me. I was taken aback because I didn’t realize that was how he truly felt. During the argument, he said a lot of things that were hurtful and he shouted me down about things in a way that I felt was uncalled for, but I chalked it up to his being drunk and to my not respecting his boundaries by asking for more details about a story he told me in which he “took care of” a guy who had tried to pimp a friend of his. Why tell that story at all and leave out that very crucial detail and not expect me to be curious? He got really angry about me asking and if I’m honest, being a bit too persistent about knowing more. I tell him so much; he’d become my prime confidant during shelter-in-place. After that incident, when we were able to move past the very long and draining argument, I decided to step back quite a bit from confiding in him about my life, my daughter, my ex-husband. The week before, we’d had an argument because he mistook my comment that his life is very simple and mine is too complicated sometimes as a judgment. It really wasn’t intended that way. I told him I *wish* my life were more like his sometimes, I’m not meaning to judge. He has familial support close by, I don’t. I said that the separation we experience seems easier on him because of his support system and he disagreed, not understanding my explanation that it’s hard for me sometimes because all I have is my 6 year old, whom I see half the week and who is having some serious growing pains with the divorce, Covid-19, and a frequently stressed out mom who has no other family or friends around. What I felt was that maybe he was judging himself but kept insisting that it was me and that he had no responsibility for his own thoughts and feelings that led to his belief. He’s said before that his life is simple and easy because he’s made it that way: he is 45 years old, no kids, never married, and right now he stays with his sister and her family in an upstairs bedroom and mostly reads and paints. He has very few expenses and outside of me, he really only sees his family and family friends. I am the first person he’s brought to meet his family in about 10 years; his mom, sister, and brother-in-law really like me and the feeling is mutual. Many of his relationships have been short-lived. What was interesting to me is that we see each other so seldom and really enjoy each other when we do, but I would never see him on Wednesdays and he’d never say why or what he got up to. I’m always without my daughter on those days, but he never made an effort to get together, and breezed over it if I suggested it. I just chalked it up to maybe he does something for himself he doesn’t want to talk about and tried not to make it a big deal.

This week, he left his sister’s house (which is an hour away) where he’s been sheltering and moved closer because he thought campus studios would be open and he said he wanted to be closer to me. We usually see each other for 3 or 4 days every two weeks, as I share custody with my ex. After he took the rental, which he never saw in person, signing the papers after relying on a video that misrepresented the actual place, which was essentially an upstairs room in someone else’s house with no locks on the doors, no closet space (as they were using it for storage), and a different, pungently overwhelming smell from an unknown source everyday, he moved out, with my help, after 5 days. He seemed way too happy that “the landlady really really liked” him, and less invested in making a good decision, in spite of my gentle coaxing to go see it first. He’s an adult, he can decide that for himself. But he is like this, he gets very excited about people really liking him, based on very little evidence. This woman wanted to rent him a room, of course she’s going to be nice, this does not mean you can forego doing your due diligence before spending thousands of dollars on a place you don’t see in person first. He said another time that he didn’t need me to think he’s attractive (although I do and I tell him all the time, in spite of his questions of “why would you want to be with *this*? and gesturing to his body, which I don’t need to be perfect), because other people on the street have said we’re a “beautiful couple.” Really? It’s more important what a random stranger thinks of you in relation to me than what I think of you? To me, it seems he needs a lot of external validation, but I’m not perfect, so while it can be annoying sometimes, I try to overlook it.

I have been very empathetic with him, but in arguments, misunderstandings, or discussions, he always makes everything about him. I am a le to explain my own emotions, if not at first, then with further exploration. I am also able to explain and understand his emotions to him, even when he comes at me with what turns out to be a projection. I take responsiblity for my emotions, apologize, and move forward, having learned from the experience. But I have my deep seated issues. My ex-husband recently broke up with someone who then started stalking me. I don’t know her. She thought he and I were getting back together and that he was cheating on her with me. Nope. Never. She called me and pretended to be me, AT me. Then she pretended to be someone I know, and became verbally abusive before I hung up. She called me over 30 times in an hour, then called and hung up 20+ times late that night. She verbally threatened him for 20 minutes on the phone after I told him I’d been receiving strange calls and texts and he realized it was her and told her to stop. She is needing attention and care, and I asked him to file a restraining order because I didn’t feel safe. When we were married, he had an inappropriate relationship with the 18 year old babysitter because she needed attention and help and he has a martyr/savior complex. He consistently put her feelings and needs over mine. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back in our marriage.

This past weekend, we went to my possibly ex-bf’s sister’s house to drop off the things he’d moved. When we arrived, there was a pretty young girl on the sofa, the daughter of one of the family friends. This is the third time I’ve been there and seen a young girl that he clearly has a pretty close relationship with, all teens. Their reception to me is usually chilly, but they’re teen girls, what could I expect? But it did raise a red flag after this last time. I tried to ignore it, but this is a girl he’s mentioned before, pretty early on. I’m sorry, but it’s strange to me that a 45 year old man would have such a close relationship with teenage girls. My own insecurity/jealousy, past experiences, and being preyed upon by family friends as a teen inform my feelings. I have also told him about being preyed upon as a child. I didn’t tell him about my ex and the babysitter, however.

My issues reared their ugly heads the other night. His family is big on having fun in the pool, drinking, and just having a good time. I felt a little apprehensive because I’m never sure how others will receive me and I’ma former shy girl, but hey, I can step outside my comfort zone and get to know people. And I did. I immediately started having a good time, talking, laughing, having shots by the pool. It felt good to unwind after being cooped up and not having much fun or contact with others. But, I’m a bit of a lightweight. I don’t drink caffeine, but I’d had some of his caffeine drink before arriving, as my energy was low and I wanted to have a little more pep for hanging out. After many shots and smoking two cigarettes (I don’t smoke tobacco), I was still having fun, but had reached my limit. The whole time, I was mostly hanging with others and mingling, not needing to hang on to my bf. After changing into a bathing suit to swim, pleading with him to come have fun, trying to get him to change and join us, he went inside to talk to the teen girl. This was it for me. Inside I felt, “I am here for and because of you. I am taking the time to be with your people, get comfortable around them, get them comfortable around me. You have barely been here. You’re in here talking to a child, who, mind you, could have talked to it hung with his nephew or niece, who is closer to her age. I’ve been here before and this is too much for me.” Before I had that moment, the girl’s mom had offhandedly commented that she had said, “Mom, we just do art together.” I didn’t know that they did that. Is that where he is on Wednesdays? If I don’t have to say or allude to anything and the girl’s mom is explaining a situation, surely it was strange to her, too. I got out of the pool and my drunk self made the mistake of telling his brother-in-law that I didn’t like that he wasn’t spending any time with me and instead chose the girl. I said I’d been in a teen babysitter situation with my ex-husband. He tried to talk me down, but it didn’t help much. My bf came outside and we went upstairs to talk. He proceeded to yell at me about it. He says I pointed my finger in his face and that was why he slapped my hand, but I was sitting in a chair and I was not that close to his face. I got angry that he touched me that way and that once again, his feelings and his ego came before everything. That once again, he is shouting me down instead of breathing, listening, or assessing the actual situation. Why touch me? Why not walk away? I’m clearly toasted. After that, I kicked at a stool and he claims I got violent and tried to kick him. I don’t recall that, but I do recall the other stuff. I got dressed and went downstairs again, where his sister tried to talk me down, to no avail. The slap had been too much. I called myself a car and his bro in law tried to get me to stay, tried to talk to me, but I felt so angry, embarrassed, insulted. I was drunk. Bf kept coming out to see who the driver was so I “wouldn’t get raped” but I didn’t want him around. He said it was stupid to go and pay all that money. I let two cars come and go after he asked me to stay. At one point he broke he threw his beer bottle into the street. This sounds so foolish and codependent. I’m ashamed of my behavior, but I know that I wasn’t ashamed enough to have gone home when I wanted and to not lash out drunkenly.

I tried calming down later and reiterating that I just wanted him to hear me and understand the pain I was feeling. He couldn’t and wouldn’t. After more yelling at me, saying I don’t love him or care a out him, a common refrain I hear in heated conversations, he left the room with disgust and the proclamation that he was done. So I called a car and left.

When we fight, he is a totally different person. He is no longer kind and understanding. He accuses me of not loving him if I have any constructive criticism or personal pain that isn’t really about him. He is no longer able to access empathy and fairness. I know enough about him to understand how childhood issues inform these responses and we talk things out in the end. But I don’t think I can live down the scene that I caused.

When I finally left, he was really angry that I had, moreso about that than about everything else that transpired. He said I could have slept on his bed and he on the couch. Surprise…the young girl was on the other couch down there. I just needed to go. It was ugly, it was negative, embarrassing, and I wanted to go home. He berated me for making “an absurd point” by leaving and “putting the nail in the coffin of our relationship by doing so, when we could have worked everything out.” I told him I loved him but if I don’t take care of me, who will? His answer, “Me! My family!” wasn’t good enough. Because he still refused to hear me and try to understand why I felt so triggered when I was so drunk. But also, why is it my responsibility to understand and take care of him when he’s drunk, but when I’m drunk, I’m somehow more accountable than he is? I don’t drink often and I never drink as much as I did at one time. With the caffeine, tobacco, alcohol and little food, I basically poisoned myself and proceeded to act like an asshole. But by leaving to take care of myself, he feels I’m doing something to him. We were texting while I was in the car home and he was upset that we’d not had the convo by voice. Well, that tactic hadn’t worked all night and I really didn’t feel like subjecting my kind and innocent driver to that nonsense. I told him that I don’t do everything that I do with and for him out of boredom. That I cared for him and still do, that I sometimes have fears and want acceptance just like everyone else. His response, “Whatever.”

He still has some things at my place so the next day I broke the ice by texting and asking if he were still hungover. According to him, he wasn’t really that drunk, which further upset me. But he still tried to play down his actions and play up my “violence” even though he slapped my hand and broke the bottle in the street. It showed further evidence that his actions are always justified, yet mine never are. He tried to act like he was understanding of my leaving, but that was really far from everything that he’d said and texted the night before. He tried playing that down, too. He said he wanted to take a step back and come by for his things in a few days. I see that I am codependent because I still wanted to work things out and talk about them. I said if he were dragging things out, let’s just end things now. He was still angry and wanted to think things through. I said I agreed with taking a break but he wanted to know how I felt and if I wanted to continue talking. I said I always like to communicate and bring things out and he knows that. I asked him the same question and he responded with irritation that he wanted to wait until Wednesday. Then why ask me that after I’d already agreed to him coming by on Wednesday to get his stuff? It’s as if he wants to know my feelings so he can have some power over the situation.

So look, I see that I have a lot of baggage and co-dependant tendencies. And perhaps I’m once again with a man child who cannot look past his own ego to really be with me in the way that I need. What do you think I need to see and hear out of all of this? I don’t have anyone else to confide in about this and I could really use some honesty about myself and this situation. I am feeling like it’s time to let go and be alone for awhile so I can really work on myself. This isn’t everything that I am. I am bright, caring, insightful, funny, sensitive, creative, understanding. I don’t want to be a fool anymore.

Please help.