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In a confuse state.

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • February 7, 2017 at 8:26 am #126960
    Teddy
    Participant

    I am in a confused state. I just need someone to talk to.
    I have been in a relationship with this lady for 2 years. From the start i knew it she was not the one, i knew it from the begining due to her selfish attitude but i thought i could change things, because i saw the red flags but i thought i could just ride on. Then we started show less care about me (she is selfish) and my life i felt lonely and also shocked because if you claim you love someone you will care about the person 100% but she didnt give her all. I know what it means to be loved i know. But i was not being loved as i expected so i broke up her, she pleaded with me , i took her back told her all my problems with her, she promised to change but it remained the same, we went on, i was always convincing myself she was it the one (but deep down inside of me i knew this is not what i want in life) i wanted a happy relationship (we have never spent 3 days straight without quarrelling we quarrel always. I always do something she does not like, i will change from one of her complains only for her to come up with another one. It was that.. Then again i summoned the courage to break the relationship this time. But foolishly for me i went back to her again, because i thought i could change things or maybe things could get better. WE dated for a while but this time she thought maybe i just realised i loved and i cant do without her. Which she was wrong (she started unusually) i regretted going back to her. Recently i called off the relationship because i told her she took my love for granted due to her selfishness. She admitted it that she messed up. That knew alot of things that i could make me happy but she did not do it because i did tell her. I was disappointed. So we called it quit. Here i am in a No contact with her for like 6 weeks running now but she called me during this period trying to manipulate me emotionally saying she leaving town that i will never see again and so on then on another day she called this time feeling sober. I know she wants me to her another chance. I am beginning to have that crazy feeling of taking her maybe she will change this time and it is affecting my growing period and hindering me from learning from this breakup. I know it will be wrong move. I just need encouragement through someone who has gone through this before

    February 7, 2017 at 8:41 am #126963
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear clemmonce:

    You wrote that you need encouragement to keep the 6-week No Contact with your ex girlfriend and not to re-start the relationship, which you felt from the beginning, was not right for you, a relationship full of discord.

    In the word “encouragement” there is the word “courage”- I believe you need the courage to endure the distress of loneliness without reacting to it by restarting this unhappy relationship.

    Since you are distressed not being in a relationship for six weeks, is it possible for you to meet a different woman, or women, so to choose a future girlfriend who is not selfish and who will love you?

    anita

    February 8, 2017 at 5:02 am #127005
    Teddy
    Participant

    she contacted me last week and it just made my situation worse. Asked about my life and work and later texted that she is leaving town i should not bother of seeing her again and so on.
    I need the courage to endure the distress of loneliness without reacting to it by restarting this unhappy relationship.
    My worrying questions
    1.Does it make sense to restart a relationship of such ? and see if things can be different this time
    2.We going on No contact for 6 weeks now but she called twice in between those 6 weeks. There are alot of things i want to tell her. How she made me take the actions i took i did mean to take it. But she made me do it. Is it normal to contact or i should let me go ?

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Teddy.
    February 8, 2017 at 5:07 am #127006
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear clemmonce:

    No, it doesn’t make sense to restart a bad relationship. Endure your loneliness, learn all you can learn from this past relationship, choose a better candidate for your next relationship and do your best to make it healthy and loving.

    If you want to share: how was she selfish?

    anita

    February 8, 2017 at 7:05 am #127020
    Teddy
    Participant

    So many things to talk about.
    The relationship was all about pleasing her and making her happy. She complains alot about everything.She complains about this i will try and adjust to make her happy only for her to come up with another complain, i will do that one only for her to come up with another one. i was always offending her for things i dont know. i started becoming too sensitive to everything because i dont know if i have done anything wrong or not. I struggled and fought just for to be happy but she was not always satisfied even when i was sometimes stretching myself she was not just satisfied. For example if she me at night and i say i feel tired i need to sleep politely. That will bring up problem. So i wait until she say she wants to sleep even when i am tired i just need to be awake so we dont start another quarrel again. The quarrel are light but it always took the joy out of relationship which affected me alot. May i say this we did not go three straight days without having one of those quarrels. It really affected me alot. I spent all my energy on making her happy so she can be loving and caring but the more i try the more the hurdles get higher. She was only happy and caring only when i do and act in a way she wants. But in few hours or DAY she will go back to hibernation. I know what it means to be loved i never felt. It seems i was just giving and giving i gave myself away.
    It is the same reason we always break up ( we have broken up like three times before this last time) But she will always beg i should take her back and so on.
    I will tell her always that she is choking up me , that she is not making me happy. But she never asked for once what makes me happy i think i have asked once if she knew what makes me happy, she had no answers. BUt i just kept moving on. But i never felt loved. She says she love me but i dont feel it.
    Can you just imagine we have broken up like 6 weeks now and the only thing i so much miss about her is her numerous calls and chat no real impact on my life. After the break up i wonder and search about her behavioural pattern because i am confuse then i got an answer IT IS SELFISHNESS. All our former breaking up have only lasted two days maximum we are back together so we never learnt anything. Now i know the reason for the No contact it gives an oppurtunity to learn and review your actions in the relationship and also know what you want in life.
    I know a relationship is full quarrels and misunderstanding and that is what makes it fun.
    If she had shown me love and care normally and not always wanting me to make her happy before she shows love and care. Which i rarely saw. I would have stayed.
    Here i am sometimes i am happy, sometimes i am sad, sometimes i feel i maltreated, sometimes i feel a sense of regret but i have to be strong for me.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Teddy.
    February 8, 2017 at 7:23 am #127023
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear clemmonce:

    So this relationship caused you anxiety: it was not loving or safe for you. She was and is able to see only her advantage, her immediate need, not caring about your advantage and needs. She was willing to make this a Lose-Win proposition: Lose for you, Win (short term) for her (ex. you keep awake, no matter how very tired- Lose for you- so that she has your company until she is ready to sleep- Win for her).

    What is the confusion about for you, then- you seem quite clear in viewing this relationship as unhealthy, unloving (and a Losing proposition) for you…?

    anita

    February 8, 2017 at 7:49 am #127024
    Teddy
    Participant

    Loneliness and trying to feel in the void makes one think or even try to get what is not good for one in the long run. I think i just miss talking to someone. I just need to be strong for myself. This period has made me see clearly what i want in relationship and identify a relationship worth fighting for. I am also working on improving myself.
    it was definitely a win – lose situation not a win – win situation and it killed the joy of the relationship.

    February 8, 2017 at 7:55 am #127025
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear clemmonce:

    So is there confusion or just loneliness? You seem very clear about the unhealthy Lose (for you) relationship. There is no reason to expect her to change: she is not attending psychotherapy, is she? It is most likely to be the same if you got back together.

    Loneliness is not confusing, it is unpleasant. It makes you want to be with someone. That is the nature of it.

    If you got back with her, you will have to expend a lot of energy trying to please her so that she can be nice to you for a little while, and then, please her more and in greater ways so that she will be nice to you again- that is a lot of energy. Why not use your energy to find and start a healthy Win-Win relationship?

    anita

    February 8, 2017 at 12:54 pm #127046
    Teddy
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your words of encouragement.
    Just dealing with the what ifs and various regrets after a relationship break up. But going through some articles online I realise it is part of the healing process it is totally part of it. We tend to forget the various reason behind the break up and focus on the good part only. We just have to keep reminding our selves why we broke up and how bad we felt in the relationship. Which I am doing always. I am feeling alright today. No pain, no worries. Thank you

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Teddy.
    February 8, 2017 at 1:38 pm #127053
    Alana
    Participant

    Hello Clemmonce,

    I can understand the pain of loneliness. I was in a relationship for 6 years and when It ended, I nearly ended. I had no life and couldn’t bare the thought of not being with this person. I took a big risk and left my home city of New York and moved to Chicago to get away, to start over.And that choice has grown me hugely. It was a long road but one I wouldn’t change bc of the change it did for me as a women. Now, I’m not telling you the solution is to move away but rather putting yourself first. The word you use the most in reference to your ex is “selfish” which means you were more selfless, so why not switch the roles. Why not become selfish and do the things that make you happy? Don’t you deserve that? Loneliness will come in waves.If you’re looking for it to stop altogether it wont, you just get better at dealing with it. It’s apart of life. I still almost 3 years later have my moments of loneliness, but it gets better. I promise you that. And 6 weeks isn’t enough time. Hell my first year after the breakup and I’d still have breakdowns. Healing takes time. It can be shorter for you than others or it may take longer. But the best answer I could give you is to put yourself first. To truly distance yourself from whats hindering you.It’s going to hurt, it’s going to be hard, but it isn’t impossible. It seems you have more than one reason to walk away rather than to stay.
    I’m sorry if this isn’t the best advice, I just want you to know that you are the most important person in your life and that is worthy of selfishness if it means protecting your heart and growing your spirit and confidence. Namaste

    February 8, 2017 at 7:40 pm #127078
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear clemmonce:

    You are welcome. I hope you continue to feel better. You were very clear in your posts that this was an unhealthy relationship and it does read like one- she is demanding and unloving. So, do not redo what already failed and is most likely to fail again and again.

    anita

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