In a relationship but have feelings for another person=my friend

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This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.

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October 30, 2017 at 2:37 pm #175803

Lira
Participant

So, uh, yeah… title says it all. I’m 22 turning 23 years old and I have been in a relationship for 2 years now with a guy, who is almost 2 years younger than me. Long story short he and I met at a pet store we both started working in at the same time, were friends for five months and then I painfully confessed my feelings for him in his car. Trust me it was painful, very painful, I hate, hate, hate being vulnerable. Anyways… over the 2 years our relationship went through ups and downs. At certain points I’ve felt trapped, other I felt completely fine and in love, never wanting to push him away or let him go. He didn’t and still doesn’t want to go to some of the places I do, though. He wasn’t big on spending time with me, that’s changed pretty recently. He’s slowly changed and the time I spend with him is so great now! I enjoy it more and he’s maturing.

And now… the guy I have feelings for…. My first run-in with him was last fall semester, I went into a classroom cause I forgot some of my school stuff, I noticed him. I kept thinking how cute he was. I left but he definitely made an impression on me, but I soon forgot about him. the next week my friend ironically became friends with him, since they were in the same class. I’ve had temporary attractions to people so this one would be no different in my mind. However all last semester during college, the spring semester, him, my friend and I ended up in the same art class. Two weeks in I was starting to the whole butterflies in my stomach, the fluttery nervousness when your really attracted to someone. I kept talking to him and he was so sweet, and kind. And at this point my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch and we had become nonexistent almost at points. To be honest I was the one that started texting the guy. We became friends. I kept telling myself that the attraction would go away and he’d just be my friend. Honestly we texted and talked more during that time than I did with my boyfriend who just started putting everything else before me, including his job. We became really close because we had a ton in common. He’s not the type to openly talk or admit his problems, or talk about his personal life, but he’d slip up, and has said things about his life.

So as the semester ended and summer break began, I purposely stopped texting him. He’s not huge on texting, so it wasn’t a problem to ignore him. Though I am apart of a group chat with him and a few of my other friends, so I still saw what he said, I avoided even responding to my friends. I wanted him out of my life and was trying to mend my relationship with my boyfriend which got better. I thought about him once and awhile, the feelings did fade quite a lot.

And now this semester, I still don’t respond in the group chat with my friends and him. I saw him once on campus this semester but avoided to say hello, which shocked the feelings back into me, but they disappeared quickly. And mostly I just kept to myself and hangout with my boyfriend. Everything has been good so far, though really stagnant at times. However, two weeks ago my friend randomly texted me.He needed help with his english homework. So I agreed, feeling those feelings for him come back. Realizing now, I was forcing myself to believe I was only doing it as a friend, which I knew wasn’t the complete truth. Fast forward two weeks. he didn’t text me. I got pissed. Cause I’ve helped him and my friends with homework before, he and them would text back. I texted him a pretty bitchy text. Well, he is honest and kind, he fessed up he had completely forgotten I was helping I’m and that his teacher was helping him instead. Well, in that moment, me knowing me and my emotions… I flipped out at him, told he was full of bullshit in a text and yeah… no answer…. Why did I flip out? Part of it was the anger I felt realizing that there is something seriously wrong with my relationship with my boyfriend if I can’t shake these feelings for him, my friend. Part of it was the pain of being split between my friend and my boyfriend, and part of it was my trust. I felt betrayed cause for a brief second I’d convinced myself to believe he was lying, because you can lie through texting. I was trying to find any excuse to push him away like all the other times of pushing him away, though this time it was pretty up front and in his face. I wanted to keep him away and in a sense, get rid of any evidence that my relationship with my boyfriend isn’t as entirely perfect as I want it to seem for myself…

I have no idea what to do, because it is true, I love my boyfriend. The thing is, my boyfriend dropped out of college and refuses to talk about the future of moving on, moving out and in together, or getting a real job and not being a cashier at a pet store. We have a lot of fun still, though we don’t have some things in common. But with the future, he’ll give me the cold shoulder every time I bring up the future, and adamantly refuse to talk about it, even after 2 years of dating. This is where I feel stagnation. It’s literally just that my boyfriend doesn’t have a future, or doesn’t want one cause of his own internal issues he doesn’t want to face or talk about with me. And I’ve probably really angered and hurt the guy, who is my friend, because I, in a highly emotional state, said things I didn’t mean and basically cut my nose off to spite my face. I realize my stupidity of telling him that, and I want to apologize but I’m afraid, I’m afraid he won’t forgive me. I’m afraid to have him in my life in any way, and afraid to lose him cause he really is a kind, goodhearted guy, and people love him for who he is. I know I’m one of his friends he’s close to, and I don’t want to lose him as my friend. And on the flip side I don’t want to somehow lose my boyfriend completely even thought it feels like now, our relationship is at a standstill. And it hurts me, all of it does. I don’t know what to do… I want to apologize to my friend, but I don’t want to keep feeling this way…. I feel like I’ve betrayed myself, but most of all my boyfriend and friend because of the way I’ve been feeling….. I don’t know what to do, so that’s why I’m here, venting and in need of advice.

October 31, 2017 at 9:40 am #175919

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lira:

You wrote: “I feel like I’ve betrayed myself”- it feels badly when we betray ourselves. The solution is to make things honest, to be honest to others, this way, you are true to yourself.

If you are true to yourself, what would you say to your boyfriend? What would you say to the friend? You can post here the answer to each, because here, knowing that neither will be reading your posts, you don’t have to fear the consequences- let go of such concerns, and tell each man simply what it is that is true to you.

anita

November 4, 2017 at 3:35 pm #176499
Lira
Participant
Dear Anita,

Thank yo so much for replying! Sorry for the late response. And you are right, I do need to be honest with others and myself, especially when it comes to my emotions. Though, I feel like if I am honest, I’ll be creating unneeded drama for myself. I really do not know what to do.

Anyways… What I would say to my boyfriend is… well… it’s hard to put into words. I guess I’d say this: “We’ve been dating for two years, and over those two years you’ve never had a plan really. You’ve dropped out of college. You refuse to think ahead and by doing so, are keeping yourself in a lower paying retail job you hate. You’ve refused to talk about the future with me, or make any plans about moving in together. I’ve tried and you’ve fought back at me, telling me there wasn’t a point to talk about moving in cause both of us didn’t have jobs that’d give us a real salary to live on. I tried to explain to you that’s what getting an education is for, and or trying to get promoted with the company you work for already. Still you refused to even look at how much money we’d need to save, and you disagreed with me saving money wouldn’t do anything as we’d be living off borrowed time of our lives. After two years I can’t take this. I love you. I really do. Even though you don’t want to move ahead, I can’t dedicate my entire being to try to convince your stubborn mindset to move forward. You have to do that yourself. I have an idea of how I want my future to unfold and am saving up money and planning to move out of my parents house once I graduate and move on. You tell me you’ll take some internship your mom is pressuring you to get, but you shouldn’t get it because she wants it. You have to start thinking for yourself and what you want and not waste life away.

I think that maybe in a way me being around isn’t helping. Maybe being around each other isn’t moving each of us forward to where we want to be. And as much as I hate to say it… maybe we just need to take a break and just be friends. Doing that would just help us focus on ourselves. And as much as it would hurt us… in the end I think it is for the best. Me being out of the picture would give you clarity, and help you start to discover yourself. Sitting around playing video games, and binge-watching TV still in your PJs and never going outside on your days off isn’t good. It isn’t good for anyone. I know you’re depressed and lost. I know it. I know it, whether you know it yourself or not. A part of me feels not being in a relationship with you will worsen that, which is why I’ve been avoiding this conversation. However, I also feel it will motivate you, cause maybe somehow I’m enabling you to do just that, not move forward. I love you so much and care about you, but our relationship has become strained a lot, and at times stagnated because you go into those episodes of not talking to me or wanting to be with me, and just avoid everyone, including your friends, by cooping yourself up in your room. In the end, I just want both of us to be happy, and that’s why I want to take a break from each other, or sort out our lives, because I’ve talked to you time and time again about this. Even though things are going good now, you’ll enter into one of those episodes of not talking to anyone, and that can’t happen again. And I just want you to understand this, and I want you to get better. Because if you do get better, you’ll have a future, and maybe, just maybe I’ll be in that future.”

That’s what has been going through my head with telling my boyfriend. I’m not sure if I want to breakup with him and never be in a relationship with him again, but I do certainly think a break of separation between us is definitely needed. And when it comes to my friend, I have no idea what to say or even what to do at that point. I know I want a break from boyfriend, but should I even tell him how I feel, even if I’m not in a relationship anymore? I feel like that would destroy our friendship. And I don’t think it would be a good idea. Then again, I guess I just got to think about this more. But if I had to tell him anything this is what I would say to my friend: “Look, I’m sorry I flipped out at you fro no reason. It’s just I’ve been going through a lot and I’m pretty quick to anger. Again I apologize, I’m definitely working on my temper and trying not to let things, or take things as personally as I used too. But, some of what I’ve been going through, well it somewhat relates to you. The thing is, you know I’ve had a boyfriend, but you don’t we got into a fight cause of his episode of ignoring me, semi-broke up unofficially due to that. The thing is I never really talked about him to you for a lot of reasons. But the main reason is, well for the past eight months or so I’ve seen you as more than just a friend. And the thing is everyone in long-term relationships feels a temporary attraction to someone and then it fades. Well, for me it didn’t fade. And you know, how I ignore our friend group and texting everyone, is because I’ve been trying to ignore you. I know you didn’t notice, but I did that cause I thought if I disappeared and pull away, I’d stop feeling this way, but I didn’t. And I’m only telling you now, because in a sense you deserve to know.

And I’m not telling this so you’ll become my boyfriend and stuff. I’m only telling you this for myself. I need to get this off my chest cause maybe the feelings will go away or more importantly, maybe I won’t feel so conflicted. I don’t know what to do, and it’s subconsciously been kind of stressing me out. The thing is I don’t want to loose you as a friend and I want you to know, that whether or not you feel the same way, I want you to understand what an amazing person you are. I know you’ve had a hard life, but understand i didn’t like you for no reason, there’s lots of reasons. All I want you to, if anything, to take away from this, is that you are so much more than what you think. I know you’ve struggled and stuff, and have been on your own since you were sixteen. But you’re kind, and caring and funny and say the most random things, but that why I feel this way, and it’s why some many people care about you. Because if there’s one thing I know about you, it’s that you never though anyone ever cared about you, even though you a zillion friends. And it’s true, people do really care and love you. If that weren’t true, then I’d never have felt this way about you for this long, even though I’m in a complicated place in my life. So understand that, and know that, that’s what I want you to at least take away from all of this.”

So that’s what I would say to both of them. I feel a lot better getting all of it out of my head, but I still don’t know what to do. And if I were to tell one or both of them, how I would go about it. Maybe it’s better if I say nothing. I’m not sure. I’m just, just still kind of lost.

-Lira
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Lira.
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Lira.
November 4, 2017 at 4:38 pm #176507
Eliana
Participant
Hi Lira,

I think you should give them the letters. They are very well written and come from your heart, and very touching. Keep us posted.
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Eliana.
November 5, 2017 at 6:04 am #176541

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lira:

I think it was an excellent exercise that you did. It made things clear to me. This is my understanding:

You want a separation from your boyfriend but you are conflicted by two things: your emotional attachment to him, the fact that you are still having good times with him, and your fear of hurting him by separating.

Once you resolve this conflict, you will be in the position to attend to the friend issue. The two issues are separate.

Back to the first issue then: reads to me that separation from him is the thing for you to do. You are clearly dissatisfied with his lifestyle. It is definitely not congruent with yours and with your plans for the future. Although you have seen some maturing on his part, so you wrote, his maturing is far too little to match what you need from a partner in life.

If you decide on initiating a separation from him you will have to deal with your emotional attachment to him and give up the good times. This will be your price to pay. (If it wasn’t for a price-to-pay, the decision would have been easy for you).

Regarding your fear of hurting him by the separation: your anger as is now is already hurting him. Every time you bring up the future, he withdraws, you wrote. That means he experiences some emotional pain when you bring up the future. And I don’t think you can help it because the future is your concern.

It is not at all necessary or even a good idea to explain all this to your boyfriend. You already explained a lot to him. No need for much more. I have more input but need to read your thoughts about my reply so far.

anita
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