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  • June 12, 2016 at 3:03 pm #107044
    Elleno
    Participant

    I have been married for twenty years. In the past three months I met a guy who I developed feelings for and confessed to him. It was the first time I had feelings for another man. I was unfortunately or fortunately caught by my husband through the chats we had on the phone. I promised to have stopped but I have strong deep feelings for this guy and we continue to talk. He is really not feeling the way I do as he is sometimes very cold. He hurts me but I go back. I am not sure why I love him as he is nothing compared to my husband. He is busy and does not really have time to even talk on the phone. I am trying not to contact him but I find myself having spoken to him. My husband would never trust me again should he find out. My biggest concern is that I want to gget rid of the feeelings for him so I can give all my love where it belongs. I miss him a lot most of the time but I dont think he does. What could be the reason for this. I consulted a psychologist and he told me that there is something I am getting for this guy that I do not get from my husband. I cant confirm that as this person is not playing along.

    June 12, 2016 at 3:09 pm #107049
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear elleno:

    The fact that the guy is cold to you and that you are drawn to him anyway, is leading me to consider the possibility that you simply want out of your marriage and that you wanted out of your marriage for a long time, but felt badly about it so you repressed your desire to get out, trying to ignore it.

    But that desire would not be ignored, so it jumped out of you, figuratively and latched on that guy, the first person it could latch on to so to draw you out of your marriage. I am thinking it is possible that it is not important who the guy is, it could have been anyone.

    Do you want out; have you wanted out, for a long time?

    anita

    June 12, 2016 at 11:20 pm #107099
    Lalee
    Participant

    I agree with the shrink. You’ve been married along time and this guy is something new….something exciting and thrilling. You’re suffering from the typical, thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. You’re more than likely bored with your husband. I don’t doubt that your husband is a great guy, but the relationship is probably dull…..routine and predictable. Just don’t throw away years of marriage for a guy who you clearly see don’t share the same feelings.

    June 13, 2016 at 3:48 am #107104
    Elleno
    Participant

    Good day,

    Thanks Anita and Arilee,

    Sharing this with you gave me other thoughts and introspection. My husband in a way was controlling and most of the time angry with me for useless stuff, I could not really be myself. When he discovered about this guy, he was shattered and never believed that I could do that. I had changed and no more the same person that I have always been. I was prepared to let us go seperate ways. When we saw the shrink he was prepared to do what I need him to be a support and not a controlling freak.

    After getting the response from Anita yesterday. I decided that I will have to take control of my feelings and get the new guy out of my system because he is not coming to the party and has not reciprocated on the love I displayed to him. I felt very light after that. I am therefore very grateful.

    June 13, 2016 at 9:36 am #107127
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear elleno:

    You are welcome and please do post anytime.

    I think that you and your husband should see a competent psychotherapist together. I think that you developing feelings for another man and somewhat having been willing to have a relationship with that man is a result of problems in the marriage that your husband is also responsible for, no less than you. The marriage being what it has been and is, is about 50% your responsibility and 50% your husband’s.

    The fact that he was often angry at you, for no good reason, nothing you caused- well, that is his problem, 100% his responsibility. It is a problem he should have attended individual therapy himself so to not direct his anger at you. When he repeatedly directed his anger at you, he abused you, mistreated you. As a result of his mistreatment of you, you didn’t feel safe, to be yourself. That is no way to live.

    So, if I was you, as I understand your situation, I would be very gentle with myself, not blaming myself at all for the attraction for the other man, that was and is understandable. I would hold the husband responsible for his anger and mistreatment of me, and I would hold myself responsible for not standing up to him all these years, suggesting and insisting that he heals his anger and not bring it home to me.

    And so, as you attend couple therapy with him- if you take my advice, that is- do it not as the guilty-partner but as a couple who is 50%-50% responsible for the situation as is. You will know if he is willing to do the work he needs to do IF he takes responsibility for his part, for mistreating you with his anger all these years.

    anita

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