Dear Aks:

In the post before last you wrote: “i am emotionally weak”- this is not my understanding, that you are emotionally weak. My understanding is that you are in a very difficult situation created by your parents AND by your boyfriend. They are unreasonable. And so, the problem is not that you are emotionally weak. The problem is that you are in the middle of two unreasonable parties: your parents on one hand, and your boyfriend on the other. They are both too emotional and not rational enough.

Unfortunately, you are the only one respecting rational thinking in this situation. First thing I suggest is to get yourself out of the urgency that you feel. You don’t have to take in your boyfriend’s urgency. Give him back his urgency, the mental pressure he inflicted on you and take in you calm and rational thinking.

If you continue to be taken over by your boyfriend’s urgency and mental pressure, you will continue to suffer, you are more likely to make the wrong choices, being under such distress, and as a result, nothing good will come out of it, not even for your boyfriend.

Being as emotional as he is, your boyfriend doesn’t know what is good for him. You know better.

First thing first: get that calm, rational attitude. Then post again and we can continue to work on figuring this out, if you’d like.

anita

Dear Aks:

I am looking forward to read what happens, their reactions. I sure hope they respect your thoughts and feelings. I wonder how you are feeling, how you will feel handing them the letter and waiting… Hoping for the best for you.

anita

Dear Aks:

My concerns:

1. Previously you wrote: “He says that i should talk to them again..one last time..And if they again deny, just make a call to him..And he would come at my home and will take me with him..and according to him..if i will do this in front of my parents..they would get agree”- his plan is, as I understand it, that if your parents deny the marriage, you call him, he comes over, pretends to take you away from your parents’ home, and that will cause them to agree to the marriage. His plan may very well not work. I am concerned about the fact that he seems so sure that his plan will work. I am not at all sure.

2. You wrote previously: “he is too emotional..according to him..whatever your heart wants you should do…i am somewhat different from him..as per me..we have to use both our heart and brain as wel”- I am concerned that he is not capable of making good choices for you because he is too emotional. For example #1 above seems based on his emotion and not so much on logic.

3. “he says i have left him alone in his own house..his parents daily ask him about me… i feel this mental pressure”- I am concerned that he is being unfair to you, putting so much mental pressure on you. Telling you that his parents daily ask him about you is putting unnecessary pressure on you.

4. In your latest post you wrote: “(he) had so many affairs that time and he would never be loyal for you. she said that he tried on her also…i know he is kind of flirty guy”- a new concern, this input by your sister.

5. “As per her our parents know about all these stuffs about him so they would never be ready for this”- now I know that your parents disagree with the marriage not only because he is of a different caste but because he has a reputation of having multiple affairs and being flirty, still, with women. I agree with your sister, based on the information you provided here, that your parents will indeed deny the marriage. And that plan #1 is very unlikely to work.

If I was you, I wouldn’t even bother talking to my parents. If I was you, maybe I will suggest to the boyfriend that his parents talk to my parents (see if THEY have the courage to do so!)- it couldn’t hurt.

Another concern of mine: that your parents are hurrying up finding an arranged marriage for you so that you stop your involvement with your boyfriend.

Looking at everything so far, at this point, I am for suggesting to your boyfriend that his parents talk to your parents.

Please do post again soon.

anita

Dear Aks:

So his parents are not willing to talk to your parents, but he is not putting any pressure on his parents, is he?

He is not talking to your parents either, is he?

He does nothing to solve the problem except for blaming you: “why are you not leaving your home…u r not bold enough to take this decision…”

He told you to “take stand and just say that i wil marry him only…and he also asked if you didnt have the courage…”-

He doesn’t have the courage to talk to your parents and he hasn’t done so. All he does is blame you for not having courage while he is showing no courage. He is not taking a stand with your parents.

I don’t like your boyfriend. I recommend you end this relationship. I agree with your sister and your parents regarding this man: he is not a good choice for a husband.

If you marry him, I believe, he will continue to BLAME you for future problems (and there will be future problems) and take no responsibility and no action himself. This may very well be how he operates, a behavioral pattern.

I recommend that you break up with him, heal, and within a few months, a year, maybe, I hope, you will be able to open your heart to a man who will be fair and kind to you, a man who takes personal responsibility for his life (instead of blaming you for his… lack of courage and inaction).

anita

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Dear Aks:

I agree with and support your conclusion: “I will wait for some days..it could be possible that he would do something from his end to save our relationship..else i will not have any other option to end all this…because i cant see any other thing which i can do from my end…”- good thinking on your part. Excellent.

The pressure the boyfriend placed on you all this time is and has been unfair to you: he has done you wrong in this regard. Reject that pressure- you don’t deserve that pressure-torture. It has caused you suffering and that is not right for you.

Like I wrote, I don’t like that boyfriend. If he can’t do anything on his end to make this a good relationship and one that will go toward marriage, then end this. Give him back the pressure, let it be his.

Post again anytime you want.

anita

Hi Aks,

You know that you want both your parents and your boyfriend in your life. Perhaps instead of planning on one big talk or letter to change everything, change could be a gradual process. Think about it from your parents’ perspective: this way of understanding life that they have known ever since they were young is being challenged. What could be the best ways to see from their perspective, and then let them know your’s, and then search for the similarities in the perspectives? Maybe you can begin there. Perhaps both sides could make small changes to produce big change.

Some of it sounds like it is beyond tradition. Some of it seems like personality conflicts. Perhaps it would help to know that your parents and boyfriend don’t have to get along, or even see each other that much, but if they love you they can make you happy by simply not talking or complaining about the other person.