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Indecisiveness

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 weeks ago.

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  • #299487

    oliveoil
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    Hi Tiny Buddha community,

    I apologize of the long note but here goes:

    I met G in Jan 2017. It became clear very quickly that he was looking for a relationship but all I wanted was friendship. We decided to stick with that and continued talking. Over time I developed strong feelings for him and confessed my attraction/love for him in December 2017. I went home to my family soon after for the holidays for a month. When I returned things were different. Throughout the first half of 2018 until May, he’d give me mixed signals and I constantly second guessed myself and gave excuses for his behavior (not texting/calling/making an effort to meet). He was juggling multiple things with work, studying for grad school and frequently gave that as an excuse. He also said that people had left him in previous relationships and he was scared about investing so much time in me (we are from different religions, that’s why I was hesitant to commit so quickly). He’d make up by showering me with love and praise and I’d melt instantly. Finally in May 2018, he called me one evening and told me that he decided to move cities as he didn’t feel happy or motivated enough and craved change. I was shocked but supported him on the call while crying.

    A month later, I wrote him an email for closure, more for myself, but next thing he shows up at my office and says that his transfer to another city wasn’t approved. He wanted another shot at us. I gave in. I spent the next two months with him constantly and those were the best days. We did everything together and it was so much fun. However, his transfer came through and he ended up moving in September 2018. Since then, we have been on and off and trying to make long distance work.

    Now during 2018, I made a close family friend, M. M was there for me and supported me throughout the initial breakup. We became best friends but I never saw him more than a friend. He lived on the opposite coast as well. He encouraged me through my insecurities and sleepless nights. M grew to like me and visited me in November 2018. We had a great time. After that visit, he told me he liked me and wanted to know my thoughts (he thought I had broken up with G when he moved in September). I politely declined his offer and M decided to get engaged to someone in India (someone who she was speaking with over call from the US). However, we kept talking and he starting making trips to me as did I. I still couldn’t decide if he was the one as I was still in touch with G, although we were in different cities too and were on and off.

    I spent the months from Feb 2019 – May 2019 in constant turmoil, wondering who to pick. It was paralysis by analysis situation. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I sought out a therapist. G was trying hard, saying he knew he made mistakes, and claiming that he was a changed man. M was waiting for me to tell him what I felt for him because if I did, he said he would break up with his girl in India. I was in a bad state.

    Finally, with the help of the therapist and friends, I decided to leave them both. M took it very well, I know he still loves me unconditionally and wanted me to end this confusion. G took it badly. He started ranting and tried convincing me for one last chance. I became a bit scared of hurting him and gave in and decided to spend a week with him. I told him to come with no strings attached and no expectations because I wasn’t sure. I told him I wanted to build our friendship and companionship. He agreed.

    However, a few days before the trip, he sensed that I had given in because of his convincing and told me that he wasn’t willing to invest time because he was scared that he would get hurt in the end. I didn’t have the strength to convince him otherwise because I wanted no pressure. We broke up on call.

    It’s now been a few days after the breakup and I feel really bad for not giving him another chance. A large part of what held me back was because although I had the passion and spark with G, I had all the things I wanted in a relationship with M (he is kind, non manipulative, I can be myself with him, he is super responsive to calls, same religion, etc.)

    How does one stick to a decision, and not worry about being wrong? It killed me everyday to make a decision because I was so frightened of the future, of not finding someone better. I still love G but I know a guy like M is better for me. What if G really changed? How do I reconcile things in my mind? I shouldn’t go back and give G a chance, should I?

    Any advice is appreciated!

     

    #299521

    anita
    Participant

    Dear oliveoil:

    Before I read: “Finally, with the help of the therapist and friends, I decided to leave them both”, I thought to myself that it was probably a good idea to leave them both, G because clearly he is not reliable, and M because he is not fair to the other woman in India (“M was waiting for me to tell him what I felt for him because if I did, he said he would break up with his girl in India”)-

    – imagine he marries the girl in India.. imagine it is you, that girl in India, and you discover that the reason he married you was because his preferred girl didn’t want him, imagine you found a record of an email or a text indicating that. How would you feel?

    Better a third man. You didn’t mention a third, but in a world of millions and millions of singe men about your age and not too far away, there has to be that one man who will be reliable and honest.

    anita

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