Hi Tinywanderlust,

Well, I am so glad to hear that something so terrible in my life can have at least one positive outcome. If it helps you, that is very good.
One thing I want to address in your above post, you say:

Luckily, the energy healer gave me some techniques that are already helping me feel the strength to detach, not just physically, but also emotionally. But, I know this road isn’t going to be an easy one and I also realize there’s some deeper digging I need to do in terms of what drew me to a relationship like this in the first place. Luckily, I have an understanding of where that needs to begin.

Well, I am not sure what you are thinking here, and I welcome you to say more. But without that, I would like to again advise you on this way of thinking based on my own experience.

I admire and understand your wish to make sense of things, but I would really discourage you from finding fault with yourself for ending up in a relationship that is abusive. It is something I have heard and seen repeated, even within this thread. There are a lot of silly ideas floating around about why women get together with and stay with abusive men. One idea is that you were looking for this kind of thing, even subconsciously, as in using a phrase like- what drew me to this relationship. If, five years from now, You truly feel YOU are responsible for being abused, then you can afford to be generous and acknowledge that to yourself. For now, rationalizing is not so helpful. Taking that degree of responsibility for the situation is coloring not only how you see the present but also the future.

I was in an abusive relationship, and I NEVER wanted what happened to me. . Actually, the abusive man I fell in love with was initially not abusive at all, and it really did not become physical until we moved in together. Abusers dont wear signs on their foreheads, and most people who have this tendency are very adept at hiding it. They even cover over it and try to be well liked by being really charming, charismatic, and grabbing the check at dinner. There is no way to KNOW beforehand that someone is an abuser before you fall in love with them. So, you go along, and things change, but you keep remembering the guy he was before everything got twisted. You try to minimize what is happening to everyone including yourself, but some people see through that. MOST PEOPLE DONT. In fact, if I had told this mans friends that he was hurting me, i doubt any of them would have believed me. Because it is hard to believe that people, especially people you like and have known for years are actually monsters in the privacy of their homes. Abuse is an impolite topic, and most everyone will look the other way. I wore longsleeve shirts in the hottest weather to cover the bruises on my arms, and no one ever noticed. No one ever asked why.

So, you are in the most tender and vulnerable part of leaving. You would like to put this behind you and to do that you need to tell yourself a good story about how you got here and how you can avoid this in the future. Looking into what drew you to him could feel empowering. Like a diagnosis that lets you get on with the treatment.

This may sound a bit strange, but instead of moving forward which may feel like hacking through the jungle with a machete, you could lift off. You could leave this behind you, below you, and not think about how it happened, or why. Just let it be heavy lying there without you. You do not need to tell any story, you do not blame yourself, you just lift up and out. From there, time and all the wonderful people who love you, and all the wonderful people you will meet in the future, confirm that you are good, and OK, you are not drawing bad ones. Some just turn out to be bad ones.
Do whatever it takes for you right now. When I was at this point, I moved across the country, and I stayed inside watching movies for one week. I could not face the world. My heart was so heavy. I was so ashamed. I cried and I felt panicky. I needed to be alone with myself.
When you are alone you will see you are a completely clear glass of water.

Oh yeah, and two major things complicate it: His sister turns 50 and there has been a trip planned for 14 people (incl me) to go on a trip to the Caribbean Mar 14th. The assumption, I guess, is that I’m still going. Everything is paid for. And actually I can see myself going. that is how dysfunctional all of it is… I can rationalize that its paid for and I don’t get many vacations and its the beach and… And I KNOW he assumes I’m still going. This is a 7 bedroom villa and we’ll be sharing a room. So.. he’s just ignoring me until the trip? I don’t even get it but as usual I’m left to figure everything out on my own because the only time he ever communicates is to tell me I’m wrong about whatever.
The other thing is, at the suggestion of my mom, I got on Match last night. The thing is, as these emails come in from strange men and nice men and every man in between, I could care less, and I’m still looking for someone like him. I really do love him. My love for him is crazily unconditional. And I do love myself. I make healthy decisions with regard to exercise and diet and lifestyle in general. Yes, I’m optimistic to a fault. That is one of my strongest traits. I guess being stubborn is another one.

Dear Claire,

You have not had the DECISIVE MOMENT yet. Instead, you are still in the swinging momentum of together, and apart, and together and apart.
Your self worth does not depend on the opinion of the man, but if you see it that way your world will become very, very small and fragile.

When you write a letter like the one you wrote to him, you should reflect on what you are saying. What you find yourself HAVING to say to keep a little self respect.
Do not expect him to hear what you have to say, especially after the mirroring comment, it means he is incapable of seeing you as a separate person. I have written letters like that, and they were a waste of time.

Crumbs on the counter. My dear Claire. Do you realize how many truly difficult and painful situations a couple will have to face together in the course of life. A relationship undone by crumbs is also crumbs.

What you are describing as unconditional love, optimism and stubborness, needs to meet with hopelessness and decisiveness. I think you may be far from that moment just now. It sounds as if you are really hooked so all I can say for now is, imagine another reality for yourself. Do not be so tolerant. Do not tolerate disrespect. Dont rationalize things, and dont follow your heart. Instead, try to pay attention to the more animal level of the relationship. You will feel it like a prickle when a wolf shows his teeth. It is the feel of someone who wants to come into your territory, aggressively. Hairs can tingle on your arms. When that happens you can hold your ground, or leave. Keep your head up.

Abuse has a weird intimacy which you can mistake for being close to someone. I think you may be making that mistake.

Claire,
I am sorry you are hurting. I understand pain and the cycles that we go through in dysfunctional relationships.

I am going to be honest. As someone who does not know you or your boyfriend, take this for what it’s worth: I think your letter was very judgemental and reads as though you are full of anger and resentment. If that’s the case, you are entitled to those feelings and you have your reasons for feeling that way, no doubt. “You’re the one who…” (judgement). You tell him he feels resentment for you, but claim you have none toward him. You tell him to get counseling, you “warn” him of the physical toll his stress will bring him. You mention your “real feelings” (implying his feelings aren’t real?) The tone does not convey the “unconditional love” you say you have for him. It comes across as an attack. You have every right to attack if you feel so inclined but you might consider taking a look inward and ask yourself honestly, “Am I angry? Am I resentful?” If you feel this way about this person, why do you want to be with him? What good is he bringing to your life? It sounds awful. I’m not surprised his reaction was to “try a different approach” and take a step away from the relationship. I wouldn’t know how to respond to those words either, whether they’re all true or completely off base. They don’t read as a call for help or a desire to work on the relationship. Quite frankly, they read as one big final F You. What kind of response were you hoping for? An apology? I think his response was civil and reasonable. But again, this is just a stranger’s two cents worth.

I think it’s unfortunate that your takeaway from him cutting contact is “I’m not good enough” and feeling rejected. Do you think it’s possible you’re projecting some of your own insecurities onto him? That you’re looking for him to be the villian so that you can continue in this victim role?

I realize my words are not very kind or loving and I’m sorry for that. Believe me when I say that I am asking you to consider a different perspective because I care about you as someone who is hurting. What can you do to heal yourself? Why are you looking for him to heal you?

Take some deep breaths and realize that your worth is not wrapped up in what he does, says or feels. Your feelings of self-worth come from within.

Kelly, thank you so much for the objective, honest perspective. I’m glad I included the letter.. it helps to have any feedback. Villan/victim.. I don’t know. It is here I’m tempted to launch into “you have no idea…he did this, he did that..” but I’ve made the choice to stay in it and am responsible for it. I will re-read this later today as time permits. You’re right, I am angry with him.

i have been out of a long term on and off abusive relationship for 1 year with no communication at all and still find it hard not fantasize about what the relationship could have been. i also understand for those of us who were abused when we were young that we are seeking the love we missed as children in these abusive relationships as proof that we are actually lovable. I will say it is not an easy road but it is the road i am going to stay on . i dont want to inflict any of this emotional turmoil onto my future self , im trying to make her life better.. i still cannot imagine dating another man , but i dont need a relationship to be happy . i just need my inner self back.

a big thankyou to who quoted : abuse has a weird intimacy which you can mistake for being close to someone…
it helps to understand my feeling without blaming or being harsh on myself for missing someone i know only wants to harm me.

there are alot of men out there that werent parented properly and have absolutely zero respect for woman just because they are woman not because of anything they have done wrong.