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In/Out of Emotionally Abusive Relationship

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  • #53100
    KK
    Participant

    Wow- can’t even get thru all these posts because I keep wanting to jump at my keyboard and type away. I will do some typing now……..

    I know that we all tell “our stories” as we perceive(d) them, but I am now open to the idea that my story is simply based on what I believe(d) at the time, which includes lots of assumptions, lying to myself etc. However…….I hope I can give someone HOPE.

    I was in, what I believed to be, a “passionate” relationship for 10 years with another woman. Passion ended up becoming “toxicity”, and we danced a dance for many years. I was always “intellectually” aware that this was an unhealthy relationship, that we were two broken women hanging onto each other for dear life with the fear that we would not be able to live without the other (well, this is my perspective..). Once every six months, a lot of conflict would come up, and I would literally “run”, leave the home. First time was for a few days…until I couldn’t take it anymore (similar to drug withdrawal) and then we would reunite. The last time I bailed lasted 5 months….and I can see now how I manipulated my way back each time. I can only think of a couple earlier times when she pursued me to come back…..granted, I was the more assertive personality- but maybe, she was always hoping I would stay away? Regardless of all that, her piece in this tale is that she took me back after everytime I left…so we each made our contributions. While I was a runner, I know that for me, I ran away from the verbal abuse that she delivered. Let me tell you, women are experts at pushing buttons, and TWO women are very good at smashing them. This kind of drama occurred on a regular basis, and all that it brought was more fear, resentment, blame, distrust…and ultimately feelings of hate.

    My AHA moment: my children had grown older- and having watched this nuttiness over the years, they finally could no longer enable it. They could clearly see I was unhappy, and they became very angry with me for not stopping it. What they did: pulled away from me, my daughter stopped talking to me altogether….and I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE. When I was faced with this kind of choice: the relationship or my kids, I knew I had to put the period at the end of the sentence.

    Of course, I am sure that my leaving again looked like same ol same ol, so she took a different approach and quickly got involved with someone else. That put up a new boundary that added to the finality of it all. This was 2.5 years ago.

    It’s been a long process…….and as much as I have worked at the no contact, tearing myself away from the shared social circle etc…..there is one cord that has yet to be cut. Although we were never legally married- I almost wish we had been – because a divorce would have made things easier. We bought a house together and she has refused to sell it- won’t buy me out, can’t refinance it- so, while she pays the mortgage, I am still 50% responsible for it all, and legally tied. It will cost thousands of dollars to force the sale- and honestly, knowing the kind of acrimony it will bring, I have decided my mental health is more important. I have had to “let it go” and hope that one day, it will be in her best interest to sell and I can finally move on in a more permanent way. Her new partner moved in a few months later and they are engaged to be married. sigh This other woman chose a partner who was 2 months out of a decade long relationship so I can only wonder as to what her demons are that attracted her to this type of relationship herself.

    ANYWAY……I have a wonderful relationship with my children again…..am with a wonderful man who loves me in a way I can’t even explain (well, I can on another forum topic- ha), live my life being who I am authentically, not having to lie, omit, compromise my values, etc because I am afraid of someone’s reaction or of what I might lose. I do get tripped up tho on occassion as there still has to be minimal contact re: the shared ownership of the property. The fact that she still feels entitled to the home in this fashion is a mindset that shows me regularly why our relationship wasn’t one of mutual caring and respect. Oh well……….I see alot more clearly now as I can recognize the abundance in my life…..but it is still a two steps forward, one step back type of healing in terms of forgiving MYSELF, because I still have trouble forgiving HER.

    The bottom line is that I had to “hit a bottom” in order to take the forward steps leading me away from an unhealthy environment. I could analyze all the whys as to why I was attracted to her, why I stayed in this relationship for so many years….what my defects must have been, have I fixed them, blah blah blah. I don’t think that has proven to be effective in my healing. I work daily on being “mindful”, working on not letting my thoughts go back to what I cannot change, and accepting what is NOW.

    It’s hard work…….and I still was on a self-destructive path for some time even out of the relationship…..but I did get healthier. I still love her, I do miss her, we were entangled in a crazy, intimate way for many years, we raised our kids together, etc. Those memories and the caring for the person doesn’t disappear- maybe ever. I used to think I was only “over” it if I felt completely indifferent, and I am not sure that is really the case. Part of what makes me a caring, loving person is the fact that I don’t have an “on/off” switch. Accepting myself means accepting these feelings as they are…….today. Nothing in life is permanent…..every moment I’m, and life, is changing. It’s only when I forget to recognize this that the painful feelings linger a little too long and I become negative.

    For anyone that is trying to make a big change in their life, or for anyone that is trying to stop a self-destructive behavior, you will KNOW when you KNOW and then the actions forward will start being made. Somedays my “story” has the victim theme running thru it…..but that story seems to hold less and less. I try to remember not to have regrets, because I truly KNOW that I always did exactly what I wanted, needed at the time. I was never a victim…….I was a volunteer.

    Hugs to u all….

    KK

    #59347
    inthebliss
    Participant

    Pardon my language in this post!
    I have just ended a relationship with the father of my unborn child because of emotional abuse, and I am feeling extraordinarily confused.

    I am interested to read these stories and see that many people struggle with this same issue. I find it difficult to label my partner a ‘narcissist’ or a ‘manipulator’ and at my lowest have found myself wondering ‘am I the toxic one?’ ‘am I the manipulator?’ And also through the haze I can see how in so many ways, I constructed this situation by myself – I allowed it to happen, I almost gave him the map for free – ‘here is how to take me for a ride’. I revealed all to him, and far too soon, and now I feel trapped (although I know I”m not, I will always be bonded to him through our baby).

    I find myself in a very painful situation with someone who claims to be ‘awakened’ and is very interested in the path of enlightenment and non-duality. However, I have seen over time that his words and actions do not match, and I hate to say it but I believe he uses these discourses as a cop-out to avoid any sort of commitment or true intimacy. I think to some degree I have been sucked in by this individual, believing them to be honourable and just, but have learned over the course of the relationship (and denied to myself) that in fact, it is a hollow mask concealing someone who is hurt and angry at the world. I am also guilty of pretending, because I did not leave when I began to think these things about him. Instead, I found myself berating myself for my ‘judgements’ and trying to practice compassion and so excusing the inexcusable, so much as to start believing it was my fault and that I deserved this. Apologising when he swore at me and attacked my character. At worse, I have succumbed to shouting and being insecure, questioning him and second-guessing him and not trusting him, and pretending outwardly that things are otherwise. The more unsure I felt about him, the more I tried to convince myself and him that this was ‘forever’…that we were meant to me. When I should have been saying ‘we need to be apart’ I found myself saying ‘lets get married’. Totally insane.

    I am in the second trimester of my pregnancy with his child.

    We recently went on a holiday that I paid for as a gift to both of us (a babymoon) and he behaved appallingly. His priority was drinking beer. Knowing that I couldn’t drink and wanted to join him because I like a glass of wine in the evening, he pressured me to drink. He then berated me for feeling guilty because I had a glass. I got upset in a bar and said I was tired and wanted to go home, and he laughed in my face and rolled his eyes at me. Later he got completely drunk and accused me of having something with some guy who ‘looked’ at me in the bar. He later got up in the night and urinated all over the room thinking he was in the toilet. I cleaned it up because he told me to fuck off and went to sleep in the other room when I tried to get him to help me. He apparently was asleep and had no memory this the next day. His response was to laugh at me. He thought this was funny. I saw some funny side to it, but I was hurt and frustrated. He later gave mixed messages about fidelity in the relationship and when I wanted to discuss it, swore at me, stormed out of the room and would not discuss it with me. He failed to comfort me when it made me cry. I took space from him the next week and felt better.

    It has ended this weekend because I had a mini-meltdown (Pregnant, exhaustion, very stressful day at work and an unfinished project hanging over me for a very long time). Initially he was sort of comforting telling me I was being too hard on myself, but it soon turned cold and nasty, with him swearing at me and turning his back and telling me I am ‘too F**ing needy’, and there is nothing that puts him off more than needy. To stop feeling sorry for myself. I was obviously hurt, and eventually he made it clear he wanted to me to go away, telling me to f** off, and he just wanted peace and quiet. I slept in the other room. I asked him where he was that evening and he got very cagey. So I started to pry which was wrong, and he slowly revealed the details of his evening, but reluctantly. I battled urges to check his phone. The next evening was worse again. Tears, and me sleeping in the other room. He said sorry for not handling the situation very well, but that he was tired. I told him I need extra support at the moment because I feel hormonal and upset with myself about my non-finishing. I said I was going to pregnancy yoga, as maybe I need support from other pregnant women and I am asking too much of him. I went in to apology mode as if I had done something wrong to him. That day he text me to ask what I was doing after work. I didn’t get a chance to reply straight away. I had already told him that morning anyway. He then said ‘Yoga. I’ll answer my own questions. Enjoy’. To which I responded ‘yes – and meeting my friend X after work, so I’ll see you at home later tonight’. He did not reply, and I later text him to say I hoped he was enjoying the sun. He responded in a language he knows I do not understand, so I did not reply. When I got home I found him asleep in the other room. I smiled and said hello, and he would not look at me. He seemed to have been drinking. I asked him why he was in the other room and he said ‘because it’s nicer in here’. So I retreated into bed. Fifteen minutes later he came in and asked me repeatedly and aggressively what I was talking to my friend about. I started to answer, but he persisted. Over and over, accusatory ‘what were you talking to her about?’ Then ‘you were probably talking about YOURSELF’. I started to explain myself but then realised he had no right to do this and told him to get out. The next morning he attacked me, calling me crazy and off my rocker. I stayed at my dads. The next evening I unfortunately came home after deciding I was going to tell him this relationship was not working for me but he started his accusations and twisted everything around, and so lost it with him. I said I wanted to end the relationship. He denied his behaviour and tried to blame me, and attacked me as a person verbally. Started ranting about me not telling him where I was (even though I text him the whole time to let him know my plans) Said I had to deal with my issues of abandonment (he is the one who was feeling abandoned). It descended into a shouting match and I showed myself to be just as bad as him, losing my cool and not letting him talk and being a bit incoherent and hysterical. He denied what he did, said that I was crazy, in fear, angry, full of anger, do not love myself, on and on and on it went. That I’m not well. I told him I was sick of being disrespected and wanted him to leave. I went to my dads and haven’t seen him since but I think getting him out of the house is going to be a battle.

    I look at this situation from afar and I can see he felt guilty for the way he spoke to me and then felt hurt that I stayed away and visited with friends (even though he told me I was wrecking his head and to fuck off) and was afraid what I was talking about (him, he thought) because he knew he was in the wrong. At so many junctures in this relationship he has shown me I am not important to him. His main concern is himself and what people think of him. At this time in my life, being pregnant with his baby, I had hoped for more love and care but it is absent, or very inconsistent at best. Like he resents having to care about me.

    I am now carrying his child and stuck in a situation where I have ended the relationship because I cannot tolerate the disrespect any longer. The trouble is I have done this twice before and taken him back, so I don’t think he believes it is really over. I am scared to see him again. When I told him that I was pregnant, we had just broken up. I gave him the option of not being together. I said we could do this apart if he preferred. He wanted to get back together. I did, and it has been a terrible mistake.

    Reading what I have written, I cannot believe I have taken this terrible behaviour from him for so long. I don’t understand why I have accepted this. It was almost like I got brainwashed into this ‘spirituality’ he claims to live by, feeling guilty for not accepting this treatment when I tried to stand up for myself.

    Be very very very careful of people who profess to be on a path of spirituality. Just because they are ‘seekers’ does not mean they are awake. Ask yourselves why you have allowed someone to treat you badly. I am still caught in a web in my mind of trying to blame him and focusing on what he has done to me (victimhood). I know this is not helpful, and I am trying my best to stay in the present moment and look at what is.

    I still feel like i love him, but I know that I cannot tolerate this treatment. He said I don’t love myself, but I feel like I am starting to a lot more, and leaving him reinforces that because why would someone stay with a person treating them like this?

    I hope I have done my child a favour by leaving this person.

    #59348
    enigma
    Participant

    Hi inthebliss,

    I just wanted to acknowledge your post. I can relate and I am sorry you are going through this. I have no advice for you, except to follow your heart. Good luck and God speed out of your abyss. =)

    #59402
    tinywanderlust
    Participant

    Hi inthebliss,

    It breaks my heart to read your story. Both because no one should have to go thru what you’re going through and because it sounds all too familiar for so many of us who have posted on here.

    Here’s one thing I know for sure– this is no longer just about you, this is about you AND your unborn child.

    As much as I hope that you stay away from this monster for the betterment of your own life, I especially hope you do so for the sake of your child. You need to be the best mom and person you can be for this baby and there’s no question you can’t be while in any kind of relationship with this man.

    Every time you consider going back, think of your baby. Ask yourself, “Is this really the kind of person I want my baby to be raised by? Is this really the example I want to set for this completely innocent little life?”

    You have a lot of control right now to move forward and do the right thing for both you and for your baby.

    I say this with all the love that a stranger could have– please stay away and do what’s best for you and that precious little one.

    Sending you positive thoughts and strong arms.

    #59425
    inthebliss
    Participant

    Thanks for your replies.

    I read this back and I see that the priority does seem to be the relationship as opposed to the pregnancy and baby that will join this world soon. I suppose the relationship feels more ‘immediate’ and I thought and hoped this was a journey we would continue together.
    I now see that the safest and best thing for baby and for me is to do this alone (or rather, without him).

    He called my father today and pretty much tried to get him ‘on side’ and convince him that I am unstable and unwell, going on about how I have done this before, and it’s comes out of nowhere, and I am ‘erratic’ (because he knows my dad has described me as erratic before). My dad played along and remained neutral. Nice to get confirmation of his manipulative tactics and see how transparent he is. Dad said not too much, other than he did not want to be involved, and told him that when I make my mind up, it is usually firm, and for a good reason – and that only he and I can know that reason. He also told him that right now my number one priority is that baby and our health. I found comfort in a lovely book about Buddhism and calm for motherhood.

    I have today given notice on the lease to my landlord, and taken back the control in my life. Will be viewing houses this week, and will make a quick decision to find a new place that is suitable for two (me and baby…not me and him!)

    I hope he can resolve whatever inner conflict he is going through but you are right, I really must focus on the life I am minding and growing in my belly right now, wow what an amazing and wonderful mystery that is.

    He used to say that the soul of the child chooses the mother, and wants to come into existence right at that point for whatever reason and that only that mother can bring that child into being. I’m just going to hold on to that thought and hope the rest of this pregnancy goes as smoothly as possible, and try to do my best by baby.

    Love. x

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by inthebliss.
    #63280
    jules11
    Participant

    Gosh, out of all of the words of encouragement I have received from friends and family, talking to myself and writing everything down, i came across these posts today and every single story has struck a chord with me. This is exactly what i needed to read to snap myself out of it!!
    Less than a week ago I moved out of our home – i had been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I have a daughter who is 13 (but she is not his – although he has taken her on as his own since we have been together). I have left him 4 times in the past, where i have moved out – the longest of which lasted 3 months, and it was when he was physically abusive. Since that incident, 3 years ago, he has never lifted a finger to me again but it something that constantly stays in the back of my mind.
    When i met him i was the most outgoing bubbly person in the world, confident and happy. I was successful in my career and received many accolades – he was all too happy for me as I was his trophy “wife” – someone he could brag about and show off, but he resented the hours that i worked and after a while i decided that i didn’t want to be working full days, nights, weekends and travel the amount that i did. I had toyed with the idea of starting up my own company and he encouraged me to go ahead with it. I effectively opened my own recruitment company, but it took a 6 months before i was making any profit. In the interim he paid all of the bills and kept the family going.
    He also owns a recruitment agency and we basically compete against each other as we handle the same type of recruitment – this may sound like it couldn’t possibly work – but it does – we have different clients and as much as we compete we also help each other – i.e i can use candidates that he doesn’t use and visa versa.
    Unfortunately the past two years have been very difficult financially and it has put a lot of strain on our relationship. At the beginning of this year I sold my car as we needed to pay rent which was in arrears and when we discussed it – mine was the older of the cars, his was still under motor plan etc and i had ultimately made the decision to sell mine. We agreed that we could get by with 1 car, as we both work from home and do minimal traveling.
    At the beginning of the year he got shingles and then encephalitis and he really was very sick. I basically took over everything, being mom, wife, his business, my business, the day to day running of everything in the household but as when you have too much on your plate things start slipping through the cracks, and i was battling for us to keep our heads above water. He had 3 quad bikes and a normal road bike which he sold. The reason i bring this up as it is one of the things that constantly gets thrown up in my face, his rationale is i sold 3 items of my property to help pay with bills but you only sold your car – by me selling my car i effectively gave up my freedom and my independence. Because i was using his car it was case of me having to say “Please can I use your car” or can i go to so and so – inevitably I would go wherever and pretty much as soon as i arrived he would phone me, saying what time do you think you will be back, leaving me feeling like i had to rush back.
    Although he professes not to be jealous or insecure – he very much is, and there is constant projection onto me, always blaming me and my insecurities – that is all i have heard for the last 7 years. Every single fight we have had boils down to him blaming me and my insecurities, i constantly have everything he has done for me thrown up in my face – during the course of our relationship he has bought all of the tangible stuff, furniture etc – I have paid the rental, our maid, bought groceries and paid for the intangible stuff. So as it stands i have walked out with nothing other than my clothes and a few odds and ends, as well as not having a car. I’m 35 and living at home again, literally starting from scratch.
    He also drinks a lot, i believe that he is an alcoholic, but the way he justifies it is that he only drinks cider and that he doesn’t start drinking early in the morning – its only evenings – my issue is that the norm is between 8-12 ciders. He goes from being happy to delusional in matter of hours. Between drink 3-5 i can have a conversation with him, after that i never know what i am going to get – he will take something that i say out of context and go off on a tangent or i will be told the same story over and over again. He will flip from “I love you” to “When you get your new boyfriend…” in a matter of seconds. He used to drink every night but after the incident when he hit me and i left he was only drinking every second day and on weekends.(That was his compromise)
    Leaving him has been a culmination of factors, his drinking being one of them, sleeping next to someone who constantly reeks of booze, constantly being criticised for everything that i do – if anyone has done something – he has done it better, if you have this – he has something bigger and better. I can put the washing machine on a cycle and no matter what it is, he will walk in and change the setting even though it the exact setting that he used the day before.
    Before i left, i tried explaining things to him, he simply take snippets out of what i am saying twists it and won’t actually listen to anything that i am saying – constantly shouting over me.
    We used to have really explosive fights in the beginning, but i wasn’t keeping quiet – my Dad then passed away and i realised i couldn’t sweat the small stuff anymore and let a lot of things slide, but i have now become this almost subservient person not saying anything when it upsets me.
    My daughter has really always been a gem, she has excelled in school and sport but has recently gone to high school and has started to rebel, like piercing her ear without our knowledge, dating a boy much older than her behind our backs etc – He was away when she pierced her ear and when i found out about it and i had a good chat to her – partly because she needs to realise that she is in the wrong and know that it is not acceptable to do things behind my back but by the same time ensuring that she still comes to me to tell me what is going on, as we were all teenagers at some point and all did silly things like pierce another hole, when he found out he went ballistic – accusing me of taking her behind his back to do it, the more i was trying to say i have handled it the more cross he got. Then he escalated it to sending her a message about her BBM picture saying she “looked like a slut as per usual” – when i looked at the picture there was honestly nothing wrong with it and then because i said there was nothing wrong he had a go at me, saying that we are constantly ganging up on him.
    I’ve just got to a point where i feel like I have completely lost myself, i don’t know what i like or dislike anymore.
    But i have found that over the past few days I am missing him, i find myself trying to find out what he’s been doing and who he’s been with, constantly checking my phone etc – i know that every time I have left he does make small changes but inevitably it goes back to being the same, so ladies – thank you for making me see that it is an never ending circle and reaffirming that i need to carry on with my life and hopefully one day soon I’ll be able to meet someone who treats me like a lady, has respect for me and my feelings and will treat me as an equal.

    #63297
    tinywanderlust
    Participant

    Hi Jules11–

    I’m glad this post helped you find some clarity. Honestly, just writing it and then seeing everyone’s responses really helped me, too. Especially from Enigma.

    It’s not an easy road getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship and although we may all be experiencing similar situations, oftentimes, the thing that keeps us going back (the root cause or causes) can be different. What I do know is that it’s a cycle that becomes addictive. And it is ultimately up to you to move past the addictive behavior in letting go. You will have days where you feel so strong and so yourself, and you will have days where you MISS THE LIFE out of them. But, you have to remember that what you’re missing, isn’t healthy and if you want a healthy, happy life, then that person doesn’t belong in it.

    Even after writing this post and being inspired by the responses, I still went back a couple of times, but each time I felt stronger than the last. The final straw came when he wanted to seek counseling together. I decided that perhaps seeing someone together might either help validate what I was experiencing so I could truly let go, or it could help guide us into a healthy direction. To me it would wind up being a win/win, and it was.

    My ex was even emotionally abusive to me IN THERAPY. To the point where the woman had a 1:1 with me and asked me a lot of very blatant questions like, “What is it about him that makes you feel happy?” and “What is it that makes you really want to be with this man?” She looked me right in the eye and said, “He is verbally abusive to you. Right here in front of me. If he ever wants to change, it’s going to be a very long road for him, and before that even happens, he has to want to, and he doesn’t appear to be there.” After a few years of dealing with this man, of writing a blog post, seeking personal therapy, talking to friends and family, reading books— that’s what did it for me. The validation of someone who watched it happen before her very own eyes.

    I haven’t looked back since then. I will admit I still have love in my heart for him as a human being, but I have no desire to have a future with him anymore. I, too, wonder about him sometimes. I feel bad for him sometimes. But, then I think about how damn happy and full my life is without him and the missing thoughts become fleeting.

    With that said, as soon as I felt truly moved on from wanting this man in my life, literally, like clockwork, the most amazing man has entered my life.

    Similar to Enigma’s story, except this new relationship is only a few months old.

    This man is kind, sensitive, yet confident in who he is as a person. He allows me to be me 110% of the time. He never makes me feel bad or guilty for anything. He’s extremely communicative, loving, patient, altruistic, passionate, romantic. He’s all the things a woman should find in a man. He openly shares his struggles and his flaws and allows me to share mine safely. He’s supportive and balanced. He’s consistent, every single day in his behavior. With my ex, the red flags were present very early on (first month). This man hasn’t given me any reason to believe he’s anything like my ex. In fact, he’s allowed me to share my experience with him and never once acted jealous. If anything, he’s taken on a protective role, but without being invasive, overbearing or possessive. He has proven to me that these amazing men, the kind of men we all deserve to find are out there.

    I feel like I’ve found the kind of man I had always hoped would be out there for me, but I am here to tell you- he didn’t come until I was truly moved on from my ex and until I had found love for myself again. It took me being back to a truly authentic self before this man came around.

    Work every single day on letting go, and spend your time getting back in touch with the real you that is still in there.

    #63347
    jules11
    Participant

    Hi tinywanderlust,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply – you actually cannot begin to imagine how thankful i am. When i wrote the post yesterday i thought – what has happened to the people who previously posted – are they ok? Are they back with their ex’s, have the ex’s woken up and realised what they have done or have the ladies moved forward? Enigma and your story was like reading chapters of my own.

    A few years ago we also went to therapy and before they guy had even met my ex he said do you really want to carry on with this? After having a joint session where my ex just took over everything the guy said he would like to see me on my own, and behold that was thrown up in my face when i left last week. It was – “do you see YOU have problems – the guy wanted to see you and YOU never went back – YOU have the problems – NOT ME!” I never went to see the guy again as after my ex had his rant in therapy he seemed to calm down and put effort in etc. It was as though he needed to just get off his chest what he needed to – to yet another outsider who was willing to listen.
    For a long time though, i’ve thought well maybe it is me – i’ve only really had 3 serious relationships and all 3 have failed – so maybe the common denominator is me??

    For me – there were lots of good times and when i miss him – that is all that i can seem to remember – but the bad always outweighed the good and like yours, the 1st time was also only a month into the relationship where i got a glimpse of the person he was.

    My problem is that I am hoping that he will just WAKE UP and go – damn this woman has been with me through thick and thin, look at what she does for me, look at what she has sacrificed for me and our family and look at how i have treated her, how i have spoken to her and how I am so sorry that have done it, but the truth is him being a narcissist (which he is) – he is NEVER going to.

    My other big problem is that there is still a lot of mine and my daughters stuff at the house, which i need to get and i know that when i go – he is going to have a go at me about how i have abandoned him, thrown away the relationship etc (because of my daughter – as he is telling everyone that will listen that she is the reason this has happened – which is not the case, yes she has added stress to an already fragile relationship and this last incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back – but she is not the cause of it). And possibly my biggest problem is that I have a Husky puppy who i love more than life itself – and he is still with my ex, he has agreed to keep him there until i can get on my feet and find a place – but i will have to have contact with him until then and that is going to be for at least the next few months. (My mom’s townhouse does’t permit animals otherwise i would have had him with me) – the contact is the biggest problem. As i wish i could just delete everything and close the book entirely.
    I’ve also just found out that he is going out on Friday night from mutual friends, and i already have a knot in my stomach – knowing that he is going to get completely hammered and more than likely pick up as many woman as possible and enviably take one of them home and i feel shattered about that. A friend of mine asked if i wanted to go out tonight and i declined but i think i need to phone her back and say i’m going to go!

    I am so glad that you have found someone new and that he treats you so well tinywanderlust – from your posts you absolutely deserve all the happiness in the world xx

    #90667
    happyendings
    Participant

    Me n my bf wer in relationship from last 8yrs. Initially he gave me all his attention and slowly it all faded. Then he was verbally abusive when he use to drink and started taking me for granted. When i use to meet my frnds he use to intentionally call me or ask me to meet him immediately. When i made plans to meet him by ditching my frnds he would go out with his friends. Soon I met a guy online on a site Who was intially only a good chat friend. He knew about my relationship. And whenevr my bf treated me like dirt i would chat with this chat frnd and then we started flirting, though we never met. This was 5yrs aftr our relationship. until one day when my bf accidentally went through my emails. That was worst phase of my life. He use to meet me and abuse me day and night. he started abusing me physically as well; i was taking all these because i was guilty and i thought i deserved it. Soon he forced me to alienate myself on social networking. No fb no wats app.and also i was not allowed to talk to any of friends (male or female). This physical abuse was reduced n stopped finally aftr 2yrs. But verbal abuse was n is still there. Especially when he is drunk. He said that i get drunk bcz i m alone n if you marry me i ll not drink.Like a fool i believed him and I got married to him this year, against our parents wishes. And for 2 months aftr marriage every thing was beautiful. He didn’t drink. But now he again started drinking And when i wanted to stop him and discuss this with him he started getting physically abusive. It has been only about 4 months of our marriage n he has already beaten me thrice. Frst time i was quite, 2nd time i called his family n went to live with them and both the times he didn’t regret wat he did and 3rd time was yesterday when he went away n was getting drunk from morning itself, so i went out with my mom n sister which he also saw and i talked to him about it n still when i came home he already scattered everything n throwed things at me, broke laptop n slapped me and was about to hang himself and asked me to leave and also has now threatened me of divorce and i am now living at my parent’s home. He behaves very nicely with me when he is sober. Loves me a lot and takes care of me but when is drunk n angry he creates drama. all these is happening in very frequently alteast once in every 15/20 days (also he is struggling with his job since last 5yrs, for which too he blames me and i have a good job and i have recently bought a house for us)
    i have not cried a single drop of tear after this incident.I know he will again come back and I am not sure wat i m suppose to do. wat i could do to make him stop doing all these And save our marriage or should i stop entertaining him.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by happyendings.
    #90670
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear happyendings:

    To save your marriage he has to stop drinking. I would separate myself from him, if I was you, move out and live away from him. Then I would meet him when he is sober for dinner in public, always in public or otherwise when OTHER people are around and always when he is sober and talk about how he is being sober every day, how long he has been sober, what he does to stay sober? Visit AA with him and see that indeed he attends AA a few times a week, that he talks to people there, that he has a sponsor. Talk to the sponsor, see that indeed he is involved. See that he works on the 12 steps with his sponsor, that he shares in the meeting. That he is working diligently on his sobriety. Basically meet him at AA, and never alone, never just you and him. Then after six months of his sobriety, when he get his six month chip from AA, then re-evaluate seeing him alone. Not before those six months. And that means no chance of getting pregnant in the next six months. You don’t want to bring an innocent child to be hurt by his violence, do you? I hope you don’t???

    anita

    #90684
    happyendings
    Participant

    Thanks anita,
    sorry but i am struggling to understand wat exactly AA is. I m from India. Is it available here? Even if it where should I find it. And moreover I don’t think he will actually visit such place or take treatment.Forget about taking treatment, I don’t think he is even regretting his actions. Whenever such things happen he will show as if what he did was right and would actually say that when he is sober too. That is because may be he wants to show that he doesn’t do what he did because he was drunk and he was very much in his senses. When I ask him was physical abuse needed? He would say he doesn’t remember beating me. Even after that he would still support his behaviour by saying that I shouldn’t have made him that angry and also say that when he is angry he is out of control. He is so good at playing with words and sometimes speaking illogical non sense that I have started giving up arguing with him. My dad was shocked by hearing that he was talking such extreme things like divorce, second marriage, committing suicide and asking me to leave the house on such small issues. And I know all his games by now and know that all of these he says because he only wants to blackmail me emotionally. When in our last fight he slapped me I said him to use his mouth instead of hands and in a fit of anger he started preparing to hang himself to the ceiling. I was worried and wanted to stop him but when I would go near he would threaten to hit me. That’s why I didn’t stop him. But then he actually didn’t commit suicide.Later he was telling me about his sudden realisation about how second marriage would be better than committing suicide and asked me to leave.Even I wanted to leave the house immediately because I was not interested in getting myself in a situation where drama is involved. I was with my mom and sister the whole evening and he was on purpose acusing me of cheating on him and asking me with whom I was, simply to make me angry and make me argue with him but I didn’t, instead I went for my things and left immediately. I think I did the best thing possible at that moment. He acuses me of ruining his life when actually he is the one who is ruining mine by doing all this just for the sake of showing that he is the incharge and this is what he is going to do when things are not running on his terms. Now he is asking me to leave my parents and in return he will give up on drinking. First when he thought what he did my friends knew he would ask me to stop talking with them as well and in return he would give up on drinking. I never did stop contacting my friends. He did all these to isolate me and to make sure no one apart from him is influencing my thought process. When I am out of my house for work or anything I have learned to put a smile on my face on make everyone belive that I am living the best life anyone could imagine, I make people around me laugh and create a light environment. Nobody knows how broken I was just a day before. May be even this helps me stay happy and not keep myself emotionally dependent on his actions. His mood swings would barely touch me when I around other people. And some who knows what I am going through feels sorry for me. Writing my story down here and getting some solution from you people would be great. After all atleast I would not regret telling my story here and would not have to worry about getting judged by actual people in my life.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by happyendings.
    #90693
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear happyendings:

    AA is Alcoholics Anonymous, started in the U.S., a huge organization to help alcoholics live a sober life.

    I am so sorry for your sad, sad life situation. It is very unfortunate.

    You must leave him. He is not only an alcoholic or one who drinks a lot and gets drunk but he is also abusive and … well, crazy. You should not live with him. He needs help. Not your help. You need help and to start with, you need to get away from him.

    i know there is a lot of judgment in India about such things, about breaking a marriage, but there must be an EXCEPTION for being married to a CRAZY man? His suicidal talk, hanging himself, beating you, telling you to leave… please do tell me that Indian society is okay with a woman NOT being subjected to such abuse… and I do hope Indian society is okay with NOT bringing innocent children into such a marriage-from-hell, to suffer a father like this…?

    Please, please do not have a child with him, no matter what.

    And please move away from him. Whatever it takes, even moving to another country- whatever it takes, save yourself!

    anita

    #90698
    happyendings
    Participant

    And also he had a troubled childhood. He was not much good at studies and always compared with his siblings and classmates by parents and was hit by parents for complaints from school or for not scoring great in exams. He then started hanging out with some a***oles from school who further spoiled him and taught him bad habits one of which is drinking alcohol. They were bullies of the school I guess. And at the age of 31 he is still friends with those as**oles and says that he misses school days. His parents and sibilings use to hit him and he grew up habitual of getting beaten. His mother died of some heart problem 10years back. He always compares me to his mom says that his mother was the only person who truly loved and cared for him no one can take her place. And his sister was once telling me that they all consider him as one of the reasons for her death. I sometimes feel sad and sympathetic towards him and otherwise when we are on good terms I always pamper him and make him feel loved and wanted and he reciprocates the same. But all I remember now is his blood red eyes filled with anger and hatred for me,Hitting and abusing me verbally and blackmailing me; And I also know that soon he will call me and ask me to stay with him and soon even I ll try to forget all what he did to me and try to start afresh. He would apologies for his actions and promise of not repeating his actions. But this isn’t working. I have given lot of chances to him already and I guess he doesn’t deserve it. This has become a vicious cycle.

    #90700
    happyendings
    Participant

    His and my dad both are saying not to stay with him. When he came to know that I called his dad and told him about what happened he warned me of not involving his dad or I ll have to face consequences. I am not planning to have child with him. And my family is very supportive. My parents are letting me stay with them as long as I want. And yes I fortunately I have another house of my own too. But staying there alone can be dangerous if he continues behaving this way.
    I am very thankful to you Anita for being help and suggesting me on this issue.

    #90703
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear happyendings:

    Of course he had a terrible childhood. A person does not behave like he does following a good childhood. About his mother and him seeing his mother in you: he probably loved her and hated her at the same time. As he does you…

    If you stay with him or go back to him, you will suffer and… he will NOT get better. Good times will continue to be the short breaks in between the bad times. You will be beaten again, and it could get worse.

    Every abusive person was once abused. Or most, almost all, if not all. There is nothing surprising or unusual about an abusive person having been abused as a child.

    At times you look at him and you SEE the hurt child inside him, don’t you? And when you do, your heart melt and all you want is to rescue him from his pain? To be the loving person he never had…?

    Even the cruelest person in the world, the most evil, sometimes, looks like a hurt little child.

    Because underneath any person that hurts others is a hurt little child.

    And you cannot help that child in him. Save yourself with everything you have. Get away from him.

    because the pattern of abuse between you and him is already established, it will remain so for the two of you. the only way for your own good- and his own- is for you to leave.

    anita

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