Dear Anita, thank you for your answer

When he was treating that he will punished him self if I dont answer the question, I was terrified. My brain bloced every negative thing.I wasnt aware what I went trough, until I started reading my notes. When he changed I am talking about behaviour change,he become aggressive, depressed, moode swings. He wasnt happy. He said one day, Why dont you leave me? I was like: I dont wanna. I love you. And he: I would like you to leave me. That would make everything simplier. He said that he dont wanna move-in with me, even thou we were working on the flat. That was such stress on me, that the next day I got a temperature, I got sick because of my feelings that I haved. I was crying on regular basis. I could not talk to him anymore, everything was my fault.
After I called off my engagment, I was looking on the internet about abusive relationships and I found him in them.
I found the pattern. He even threaten one boy,because we go on UNI together. He was so jealous.
One night when we were going home from the concert, that I organized for him. He loved the band. He got drunk and start talking that we are breaking up. And he is breaking up with me, now. I was quiet all the time. And at one point he started jelling and grabbed me. I said it hurts,so he let go. I did defend everything that he would do, or say to me. Like I deseved it. He didnt mean that. Like i deserved to be punished, because I didnt delete the screenshoot.
After I read this forum, I am glad that I called thing off. I am so glad that I found this forum, because I can finally said what happened. I even talked with my mum to go to the doctor. I didnt tell her everything, what happened. She only knows when I was crying,because she saw me.
But I am kinda addicted to him. Its strange victim-rapist thing. After our breakup, we did talk, send messages and on one message he wrote: if you sleep with someone it would not be special anymore. Like I would be a wh–e.
Now I have mixed feeling of anger and love,and a little fear.
So, how to move on? How to star trusting men again? After our breakup, I could not looked any men in the eyes. I was really embaresses. I started to loose weight,after everything that happened. I was anorexin in the past. I mean I eat everything, but my head and emotions are eating me.
Also, I supposed you heard of LOA. I know that I should forget about this bad things, but how to deal with it when somebody askes you? Like what would you say to your “future boyfriend” about you ex? I dont wanna make mistakes

BIG THANK YOU <3, after writing this I feel better and a little bit more angry because I allowed this to happend to me.
Before him, to every boy I said NO and to him I said YES we can date, and this happend.
Thank you for your support
Hug

Dear xoxoxo:

It is very difficult when you are emotionally attached to an unhealthy man who is abusive. You know you should stay away but your desire is to reconnect with him. It is like being attached to anything that is bad for you, from drugs to gambling to… cake and more cake.

This is why it is a good idea that you read your diary, to remind yourself that he was, unfortunately, abusive and that if you go back to him, you will again be abused. It is good that you remind yourself of the abuse and the misery you suffered, so that you will not get back with him for more suffering.

And post here when you need a reminder that your desire to be with him again should not be accommodated, for your own good.

Regarding trusting other men in the future, before you trust another man, it is very important to get to know him first, as a friend. So make a friend first, before getting emotionally invested, evaluate the future man to determine IF he is trustworthy. And trust him only if he is indeed trustworthy!

Take care of yourself—

anita

Dear xoxoxo:

Thank you. And you are welcome. I agree with your decision to move on. A lot of women (and men) fall into this trap: a woman gets involved with a man who needs saving, so that he will be saved and then he will take care of the woman. You put it in your words: “I can save him from his life, and he can be there for me.”

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like it: this kind of saving requires the man saving himself. The woman can help but the work has to be the man’s.

I suppose when he shared with you very personal things on the second date, you thought he was opening up to you as his savior and that made you feel very special. But I am guessing he shared so soon because he was troubled, and that could have given you the information: this man is troubled; probably not a good pick for a healthy relationship.

Please do post again anytime as you endure the strong pull of emotional attachment and move on.

anita

Dear xoxoxo:

In a previous post to me you wrote: “Also, I supposed you heard of LOA.”- I don’t know what “LOA” is: what is it?

I re-read your posts here, on this thread. I am not clear about how your ex boyfriend was abusive to you, the nature of his changing into an abusive man. Can you detail his abusive behavior? Be as clear as you can, just tell me what he said and did that was abusive (without how you felt about it)?

anita

Dear xoxoxo:

LOA- yes, I know the term. Regarding his abuse of you, what I gather is that he called you something like “stupid”- yes, this is abusive. I understand he was sexually aggressive with you one time, and if you resisted him that one time, expressed your discomfort with what he was doing and he kept doing it, that was abusive as well.

Other than that, I am not aware of more abuse by him. The “dealer”- I don’t know what it means. I asked you to detail his abuse of you without your feelings so to get clarity but you did add your feelings. This makes it unclear to me. I was unclear about your posts to begin with for this very reason: the fact that you feel hurt by someone’s behavior does not automatically means they did something wrong.

It is a process to figure out what wrong doing another is responsible for and what only feels wrong.

When your ex boyfriend called you something like “stupid” in front of your parents, how did your parents react to him calling you that?

anita

Dear xoxoxo:

Well, you didn’t deserve him calling you “stupid” or abusing you in any other way. it was not your fault that he behaved that way. Your parents told you to tell him to stop using that word. You told him to stop and he didn’t stop. This is all I need to know that you did the right thing to end this relationship.

To avoid the LOA as you called it, learn who the guy is next time before you get too emotionally involved. Know him over time, see how he treats you, that he doesn’t call you names, that he doesn’t force anything on you, that he respects you- over time. Then slowly, as slowly as you can, get closer to him.

In other words, make sure the guy is safe for you before you get so close that you can get hurt.

anita

You are welcome, xoxoxo. Post anytime.
anita

Hey Sugarhut,

It’s usual to make your own thread if you want help with an issue, but I’ll answer on here anyway. If you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s important to know who your allies are as you plan your escape. You are planning your escape, ok? And you’re now working on what you need to do to prepare to make it stick this time.

Who have you got around you that you can talk to? Who knows about the situation? Who could you turn to for help?

Copy your post into a new thread, and let us know who’s on your side in this.