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Is a relationship possible with anxiety?

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  • This topic has 7 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • November 12, 2016 at 12:53 pm #120197
    Serene
    Participant

    I met someone earlier this year and we clicked. She was reluctant to go on a date at first, telling me she has struggled with depression/anxiety in the past. But, we went out, got on really well and started dating. After 6 weeks she had a panic attack and broke it off, I was confused and upset, but knew this was a possibility. After a few weeks, she felt better in herself and asked to start over which we did. 4 weeks later and another panic attack and she has ended it again.

    She is going to see a therapist, I hate not being in contact, but I am respecting her saying she can’t deal with a relationship. I’m stuck in limbo, I don’t want to be with anyone else, but am I kidding myself that somewhere down the line we may be able to try again? It’s so early on in our relationship I feel crazy even thinking this, but sometimes you click with someone and you don’t want to walk away. Do I face the fact this was a non starter? I’m going round in circles trying to move on, but not wanting to. Any advice from people who have experienced this gratefully received.

    November 12, 2016 at 1:17 pm #120198
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear serenesunshine:

    For some women suffering anxiety and depression, being in a relationship with a decent man, and I am assuming you are, can be a comforting thing, something that is likely to discourage panic attacks, or when experiencing panic attacks the woman my reach out to you, her boyfriend, for comfort. In this case her panic attacks lead her to break off the relationship. I am assuming, again, that her anxiety is about being trapped in a relationship, or it is about being abandoned and rejected the moment she relaxes into it.

    Did you talk about her particular anxiety- the origin, her childhood, what scares her…?

    anita

    November 12, 2016 at 1:34 pm #120201
    Serene
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for replying. We are both female, not sure this makes a difference? We did talk about her anxiety, she has had similar feelings in previous relationships, but coupled with other issues with the relationship. I think her anxiety is a result of a number of factors, parents, self doubt, guilt and experiences of homophobia.

    Thinking about it now, we talked about a lot of things, but not what scared her in particular, she did say she struggled to believe someone could love her as she is. She propelled the relationship forward much quicker than I would have, at times I felt it was too fast, but was equally caught up in the moment.

    I felt I was understanding, kind, available, I tried to listen and not judge and reassured her. But this wasn’t enough. She said she can’t cope being in a relationship, so we are not in touch but I feel like I’ve walked away when I don’t want to.

    November 12, 2016 at 3:15 pm #120206
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear serenesunshine:

    You are welcome. No, it doesn’t matter that you are two females, not to me. But it may have mattered to her (you wrote that her anxiety might have been partly as a result of homophobia). You wrote that you talked about many things but not about what scared her. People do avoid talking about fear, of course. It could have helped to talk about it, in small portions, gently.

    She could have been afraid to be seen by you as she is, believing she is unlovable. Maybe she moved so fast in the relationship so that you don’t see her in the fast pace she was keeping (can’t see the details of a fast-moving object). Maybe she wanted to enjoy as much as possible of something she believed would end too soon.

    Did she tell you that she needs No Contact with you while she attends therapy? It could have been a good idea to bring you along to her therapy session and continue the relationship- an invaluable opportunity for her, with your cooperation and the guidance of a competent therapist, to work on and heal her (emotional) injuries.

    anita

    November 13, 2016 at 2:53 am #120232
    Serene
    Participant

    She told me the only way she could feel like she could cope with how she was feeling was to not be in a relationship, with me and that being ‘just friends’ felt wrong so we would keep in touch, but not be in contact. I have read that going through therapy together is an option, but it feels too soon in the relationship and I think there are things she needs to work through on her own first. I want to get in touch, see how she is doing, but I don’t want to make things worse. As I said, I am stuck in limbo, waiting to see if she comes back and hoping she will, but torn, thinking I need to loom after me and move on… hence my question about if it is actually possible to have a relationship if you have anxiety, and relationships are the cause of your anxiety?

    November 13, 2016 at 6:14 am #120247
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sereneshunshine:

    Your question then “Is it actually possible to have a relationship if you have anxiety, and relationships are the cause of your anxiety?”

    My answer: No. Fear is the most powerful emotion there is. When danger is perceived, an animal will abandon anything and everything it is doing (eating, mating, playing, resting…) and will 100% attend to the source of danger. Same with the woman you are referring to. She feels fear, she focuses on it and makes (in this case) her Flight: “she had a panic attack and broke it off… 4 weeks later and another panic attack and she has ended it again”.

    My advice is to not wait for her. However much love you can have for her, patience and time… you are no match to the power of Fear-Flight dynamic, well established in our nature.

    anita

    November 14, 2016 at 11:52 am #120384
    Serene
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice Anita, and for taking the time to reply. It is good to have advice from someone who understands the situation. I knew the answer, but needed someone else to confirm what I felt was the right thing to do.

    Serene

    November 14, 2016 at 12:31 pm #120395
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Serene. Anytime you’d like, do post again.
    anita

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