Home→Forums→Relationships→Is getting a divorce the best option for me?
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Anonymous.
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September 7, 2016 at 1:09 am #114448
AnnieParticipantHi.
Last December I married the man I thought was the love of my life. We just had a baby a month before and all the problems we use to have I thought came from the hormones and the pregnancy. Adding to those issues, he was trying to pass his final exams to become a lawyer, so he was pretty stressed. I tried to be understanding and not complain too much.
Now, my baby is ten months old but my husband and me keep fighting constantly (even when the baby is around, something I use to experience as a child and when I was pregnant I made him swear we would never do).
I do not know what to do. I’ve tried to explain to him how important it’s to me trying to talk things over instead of fighting, not rising our voices, …
I’ve told him I love him hundreds of times, but also I’ve told him I love our baby even more and if he keeps behaving this way he will make me have to choose. He thinks I’m threatening him, but I’m being honest. I don’t want a divorce; I didn’t want to get married in the first place because of the risk of divorce, but everyday I feel I have no other choice.
What shall I do?
Thank you in advance.September 7, 2016 at 3:22 am #114449
AnonymousInactiveHi there, questionmark.
Several things about your situation aren’t quite clear to me, so it’s difficult to offer advice. I’ll ask some questions instead. Hope you come back and explain a little more about what’s going on.
When you fight, are you fighting, or is he shouting at you? It takes two to fight, but you talk about his behaviour as if it’s all of the problem. So, which is it?
You didn’t want to get married, but you did. What led you to choose that?
What is it you fight about? Small, domestic stuff? Expectations around your roles in the household? Who’s the boss type stuff? How will we live our future stuff? Money?
How does he feel about the situation, and if he’s not happy, what does he propose to avoid you guys splitting up?
September 7, 2016 at 3:44 am #114452AnnieParticipantHi monklet80,
First of all let me explain a little more about myself. I’m a 31 yo woman with a borderline disorder. I’ve been under treatment since I was 18 yo. I don’t use to tell this because I’ve experienced the reaction of some people blaming me because “I’m the crazy one”. What people don’t know is that leaving with a condition makes you learn tricks to avoid sharing the darkest parts of it with the ones you love (I tell them but I don’t make them “pay”, if you know what I mean).
So, when we fight he shouts and, as I know myself and also know how can a fight end if I intervene, I shut my mouth until I feel comfortable enough to talk without fighting (he knows why I do that. I’ve explained him the reasons).
The main reason I got married was love and the thought that if I became worse I wanted him to have the final word about me and my baby.
We fight about almost everything. Small domestic stuff, money, each other’s families, routines, the fact that I, sometimes, feel more like a mother than a wife to him, the fact that I have to teach him everything, find him everything, has no initiative in house working, procrastinating, and so on.
He’s no happy at all about this situation, but he only remembers it after a fight. Then he says he’s sorry, he wants to change, he’s doing his best. But in the end, everything stays the same.September 7, 2016 at 4:43 am #114457AnonymousInactiveThis sounds like a bad situation. You say you don’t really want a divorce, and it’s been less than a year so I want to tell you to stick with it a while, but it’s clear something needs to change.
Have you discussed trying a couples counselling type thing? Or some kind of anger management for him?
September 7, 2016 at 8:55 am #114486AnonymousGuestDear questionmark:
You mentioned “a borderline disorder”- do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder?
This is my input so far: the screaming, the hostility around your baby has to stop. If the hostility around the baby continues, it will harm your baby. The hostility, raised voices will become reality in between his ears, and a life of distress begins for him.
Whatever choice is congruent with your child’s well being, please do make that choice: be it continuing the marriage or separating.
If you were diagnosed with BPD, it is not necessarily a lifetime condition. It is a combination of symptoms stemming from a core issue, and that core issue (from childhood, most likely) can be healed to a great extent. I can share more about this point if you’d like.
And just because you were diagnosed with this or that disorder (an identified combination of symptoms at the time of diagnosis)- does not mean your husband is not displaying a combination of symptoms of his own, suffering from a core issue himself.
anita
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