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Is he distant or am I overthinking

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #326387

    Sarah
    Participant

    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months now and we established that we are exclusive. We have been seeing each other about 2 times a week and everything has been going well but we slept together 2 weeks ago. I felt like it was very early but he reassured me that nothing has changed. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He has always been bringing up my history even though I’ve only slept with 2 guys and he has slept with many women. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I last saw him 3 days ago and he kept bringing up my past again and somehow the conversation shifted and I ended up opening up about my childhood sexual abuse and I started crying a bit. He was quiet but he kept insisting to know who did it but I refused to tell him and the conversation ended. I was also having family problems at this time and he asked me about it and I opened up a bit about what’s going on. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Since then, he hasn’t intimidated any conversations however he does send me snapchats. I have messaged him first for the past 2 days but he replies late and was very dry and didn’t carry the conversation on. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>(Our conversations are usually short and he is dry on text but does manage to keep the conversation going). He usually calls me everyday even if it’s for 5 minutes to catch up but he hasn’t been doing that either. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Am I overthinking this situation or does he seem to be distant? I have a feeling that he is turned off after finding out about my childhood and he’s even more turned off because of the family problems. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Should I message him today or just see how the next few days go? </span></p>

    #326457

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarah:

    You have a boyfriend whom you’ve been dating for two months, exclusivity established and you slept together two weeks ago. You felt “like it was very early”. He slept with many women before you and you slept with two guys before him, but he keeps bringing up those two guys. Three days ago, you told him about your childhood sexual abuse and cried a bit. He “kept insisting to know who did it”, you didn’t tell him and the conversation ended. Since then he doesn’t call you every day anymore, “he replies late and was very dry”, which is his usual way, but in addition to it, he didn’t keep the conversation going, which is not his usual way.

    “Am I overthinking this situation or does he seem to be distant?” –

    – reads to me that he has issues from before the time you met him, anger and jealousy at women for having had previous relationships. Maybe his mother had an affair on his father (a wild guess on my part) and he empathized with his father. Whatever it is, he brought this anger and jealousy to this new relationship with you.

    When you told him about your past sexual abuse, he was focused on.. his anger, his jealousy, as if the person who sexually abused you was one of his competitors, like the guys you dated before him. This is not good, it means he is invested in his unresolved anger and jealousy and is not  empathetic toward you. Reads like he has been distant from you since you told him.

    Do you know anything about his family history, the background behind his anger and jealousy?

    anita

    #326651

    Sarah
    Participant

    Yeah that’s correct. Sorry my post was a bit messy. I know that his family seem happy and his parents have a good relationship. I have no idea why he is so angry and jealous. He’s got the mentality that a girl who has had sex is a hoe if it wasn’t in a long term relationship. (I was in a long term relationship with my first partner and my second one led me on and made me believe we were something until he slept with me and left).
    It’s been 5 days and he hasn’t called me at all. He messaged me goodmorning yesterday but put no effort to carry on the conversation after 2 more messages where I asked him how he was and what he’s doing.
    It’s all small talk and no real conversations. Atleast when he called me it was proper conversations but now it’s literally nothing

    #326675

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarah:

    “his family seem happy and his parents have a good relationship”- appearances are often deceiving and you don’t know his parents personally, if at all, to determine if they have a good relationship.

    Here is something you do know for sure, and it is consistent with his behavior: “He’s got the mentality that a girl who has had sex is a hoe if it wasn’t in a long relationship”-

    -but he wanted to have sex with you a month and a half into a very new relationship, having seen you about twice a week during that month and a half (if I understand correctly), that is, after seeing you about a dozen times only. I bet he didn’t tell you: if you have sex with me, you’re a hoe”, did he?

    Not having said that, he withheld information from you that if you knew, you wouldn’t have had sex with him. There is a deceit right there. As men with this mentality often do, he too deceived you for the purpose of having sex with you, and then he holds it against you as evidence that you are .. that word, hoe.

    Next, I suppose, he figures: I am not getting into a serious relationship with (that word), I am moving on (to another .. that word, or if a woman refuses him long enough and is very pretty or whatnot, and never had sex before, maybe she will be the one, the pure woman for him to marry.. and then cheat on her with women he refer to as .. that word).

    From having read your short posts, reads to me that you bought into this indecent man’s mentality, feeling like you have to apologize for having had sex before him or with him. Maybe this is why you told him about your childhood sexual abuse, to excuse the fact that you had sex before?

    But my goodness, what makes him authority to determine what is a good woman vs a bad woman, over what is decent and what is not- he himself is not a decent person! You don’t need to prove anything to him!

    You deserve a decent man, not that… man-hoe, I suppose you can call him.

    anita

     

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