Is he using me or am I just over thinking?

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    Please excuse my bad grammar.

    I really don’t know where to start because I’m kinda confused right now so guess I’ll try starting at the beginning. So a few weeks ago I received a friend request on fb from a guy I’ve known all my life yet never exchanged a word with each other so I was a bit surprised and was even more surprised when he asked for my number. After giving him my number he sent a message saying that he liked me for a while but didn’t get a chance to say it. Well I was shocked. He asked if I would give him a chance I told him I don’t know but it seemed he expected an answer immediately. He asked again a while after and I told him I don’t think I would give him a chance, he said we can be friends then but I knew immediately he wasn’t gonna stop trying. I was at my sister at the time and he kept asking when I’m coming home or when can he see me. He still wanted to know if I can give him a chance and this time I was wondering if I should just give him a chance because not a lot of guys show interest in me anyway. Ok so we didn’t communicate for a few days then I went home, still didn’t know what to think. I saw him the next week when I was on my way back from doing my hair we talked for a few minutes and he asked if he can see me at my home later that day. I didn’t want to seem stuck up so I said yes. We texted and agreed on what time to meet. Ok so what I was expecting on our meeting was just conversations and probably my first kiss (I’m 23 BTW). We met after 8 PM. I could smell alcohol on his breath. After a brief conversion he asked about a bf. I told him i didn’t have one but whether I did or not wouldn’t matter to him his next question was if I’ve had sex before I said no then he went on to ask if I’d let him have sex with me, I said I don’t know. He came on to me and started hugging me and touching me I was a bit uncomfortable and was in shock then I tried to pull away when I realized what was going on he didn’t want to stop even though I said no so many times. He kept touching me all over in places I’ve never allowed anyone to touch me before and he let me do the same to him. I didn’t really want to do it but I didn’t want to seem stuck up and since he’s close friends with my brothers and both our dads are close friends I just assumed he would never try to hurt me but he tried to get me to have sex with him for my first time right there in the open and when I wasn’t even prepared. I heard a relative calling me. Finally a good excuse for me to leave. I finally pulled away for good and while I was leaving he told me not to let the relative know that he was the one there.

    The next day he sent a message thanking me for the night before. I just replied with “ok” but at the time I was thinking that what happened was sexual assault. Then the next day he sent a text saying he’s sorry and I told him that I thought it was wrong of him. He said “ok then” and asked if I think we should stop seeing each other I told him it would probably be best. He didn’t get it he wanted to see me again the next so I made excuses to not see him and I went back to my sister’s place. He kept asking when I’m coming back home. I was so annoyed by this he knew I was annoyed and he removed me from fb then said it was by mistake and sent the friend request again. I never believed him.  He beg me to let him come see me at my sister’s place so I said yes I knew he wanted to have sex so I agreed to do it since I didn’t want him to try forcing himself onto me again.

    So the next day he came there and like less than 15 minutes after we were having sex. He didn’t do much to get me in the mood, he didn’t even kiss me. After we were done he asked if I enjoyed it. I said it was ok but painful. He was on his phone watching videos for most of the time after that. We agreed to do it again but didn’t bother since I was bleeding. Well I wanted him to leave before my sister came back from work but it didn’t work out that way. She saw him there and didn’t talk to me for almost two days and I felt depressed even though she said she was over it.

    I was thinking about the situation for days and was worried about the fact that I could become pregnant, contract an STD, ruined my relationship with my sister and because I may have lost my virginity to a guy that probably just want to use me for sex. Anyway, he’s still asking when I’m coming home and sometimes he come off as a bit controlling and demanding in receiving answers from me. I know everything might be my fault and I’ve always seen myself as a weak person. Maybe he did too and saw me as someone he could easily manipulate. I’m a bit confused right now so help me please.

    I’m sorry if my rant is difficult to understand.


    Dear Jan,


    sorry to hear that your first sexual experiences have happened like this. It is for sure that he does not have any true feelings for you and is just using you.


    Your experience with boys is minimal (you had not kissed with anyone before him) so now you are in a new situation, starting to have relationships.  You deserve to have a boy in your life, who wants to know you as a person and likes you a lot and you can feel his respect. With this boy everything has gone wrong. I suggest that you stop communicating and seeing him. You deserve so much better than this!




    Someone may suggest that you need to think about your childhood and all the ways your parents neglected you and get some therapy. There is no need for that because you are not broken. You are just a girl with little experience from relationships. What you could do is talk with some friends who have experience of loving relationships with boys. Then you realize what kind of indegrienses healthy and loving relationships have. You will be fine! 🙂


    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Susannah.

    Dear Jan:

    I hope you feel better soon, that you don’t have an STD and are not pregnant. I also hope your confusion clears and that you will learn something important from this unfortunate experience.

    You allowed him to touch you sexually the first time because you didn’t want to appear stuck up. As he touched you sexually, you said “no” but he kept at it. You figured it was a sexual assault. But next, you  agreed to have sex with him so that he doesn’t force himself on you like he did earlier.

    These are the wrong reasons to have sex with a man.

    Please, never again have sex with him or anyone for these reasons.

    As to your question: “Is he using me?” – yes, he used you for sex, no doubt.

    Back to the reasons to have sex with a man. The above are the Wrong reasons. Can you think of a Right reason to have sex with a man?



    Dear Jan,

    You already know the answer to your question. We feel being used when we are being used. What has happened is happened and is in the past. You can’t change it but you can prevent it from happening again.

    Your family should be the one to protect you in these situations. See why your sister is annoyed. Talk to her, aren’t you close with her? tell her you are sorry and you need her help. If you don’t trust family with this information then tell a friend who will understand it. Alone you can’t fight or resist him….if you could this would not have happened in first place.

    You need a good company to guide you. Recognise your weakness and you will overcome it. If no one is there for you believe me “I am here, we are here”.

    Always use protection. NO matter what.

    In the end.. Dear….wait for love… will know it when you are loved….and love without sex will ruin it.

    Best of luck


    Dearest Jan,

    i am so sorry this has happened to you but you can overcome. My heartfelt advice is to block his number from your phone and Facebook   Do not allow any contact with him for any reason. No matter what. I am very saddened to tell you that what happened, in my opinion was sexual assault. Hold your head up with dignity and wait for loving intimacy. Listen to your intuition young woman. You will know the different.

    I wish for you light and love,



    I know its been almost two years but I never got to thank you guys. I no longer have contact with him and he doesn’t bother me anymore. Thank you.


    Dear Jan:

    How kind of you to return so to say thank you! You are welcome. I am glad you don’t have any contact with him. Please feel free to post anytime, here or on a new thread.


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