Is it a relationship ? What am I supposed to do? -or not!

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    Hi everyone!
    So here is the story
    I met this boy in March 2019. He introduced me to his mom and little brother and sister, and I met his friends a few times for a BBQ, or ice skating afternoon, everything was great. So the time passes a bit. We were having a relationship as a couple (for me) even if we never talked about “what we were”.We never fight or argue about anything, it was just fun and good moments.

    Then I had to leave in August -still 2019-, I told him that my plan was to come back in January 2020 to work in London and he seems happy about it
    So meanwhile, I went to Italy for my work,
    Then the troubles started to arrive. He suddenly stopped answering my messages for three days. At this moment I had left London for a month.
    He called me one morning and told me that he was going to jail, he has been found with a knife in his car. (He never hurt anybody, but he leaves in a part of London who is not really safe and so keep a knife in his car.)

    He was not proud at all and seems very scared to see my reaction. We have only changed a few SMS causes he was going the day after in prison and had a lot of things to do before.
    He asked me not to forget about him and then that’s it.
    He “only” spent four months in jail. So I lived my life in Italy while he was in prison. He never called me, but I had news, thanks to his cousin that he sometimes had to the phone.
    And in December he texted me when he went out. The first days were tough. I couldn’t reach him on the phone and I had so many questions for him.After three days with just avoided messages,
    I told me that I was fed up with this situation and he better have to tell me if just was not interested anymore or if the things were too complicated for him at the moment.

    He immediately called me and I learned a bit of the situation:
    When he came back from jail, a friend of his mom had taken is bedroom for other reasons and he had to sleep with his two little brothers.
    He was on bad terms with his mom,
    Then his baby’s mom, (a 1yo baby boy),became a bit crazy and didn’t want him to see his baby anymore, then she kept changing her mind ect

    I understood it was a lot to deal with and the way he explained, He was just in a bad mood. He made some efforts to send SMS (even if I know his not a phone person, he doesn’t have any social media or anything, iPhone or computer or anything else)
    Then I found a room in London so I came back two weeks ago.When I told me he was very happy and told me that it would definitely cheer him up to see me again.

    But by the time I arrived (two weeks) he had some other problems. He had rented a car as he didn’t have his own car since he has been to jail. But had an accident with the car who is now dead, and he owns a very big sum of money to the owner. He doesn’t have any job at the moment, so the situation is very stressful for him.Her mother learned it and kicked him out of the house, so he has to sleep in a friend’s house now.

    I saw him the day after I arrived, we went to his « house », his mom seemed to be happy to see me, we talked a bit, it was so good to see him, things are just natural between us, it was like before.
    I saw his phone who is in terrible conditions -which also cause trouble, so speak to each others-

    We went out on the following Saturday with his friends, but even there it wasn’t peaceful, we had to book a taxi to join them and he had lost his phone in the cab and only found it back at the end of the evening, so he didn’t enjoy the time with me and his friends

    Then I felt the need to know everything. So I told him the famous sentence « we need to talk ». Which we did.
    He said he was in a very stressful situation, and he doesn’t know not to handle it, he doesn’t want to bring me down with him.

    he told me that for him, we were not in a relationship YET, but he definitely liked me and want to do something serious with me. The problem is only what is happening to him now. I asked me if it would be simpler for him to stop everything between us and start again when he would have sorted everything but he immediately said it is not what he wants.

    He added that when he is not talking to me it is not because he is having fun with his friends, but because he is trying to sort all of his problems. He also said that there were other things I didn’t really know, so I’m thinking he has other problems, but he doesn’t really seems to want to open up about it.

    During this discussion he was very open about the rest, and helping me to tell everything I needed to say -I’m not good at talking in serious conversations-.

    So we just laughed a bit about other things and then I had to go, we kissed and said goodbye, so we left in good terms!

    But that, was on Tuesday and the only news I have had since, was Friday, just a message to know how I was going,

    I know this day was a very busy day for him as it was the first birthday of his son!
    So I was happy to get a message on this day.
    But no answers to my reply after that.

    Not from the whole weekend, which are usually the days we go out, see each other’s. I had planned to not send any messages to see what will happen. And also because I don’t want to be the very « heavy girl » who always send messages.
    i know it’s hard to see him cause we don’t live in the same city so He need to take is bike under this awful London weather to see me or to go everywhere else and he’s sick of it. But some messages don’t seems to much to ask for me.
    I think he is sincere and not paying me, -tell me if I’m wrong-

    But in what kind of relationship are we? Cause he told me that when he is with me he can forget a bit is problems and smile, and feel good, he kept telling his mom that I was coming back and he told me he had never introduce a girl to his friends before, Which make me think he really likes me and since he doesn’t want to stop anything I see it as: we are a couple and I need to help him going through all of this.
    But it seems he doesn’t see it like that,
    He his important to me, I think he is a good person and I want to keep him in my life cause I think we could do something great together, but now I am lost.
    What I don’t understand, is how suppose I to act now?

    End of the 129748264 lines,
    Thank you for taking the time to read, please tell me what you think !

    • This topic was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by tinybuddha.

    Dear Pauline:

    I don’t think that he can be in a solid intimate relationship with you even if he wanted to. He is quite aware that he can’t: there is too much trouble in his mind and life circumstances.

    If you can handle being an occasional friend to him, here and there, from time to time, that’s something that he can handle. But if you want a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship, I don’t think that it is something that he can.


    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.

    Hi Anita,

    thanks for your answer !

    The only thing is that it doesn’t seems to be what he wants! he told me not wanted to stop anything, and not wanted to be just friends, and by the way he acts, it proves that he want to be more than friends, otherwise he would have stop giving me « cute nicknames » , and kisses etc.
    He could have stop all of this and make me understand it the first time we met since I’m back. I didn’t know how to react when I met him the first time after my return and he is the who hugged me and kissed me like if we only have been separated since two weeks.

    thats why in me head we are « together ». I’m not expecting messages every day, and restaurant and cinema every week end etc absolutely not!
    I want to give him a lot of space and be patient, but present for him.

    but I don’t know « how much » i should be there for him. I don’t know if it makes sense.




    Dear Pauine:

    He likes you and wants you more than a friend, that is clear. But I don’t think he is able to be in a solid relationship with you as a boyfriend. To put it in another way, he is able to be a friend-with-benefits with you, not a boyfriend. If you are okay with having him as a friend with benefits, meeting occasionally, from time to time, for some “cure nicknames.. kisses etc.”- if that was okay with you, then it would serve you both, I guess.

    But if you want a relationship, you and him together as a couple going about life, making each other better for it- I don’t think it will happen with him, not anytime soon.. maybe far in the future.

    “how much I should be there for him”- not at all, if you want a boyfriend.



    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    It always help to have an exterior point of view,

    thank you Anita !


    You are very welcome, Pauline. Post again anytime.


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