Is it a toxic relationship or is it possible we can work this out?

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    (Sorry if I have mistakes because English is not my first language)

    I am in love with my boyfriend since I met him 3 years ago. When we met him, everything was beyond perfect. He was exactly the guy I was dreaming of. But, after that “honeymoon” month, my ex with whom I have broken up 5 months ago came back begging me to get back together. I had mixed feelings and I didn’t know what to do. So I went cold to my boyfriend, didn’t know what to do, ignoring him, and somehow wanted to try with my ex again. But, after 1 month me and my ex decided that things won’t work out for us anymore. My boyfriend was, I understand of course he’ll be angry because of my decision but that first year he would always do hot and cold behaviours. He would be with me one day being perfect, talking great stuff like, I am sorry, and I would say I’m sorry, let’s make thing okay etc, and the other day he would be gone. He had done this for a year and I saw that we can’t be together as it should be, so I moved on. But, After 2 months of ignoring him, he wrote me a message: Do u miss me as I do? So, we tried to get back together. We did. But, from that moment till now everything was like a rollercoaster. I can describe how I feel about this relationship: I was really sorry, and felt really bad about my mistake at the beggining, so I always tried to make things right, doing everything so I can prove him that I love him and I want to be with him. I did litteraly everything… But in this 3 years he was always hot and cold. Somedays he would be like yes I love you, we can work this out, and then we would ignore me (he is a gamer) and he would say that he wants alone time. I never felt appriciated, and loved and cared. I was always begging for attention, wanting him to prove me that he loves me. I always bought him presents doing stuff for him, while I had nothing. I was always satisfied when he was in the good mood, and his words were enough to win me over again.. In the 2 years of our relationship, on 17 March 2017 we broke up officialy for the first time. We always had pauses because he often did the silent treatment and stuff like that but now he broke up with me saying : You have destroyed me mentally, I hate you, go destroy someone else’s life. So we broke up, I was ignoring me, and month after our breakup I went out with out mutual friends and he was there too but I didn’t say hi to him so he was really uspet about it, and the next day he wrote me about it and saying oh so you are now moved on already? And we chatted like the whole night and the other day we saw each other and decided that we are going to be together again. We had amazing week, like in a months we haven’t been like that, happy and seeing each other every day. But after that week, he went back to his ignorant behaviour. So we fought again but we were together. That summer he went on 3 months working in America (he is 21, I’m 19) and we had really big fights about stuped things.. I often wanted to make things work out, but when I see now none of our problems is solved because he never wants to talks about problems and fights, he just say agrresive bad things and tomorrow he is acting fine.I have always tried to find a way to please him, so we can be okay I tried many things so we can be fine. He came back from America and we were okay for a few weeks and then I needed to go to college in a city 3 hours away from him. So we were okay the first 5 days, and then one day he decided to be aggresive and decided to break up with me saying the same things to me : Go destroy someone else. So we broke up… I was calling him a hundred times, he was passive aggresive all the time, ignorant, so I left it. But, 1 month later I was in my hometown and I saw him hugging another girl. I was hurt but moved on somehow.. 1 month after that he was again here typing me… So we texted again, come back home and made out again, decided to keep things secret until we work things out, but again we haven’t talk about how to solve our problems. He said that that girl I saw him with was nothing romantic just a person so he can go out with so he won’t be depressed at home alone. Things went okay for a week or two until he started passive agressive acting again. I went back home again, we were okay for 2 days and the next day he says I don’t want to be with you. There is no chemistry, I don’t love you. And I came to his house so we can talk and he said I need to think about this, I don’t know if I want to be with someone right now. But later that night he type and acting okay, asking me questions, talking with me. He went on like that, okay, I didn’t talk anything about solving or anything and he was warm and chatting with me. He got angry when I couldn’t write back all the time because I had exams… And week before new year he started being cold… He got sick, so he was home, resting and not doing anything. After new year, I was already home and he chatted with me fine and we saw each other after begging him to see him and talk this out. We had a really fun and great night, and I asked him what are we now? And he said we are together. And the other day was acting okay, but he chatted a little, not being here all day, not picking up his phone, and in 11 PM he suddenly said he is going out with his friends. And I was like okay have fun, and he didn’t type anything else.

    My friends and everyone I had told about everything we have experienced, they say that he is really bad person…. His exes, the first one really hates him because for example: he was silent treatment guy and not showing her support when her grandfather died. I read and all topics of the internet, he is like a narcisstic psychopath. He has a really tough childhood because his father and brother are working in America since he was a little kid. and he is often with his mother (she is working at the hospital, so litteraly he is alone most of the time). He just plays video games, he is showing lack of empathy not just for me, but and for his friends…

    I feel blame for the thing I did in the beginning, but I now that I did everything so I can show him that I am sorry. But I don’t know what to do anymore about this relationship. I want to feel happy with him, because I love him so much. I can’t let him go, even though everyone says that…



    Dear Eva:

    You had what you called a honeymoon month with him three years ago. Following that month you went cold on him, ignoring him as you went back to your ex.

    I too understand why he would be hurt and angry at you, for ignoring him, turning your back to him with no explanation. It was wrong of you to do that. You should have explained to him, told him the truth.

    The next three years or so, he has been reminding you of that wrongdoing, lashing out at you with anger. And during these three years, except for the times he broke up with you, you didn’t ignore him again, correct? You were honest with him throughout?

    If so, and following doing all you can do to make it up to him, he has been using you to release anger he had since early childhood, anger he had before he met you. Anger he had following his parents hurting him, not you.

    I think you have a pretty good understanding of him and the situation. Problem is you feel very attached to him, in love with him. You wrote close to the end of your share that you can’t let him go.

    If you can’t let him go, you will not let him go. We won’t do what we can not do.

    You wrote that “he is like a narcisstic psychopath”, lacking empathy for others. My question to you, in my effort to offer something helpful to you, is: do you believe he never has empathy for you or only at times?

    If he lacks empathy for you all the time, what feels good about being with him?



    • This reply was modified 5 years ago by anita.

    Check out Melanie Tonia Evans videos & website to determine if he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  You can receive daily information and validation for 16 days and then a free Webinar.  She has a healing program to deal with Narcissistic Abuse and then a follow-up Self-Empowerment program. This literally saved my life. Try googling “co-dependency”.  Another resource would be Teal Swan and her Completion Program.  At the age of 62, I am literally learning an entirely new skill set re: self-empowerment.  The dynamic you’re describing is not healthy and you CAN learn how to create healthy relationships.  The best to you.

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