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pink24.
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February 16, 2022 at 12:59 pm #392852
nycartistParticipantI am writing because at the moment I feel like I have “issues” with several close friendships. I am someone who has a lot of friends, and many of them are long lasting friendships. Over a decade for most. I am having some interesting dynamics come out lately and I don’t know if it signifies a shift in myself, perhaps, or insecurities coming out, but I need to get it off my chest.
One friendship I feel like we are always butting heads. I get questioned in my decisions in ways I don’t feel is appropriate. For example, I am having a birthday party for my daughter, and I told this friend as a heads up that I’m also inviting another friend to the part that I know she doesn’t like. I did that as a courtesy so she could be prepared to know this person will be there. It turned into a two day debate about why I do certain things, and almost like I had to choose between which friend to have. I told this friend, I am allowed to invite who I want to my daughter’s party, and she can choose to come or not come, but this is ridiculous. I am nearly 40 years old and don’t need her permission. She also gave me a lot of flack during COVID on what i am not comfortable doing, always pushing me to do things I didn’t want to do (meet in a restaurant or bar, go into her apartment when she doesn’t take COVID seriously at all).
Another friendship I am having trouble with is one where my friend is going through a hard time. She has become very unreliable and I have made excuses for her because I know she is dealing with personal stuff. But she has burned a lot of bridges with other friends and it has been over a year of these hard times and I don’t really see her taking action to improve things for herself or to mend the bridges she’s burned. I don’t know if or when I should say something but I am getting tired of just allowing for her to be totally unreliable, only responsive when she feels like it. She also has become rather rude to me in some instances and I don’t want to stand for that anymore.
My other friendship that is bothering me is one where I do a lot for this girl and am starting to feel it is very one sided. I don’t feel appreciated and I’ve been a very good friend to her. This is the least of the issues, I think maybe this is on me expecting too much. I can always choose to put in less effort if I feel it is uneven, though it is disappointing.
Anyway, I feel there is some kind of pattern here and I am having trouble putting my finger on it. But it feels really good to type this out and sort of see it in one place. I think I need to be more assertive and stop overthinking? I am not sure how to assert myself with the first two. It is very difficult for me.
February 16, 2022 at 2:10 pm #392866
AnonymousGuestDear nycartist:
“I told this friend, I am allowed to invite who I want… I am nearly 40 years old and don’t need her permission… Another friendship I am having trouble with is one where my friend is going through a hard time. She has become very unreliable… I am getting tired of just allowing for her to be totally unreliable… My other friendship that is bothering me is one where I do a lot for this girl and am starting to feel it is very one sided. I don’t feel appreciated… Anyway, I feel there is some kind of pattern here and I am having trouble putting my finger on it”-
– the pattern I see, based on what you shared today, and on what you shared in previous threads, includes these elements: (1) your fear of a friend getting angry at you and casting you aside, a fear that has led to your submissive, people-pleasing efforts, acting as if you are a child and your friend is the powerful adult: “I told this friend I am allowed… don’t need her permission” (today), “(when) I need to say no to, with friends or anyone, I find it nearly impossible. I am so afraid of making someone angry… this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me, or someone cut me out of their life and cast me aside…it’s literally sickening when I think of someone being ‘displeased’ with me” (2020),
and (2) your fear of a friend’s anger and being cast aside, leading to your efforts to control the friend’s behaviors, acting in overbearing ways, and doing too much for your friend, as if you are the parent and the friend is (a misbehaving, un-appreciating) child: “I am getting tired of just allowing for her to be totally unreliable…I do a lot for this girl and am starting to feel it is very one sided. I don’t feel appreciated” (today), “I’ve been told (by other friends) I can sometimes be too overbearing in the past” (2019).
Notice you acting like the rebelling child on one hand (“I am allowed… don’t need her permission“, today), and acting like the overdoing/ overworked and un-appreciated parent, on the other hand (“(I am) allowing for her“, today).
anita
February 16, 2022 at 3:13 pm #392869nycartistParticipantThanks Anita. That is an interesting observation. I think looking at that, it makes me realize there is a lot of imbalance in my friendships. It is true, a lot of times I am a nurturer, and maybe I am in a way a mothering role, and it can be tiring and leave me feeling unappreciated. Other times with the more pushy friends I do feel rebellious too, because it brings back feelings from when I was a kid and bossed/pushed around.
I don’t know how to strive for a more equal balance in these relationships. But I can say for some reason (maybe it is just my mood at the moment), I feel some anger about it. These years-long relationships are hard to change. But I want respect in all of them. That also feels lacking whether I am being the child pushing back or the unappreciated mother figure.
February 16, 2022 at 3:57 pm #392870AnonymousGuestDear nycartist:
You are welcome. “I don’t know how to strive for a more equal balance in these relationships. But I can say for some reason (maybe it is just my mood at the moment), I feel some anger about it. These years-long relationships are hard to change. But I want respect in all of them. That also feels lacking whether I am being the child pushing back or the unappreciated mother figure” –
– if you want to work with me here, on your thread, on promoting equal balance and mutual respect in any of the friendships that you mentioned, you are welcome to pick two situations in which you felt disrespected, one in which you were the child, the other in which you were the unappreciated mother figure, describe each situation factually (strictly what was said and what took place) and I will be glad to discuss it with you.
anita
February 16, 2022 at 6:31 pm #392880nycartistParticipantOk I will give it a try.
I will stick with the first scenario, of my friend who was disapproving of my guest list for a party I am hosting. She spent most of the day messaging me about why I shouldn’t have a certain person there, and made it all about her. How she feels that she shouldn’t have to spend her time around people she doesn’t like. Also that if the tables were turned, she would have dropped this friend if it were me who didn’t like the person. This is a party for my child, and both of these friends have a place in my life. I told her she can make the choice to come or not come, I have the right to invite whomever I choose to my own party. This friend of mine (the one with the issue) is supposed to stay with me after the festivities and wants to “talk about it” more afterwards. It just feels as though I am waiting to get reprimanded or something and it is adding stress to what is supposed to be a happy occasion. All because she wants me not to invite a person to my own party. So here is where I feel like a child “rebelling” I suppose. Really I just feel like I am having to push back on a pushy person and stick up for myself, which is difficult.
A scenario where I acted like a mother figure is a different friend went through a breakup, came to my house late that night, stayed here for 2 days! I tried my best to comfort her, but I also have a family, and needed to take care of my own things in life. After this breakup, she’s become distant, and unreliable. She used to be a very reliable friend, and now shows up late, doesn’t always text back, flakes out on plans, and generally just is not really there in the way she used to be. I know she is going through things, but this has been a few years of this and it has gotten worse lately. I accepted this behavior for a while but I am just over it. I don’t quite know how to express my feelings without her becoming defensive. I have tried a few times and gotten a lot of resistance.
February 16, 2022 at 7:41 pm #392885AnonymousGuestDear nycartist:
I will reply to you Thurs morning, in about 11 hours from now.
anita
February 17, 2022 at 7:01 am #392908AnonymousGuestDear nycartist:
Your friend in the first scenario is pushy. You did everything right in regard to her and the party, and she did everything wrong. I am guessing that generally, she is a friend only when she agrees with your choices. If she disagrees, she pushes you to change your mind and choose what she wants you to choose. If this is the pattern of her behavior, then she is a very conditional friend, and an unreasonable self-centered and selfish woman, and there is no point in butting heads with her (“we are always butting heads“). She doesn’t mind butting heads, but it gives you a headache!
So, you are having a birthday party for your daughter, an occasion that is supposed to be happy and be about your daughter. What happened instead is that this pushy friend harassed you most of the day before the birthday party (“She spent most of the day messaging me about why I shouldn’t…“), plus, she has let you know that she will harass you more after the party (“This friend of mine… is supposed to stay with me after the festivities and wants to ‘talk about it’ more afterwards“).
Like the saying goes, with friends like that, who needs enemies?
The second friend “used to be very reliable friend, and now shows up late, doesn’t always text back, flakes out on plans…, this has been a few years of this, and it has gotten worse lately“. In this case, better that you forget how she used to be and accept her recent years behaviors as her … new normal, this is how she is. Don’t expect her to return to the old normal. See if losing that expectation makes you feel better about her flakiness, maybe you can accept it with peace of mind. Maybe not.
You wrote yesterday: “I don’t know how to strive for a more equal balance in these relationships… I want respect in all of them. That also feels lacking whether I am being the child pushing back or the unappreciated mother figure” –
– In regard to the first conditional friend: equal balance is not possible with a person who is into harassing you, a person who (when she disagrees with your reasonable choices that are yours to make) is about making it all about her and nothing about you. It’s a Win-Lose friendship, when she disagrees, she must Win, you must Lose. No equal balance. As far as respect goes, her respect of you is conditional, you get it… if she agrees with your choices. In the scenario you described, she is the pushy, overbearing, complaining and manipulative mother and you are… the abused/ harassed child. Zero respect.
In regard to the second friend, her flaky behavior is likely not about her disrespecting you. So, maybe you can achieve an equal balance in this friendship if you drop the expectation that she goes back to her old normal, accept her new normal and match it with a new normal of your own, in regard to her.
anita
February 17, 2022 at 7:25 am #392910AnonymousGuestDear nycartist:
I want to add, in regard to the mother/ child dynamic with the flaky friend: “She has become very unreliable… I don’t really see her taking action to improve things… I am getting tired of just allowing for her to be totally unreliable… I think maybe this is on me expecting too much” – if she was your minor age child, then noticing that she used to be reliable and is no longer reliable, you’d want to find out why, communicate with her, suggest actions for her to take so to improve her mindset and life, allow her this, disallow her that, expect her to take certain actions, etc. But this woman is not your child, so equal balance in the friendship would indeed mean that you step down from the mother platform, accept her as an equal, and accept her as the person that she has been in the last few years. (Maybe if you accept her as she is, just maybe, her behavior toward you will improve, and so will the friendship).
anita
February 17, 2022 at 8:06 am #392913nycartistParticipantHi Anita,
As always thank you for your thoughtful insights. You help me put things into perspective.
With the bossy friend, I am going to hold firm in my boundaries. And we will see what happens there. I feel people are put in our lives for a reason and maybe this is a person who is in my life to help me learn to speak up. I’ve been silenced for a lot of my life and it is a challenge to speak up. With this friend there is opportunity to push back. It feels like “butting heads” and maybe it is constructive in some ways. I know we both care about each other, we actually had stopped being friends for a few years and reconnected. So we both are trying to make it work, as we both missed each other. There are good things about the friendship, it is just this dynamic of her wanting me to do things her way where there is a sticking point.
For the flakey friend, you bring up a good point. To give a little more insight, I have actually adopted the stance of “She’s a grown woman and can figure this out for herself” a while back. When some of her other relationships were damaged by her actions, I stayed out of it, refrained from giving advice or judgment, as I have faith that she knows the right thing to do in the end. Her choices have not been good ones, but I am giving her the space to make those for herself. My husband thinks I am “enabling” her by staying her friend while she makes poor choices but I see it as: you don’t abandon someone when they are having a hard time. I have decided to stick it out, unless she does something truly hurtful and egregious toward me, where I need to draw the line. But I think giving that space and lowering my expectations is great advice that I can use with her going forward.
February 17, 2022 at 8:53 am #392928AnonymousGuestDear nycartist:
You are welcome. “With the bossy friend, I am going to hold firm in my boundaries… maybe this is a person who is in my life to help me learn to speak up. I’ve been silenced for a lot of my life, and it is a challenge to speak up” – good plan, to use this as an opportunity to speak up, set and keep firm boundaries!
“For the flakey friend… I see it as: you don’t abandon someone when they are having a hard time. I have decided to stick it out, unless she does something truly hurtful and egregious toward me, where I need to draw the line. But I think giving that space and lowering my expectations is great advice that I can use with her going forward” – good plan, and you are a good friend!
anita
February 17, 2022 at 11:17 am #392955
pink24ParticipantHi Nycartist,
40 is such an interesting time. I definitely sensed a shift in me as I was turning 40, like “ok, I’m a boss now. Step off” lol. So I think it’s probably both you and them, honestly. And Covid definitely brought out the true nature of people, I think. You probably don’t like what you see from your friends, and are honestly wondering if you even have time for it.
I think friendships are an ebb and flow though, so I would say just accept where you guys are now. Maybe your one friend doesn’t handle adversity well–it’s not a crime, but it is really annoying especially if you’re a strong person. Don’t make excuses for her, though. Take care of your own mental space. If you want to keep your distance from her, do so. No regrets.
People say real life starts at 40. Like, you know who you are and what you’re willing to put up with. I’m not saying cut off these friendships, but just limit your time with them and see how you feel. I’m 44 now, and over the last few years I’ve had to make new friends, just so I can live authentically and peacefully. Honestly, that’s the most important thing.
Good luck!
Pink 🙂
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