Dear Dan:

You wrote about what your girlfriend thought when she suggested that you reconnect with your mother: “She thought it would be good for me to have a mother figure in my life”- well, your mother hasn’t been a mother figure in your life throughout your childhood and onward. Why look for a mother figure where there never has been one?

I wrote the above paragraph before I read what you wrote next: “I still don’t feel I have a mother figure”- well, this issue is settled. You don’t owe that woman anything really, and it is okay to be angry at a woman who severely hurt and neglect/ abandon (is it) eight children that she chose to bring into the world. A lot of people get confused, thinking a bad person is always bad, like cartoon characters. But every cruel person is sometimes kind, to somebody. I hope neither you or your girlfriend are confused in this regard.

You wrote: “I am starting to think I should cut my mother, ex step-father and abusive brothers out of my life for the foreseeable future and try to heal myself”- I agree fully, completely.

You also wrote: “Anger has been my driving emotion forever it seems.. anger makes me get up and do things… I will often be paralyzed with a feeling of uselessness and not doing what I want in life, until a big argument or falling out with my girlfriend/ family happens. Then I will ride my rage for a few days, doing some of those things that I felt bad about not doing, and feeling a bit better for a while”-

-when you do cut all your abusive family members out of your life and heal, this dynamic will most likely change. With healing, there will be other emotions to motivate you, they will have the space to make themselves known to you.

L reads like a good woman to me. I am impressed by her consistent support of you. The only problem in her support of you was her misguided suggestion that you reconnect with your mother. If she abandoned or abandons that advice, or push, then the rest of her behavior, my goodness, reads as good as can be!

anita

Dan,

Just wanted to say the quote also resonates with me! Good luck with the healing process and everything else! Seems to me you have a good girl by your side, keep sight of that at all times!