Hi everyone,

I would like to thank anyone that takes the time to read this. I have been going through some really hard times recently, but many of my other problems have come to an end, with the exception of dealing with a break up.

It has been 3-months since my ex and myself broke up, we were in a 5-year relationship, with its ups and downs, all of our problems started when we began living together and both of us being PhD graduate students, even though we lived together, I constantly felt like we were growing apart. Our relationship started with her being interested in being with me, she would completely do anything within her grasp to spend sometime with me, do something together, she would be really creative and come up with fun activities or gifts.

This started to change, after graduate school, with her spending most of her time working, and I felt it as a lack of interest on her part towards me, since I was also in a tougher PhD program and still had time for her. I tried communicating with her several times, arguing that we were lacking connection, friendship, that we needed to do more things together and work on ourselves. Things did not end up working out well, and I ended up losing my patience and becoming explosive and doing and saying things I regret.

This is a follow-up post to one I did a while ago explaining what had happened exactly. Long-story short, I did not manage our relationship and my feelings in the wisest way, she left her PhD program and moved back home to her parents. Anyways, coming up to my current situation, things are a little messy. I’ve tried doing no contact a couple of times, a total of 5 in total, in 4/5 of them she has been the one to break it up and end up talking to me. What happens next is that I end up talking to her about my feelings and ask for another chance, she end up saying no, that it is too soon and that she needs to regain my trust and know that I won’t hurt her anymore.

This became a vicious cycle, where I am upset, sad, after being rejected and decide that I won’t talk to her anymore, then she ends up texting me and the whole things starts all over again. The last time I attempted the no-contact rule, it lasted for about a week, in which I realized that I really loved this girl and I wanted to do everything within my grasp to win her back and show her that we can both be happy and we weren’t mature enough to know how to care for a relationship, both on her end and my end. So I called her, and asked if she wanted to come and spend a weekend with me, to which she said yes.

In addition, after 3-months, I asked her for another chance, not as her boyfriend, but to give me a chance to let me back into her heart, I said that it was very difficult for me to just leave without having one last battle and give it my best, I asked her if it was only trust that was stopping her from giving me another chance and she said yes, to which my follow up question was if she thought we could be back together and she said I suppose. She gave me a chance to win her back, and said she would try to look at me again as a potential partner, and not just be “an-ex”.

A week into my second chance period, I asked a question about the things I had planned for the weekend when she came, to which she said she was not going to be able to make it, this immediately broke my heart, she was not apologetic, she just said I have something else to do, she also said she was going to be busy for the rest of the year because of work. Seeing her again, was everything I had looked up to for a while. Later she said, that she had only given me this second chance, due to the pressure I had exerted on her by asking for second chances, but that at the bottom of her heart she thinks that I will never be able to change.

It breaks my heart, for her to tell me that she can’t make it here, and now she seems to be enjoying her social life, going out to clubs and bars, which in a way make me feel happy for her, but it completely shatters me on the inside. This has broken my spirit immensely, and I can’t help but have the mindset of going after the girl you love, and have your happy ending as any movie would show.

She says that she still loves me, but that I don’t understand the damage I did to her, that 3-months is too quick to even think about a relationship, and in a way, I agree. But how can I even get her trust, if she doesn’t even have time for a phone call? I am clearly no longer a priority in her life, and I get it. I just don’t feel loved anymore and I don’t think she truly means it when she says it, especially after admitting the chance she had given me was due to pressure. She is leaving a road full of obstacles, and I don’t think I can regain her trust like this, and I feel the more I talk to her I end up worsening things and cheapening the value of my words.

After some backstory, I finally reach the question on this thread. Is letting go a choice? I have lost hope in getting back with her, not being in the same city makes everything so difficult, we have just become words seen through a small screen (texting), because she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me on the phone in her house, because her parents will hear. I have been extremely miserable throughout these months, I cry every day, regretting all the bad things I did, I was finally happy and had hope after she had decided to give me another chance, but I went straight to the ground after she said it was only due to pressure.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore, so my question is not so much focused on the things I need to do, which I think I already know, go out, work out, meet people, new things and so on… but my question is a bit more ambiguous, is letting go a choice? something you decide to do every day? like stopping yourself when you find you thinking about her, or wishing about things you could’ve done better?

Or is letting go simply something that happens naturally over time?

Thanks everyone!