Dear hohs:

If it is you repeatedly doubting her feelings about you that made her lose the feelings she did have for you- then I would think, if you became stronger within yourself, that strength may revive her feelings. To become stronger, examine the doubting more closely and see where it goes from there.

You mentioned a previous relationship as the source of your doubting- would you like to share about that relationship here?

anita

Dear hohs:

Asking her for forgiveness implies you did something wrong, unethical or abusive, but you did none of these. No need to ask for forgiveness.

Reads to me like you placed the women (ex-ex girlfriend and ex girlfriend) on a pedestal, as if you didn’t deserve them, as if you were worthless and dependent on their goodwill to be in a relationship with you. This is ineffective. The women believed you, I guess, and figured that they were too good for you.

In your future communications with people, women, men and children… please, do not present yourself as Less Than the other person. Because you are not less than, and because when you do, most often you will be treated accordingly.

Practiced every day, every opportunity you get, to present yourself to others with respect toward yourself. Even when you express an insecurity, do it in a way that is respectful to yourself.

How to word an insecurity in a self respectful way? If you give me an example of what you said repeatedly to the last girlfriend, I can help you re-word it. We can do it now or anytime you come back to this thread.

anita

Dear hohs:

It may not be too late-

First understand that when you are scared that the woman will leave you, she can tell you a thousand times that she won’t leave you and you will still be afraid, still need her to tell you one more time, and then again and again. It is crazy making for the person having to say it again and again… and fail because not a single time creates a calm in you that lasts.

When you need a woman to assure you and reassure you, think of it as an itch that you need not scratch. Resist it, do not ask.

If you can resist the temptation to ask for reassurance, then when you see this woman again, you can tell her that you made a mistake asking for reassurance and you understand how frustrating it was for her, that it would be frustrating and annoying for anyone in her place. Tell her you decided to endure, tolerate your anxiety (fear of abandonment) without asking for reassurance, that is, without burdening her with it.

Maybe she will give the relationship another chance. If you do approach her with the above message, be as calm as you can be. And this is the correct attitude on your part- as anxious as you are, don’t burden her (a girlfriend/partner) with your anxiety. Attend competent psychotherapy for healing from that anxiety, manage it via exercise, meditation, soft music, etc.. outside the relationship. Share about your anxiety with her, but take responsibility for it- it is your job to heal from it, not her job to heal you (impossible for her to do, as she found out).

anita

Dear hohs:

If you do get a chance with her, you will feel insecure again, scared. Be prepared to feel that way again, but make it so that not ALL of you is that scared person, keep part of you calm enough, able to choose the behavior that will work FOR you and not against you!

As scared/ anxious as you will be, go to a Calm Place in your brain and act from that place (you can visualize that place, and spend time there already, tonight, every day; be it at the beach by the ocean, or in the woods, someplace that calms you)

anita

Dear hohs:

You are welcome. Better not ask her something like: what is our current situation? She should not be the one to determine the situation, it should be you and her determining the relationship situation.

When you leave it up to her, you again, present yourself as passive, weak, dependent on her. Not a good idea. If you text her, text an offer to get together, something like: would like to have coffee with you at ____ (a coffee shop). Or the like. Initiate, take charge.

anita

A person will tell you what they think you want to hear. Not meaning to sound harsh, but if you keep insisting that she tell you she isn’t going to leave, it will eventually turn into telling you whatever she thinks will get you to stop asking. And, at some point, she’ll get tired of it and say to hell with it.

Anita, hmmm… maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong when I’ve left dinner location up to potential dates. Why would it come across as “dependent” on somebody to ask them about where to eat? I’m a bit confused by your recommendation to Hohs. Not everybody likes everybody else’s choice in foods or coffees for that matter. If I’m drinking straight coffee, I like it darker and thicker than Guinness Stout; just on the hairy edge of bitter; a black hole in a mug. If I’m getting an espresso drink, again prefer a place that serves up drinks that would give non-caffeine-fiends an instant heart attack. Other people might not like that style, and why not give them an option to pick where to go?

Simple truth: you existed before you met her. You existed before you even knew she existed. You will exist even if she tells you to sit in a corner and pound sand. The more desperate you are for something, the harder it can be to obtain it. Imagine how you would feel if say your boss kept asking you every 5-10 minutes “are you going to finish the project?” After enough of that, you’d probably be inclined to tell your boss to take the project and shove it into a bodily orifice not normally illuminated by light. Now, imagine that instead of your boss, it’s somebody who supposedly wants to spend the rest of life with you.

As a prosecutor, I can say that one of the big early red flags in a relationship is obsession about what the other person is doing, when they will be back, demanding constant confirmation, etc.. It comes across as very controlling, and that’s a really big red flag. Things tend to spiral out-of-control from there. There is, for example, a difference between asking for your SO to let you know when he/she gets in after a lengthy trip in bad weather and constantly asking if your SO is going to be returning. One is concern, the other is an attempt to control based on fear. Having seen what happens when attempts at verbal control are deemed insufficient, I cannot blame the woman for pulling back from such a display of fear.

“Hope:” – Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment (Imperial Librarians, Warhammer 40,000 – Dawn of War). Why put yourself in a situation where all you have to rely upon is “hope?”