July 12, 2015 at 9:13 pm #79717
I’m messaging because I could really use some opinions on a woman. I met this woman through an online dating site. She approached me and was into me from the start. We started having conversations on there and they were amazing. She didn’t want to share her pictures online so we exchanged cell numbers. She sent photos and she was a pretty woman. I think she is beautiful because I got to know her personality without seeing her.
I couldn’t believe that this woman was so into me. I shouldn’t think that, because without being arrogant, I’ve been told I’m a nice looking man. Still, it was just great because we connected so well and were both looking forward to meeting in person.
We had set a day to meet, but it didn’t work out because her daughter was ill at camp, and she had to get her. I texted her that day and I started my message with what turned out to be an unintentionally bad joke and immediately after talked about how wonderful of a person she was. Nothing crude but it just didn’t translate that well over a text. Most things don’t. That day, I didn’t hear from her at all.
Usually, she was responding quite quickly but not that day.
I had been suddenly dropped from someone who messaged me before, so I instantly and mistakenly, assumed the same. I wrote a good bye message to her and sent it. The next day I get a message from her that she didn’t appreciate my joke and that she fully intended on meeting with me but I had completely turned her off. I should have known about the joke. She wears her heart on her sleeve and I think she gets hurt more easily. She then told me good luck and that was it.
I tried calling her but she was having breakfast with her kids. I messaged and tried to explain myself but she never responded back. It was a month of getting to know each other but there was a connection and an attraction that both of us felt immediately and strongly.
It so disheartening that I will probably never get to know this woman anymore than I did.
Yesterday, I sent her one last series of thoughtful messages that let her know where I felt I was wrong in the situation, and how I thought of her as a person. It was polite, sincere, and caring. I haven’t had a response from that either.
I know that there are plenty of other single women out there but it is hard to find one that you feel so in tune with from the start. This woman was amazing and I’m pretty sure I won’t get another chance. Do I leave her alone and see if those messages touch her in any way again? Do I just give up and move on? It happened a week ago, and I haven’t been able to shut it out of my head.
Is it easier for women in just shut it down and move on?
I don’t know what to think. I was divorced after 20 years from a cheating wife, 4 years ago. I took a long time to get over it, just caring for my kids, and started dating again last year. I had a few dates with a couple of women last year and nothing else. Neither one was nothing like this woman.
I wish someone could just say that I have a chance but I know that can’t happen. Has anyone had this happen to them?July 13, 2015 at 8:04 am #79747AnonymousGuest
What was the joke? This is crucial at this point to understanding what happened.
anitaJuly 13, 2015 at 10:56 am #79764
I don’t know if it was a really a joke. It was more of a tongue in cheek thing where I was basically contradicting what I said. It was meant to be kidding but I said she was an unintentionally mean person. After that, I just went on and said a lot of things about her as a person that I thought was great, and how I’m usually guarded but I couldn’t help but let her in. Also, I told her that I couldn’t help but care about her. I know it was a stupid thing to say now. Especially if someone doesn’t get your sense of humor. It was supposed to be a contrast thing.
I know it was a mistake and I apologized for it. I’m just guessing that some people aren’t willing to give you a second chance. It just sucks because this is the first woman that I felt could have been someone worth giving your best for.July 13, 2015 at 11:17 am #79768AnonymousGuest
This is an opportunity for you to learn MORE, all is not lost when you learn something valuable, something that will prove worthwhile in your future dealings. If you learn, what you learn, if there is at all something to learn- is all up to you.
You wrote to her that she was an UNINTENTIONALLY MEAN person. Two things: that she was MEAN and that she was UNINTENTIONALLY mean. I don’t know what these things mean. You told her then (?) that she was cruel (mean) and that she couldn’t even see being cruel, therefore having no awareness of her cruely, or meanness…?
And then you told her that you couldn’t HELP but to care about her, as in SHOULD not care about her but compelled to care? As if she is not worthy of your care because she is mean and lack awareness of her meanness (therefore not having the power to change her meanness) but … lucky her, you are COMPELLED to care about her…
Is there some passive aggressiveness there, a mind game of sorts?
Perhaps anger at your ex wife who cheated on you, anger directed at this new woman?
How are you with anger? Is there a passive aggressive pattern to your behavior?
anitaJuly 13, 2015 at 1:57 pm #79775nikiParticipant
Having done some online dating there is an easy intimacy with someone when you haven’t actually met. You are able to project way more on to a person through texting than you would in actual face to face conversation.
Was she really that amazing or was the potential of her amazing? She was in to you until the reality of your text jarred with her idea of you and then easy to cut you off because you just existed in the ether not as a flesh and blood person.
Anyway do you really want to be with someone so easily offended that it negates all the good you had in your initial conversations.
More importantly – how perfect a relationship would it have been with someone who doesn’t get your sense of humour – that sounds like a horrible relationship!
By the way I am assuming you are American – any English influence in your upbringing? What you did with your text would have been more understood in England I think as generally there is a culture of teasing people that we like. Which is what it sounded like you were doing.July 13, 2015 at 1:59 pm #79776
It wasn’t a mind game. Just a big mistake on my part. I’m not with anger. It felt so good getting to know her. I think I said that I couldn’t help but care for her because I’ve been so guarded and alot of times felt like I didn’t deserve someone like her again. She just opened me up and I felt something I haven’t felt in awhile.
I regret it but I can’t change what happened. I’ll have to learn from this. I just wish that I didn’t have to learn from it with her.July 13, 2015 at 2:12 pm #79778
Also, we did speak on the phone too and things seemed very comfortable and easy going there. I don’t think she got my jokes alot of times. Yes, I’m from north America in Canada,and my humour is more kidding. I never mean for it to be malicious or hurtful. She is a pre school and music teacher. I work in a warehouse. I don’t think she has been exposed to the the ribbing I have. I never did that to her but my skin is probably thicker. Her world has alot of sweetness to it.
She is a good woman that I would have liked to have known betterJuly 13, 2015 at 2:35 pm #79779AnonymousGuest
Her world has a lot of sweetness to it… I wonder what it means to you. It sounds lovely, like you would like some of that sweetness in your world as well. I wish you learn what you need to learn and I wish that you can possibly communicate with her again- maybe give it some time- and reconnect. But I do hope you learn something- what I do not know- be it something heavy duty or it may be a matter of style that will not clash with her sweetness. I mean, if it doesn’t take from your identity to smooth the rough edges of your humor… but wait, figure it out and give it some time. Maybe. Maybe.
anitaJuly 13, 2015 at 3:27 pm #79783
Hi Anita ,
I do hope that some time will make her think about all the good things I said to her.Nikijaine did make a good point about all of this. With that one text, I was shut down completely. I sent her so many messages before and some after that,that were honest,sincere,and from the heart. She was always telling me that I was an amazing guy and messaged me alot. It was strange when it all stopped suddenly.
It’s feels funny because I don’t see the world as black and white ,and I always try to give people the benefit of doubt. I had hoped she would see that I was a good man who sometimes make mistakes. We all do.
I want to stay positive but I don’t want to sit and pine for her. I feel that she deserved me as much as I deserved someone like her.
Nothing I said was ever meant to make her feel hurt. I tried to explain that but it doesn’t seem to matter. I know one thing. When I care about someone, I can’t just shut down on them.July 13, 2015 at 7:27 pm #79813AnonymousGuest
It is evident that you cared/ care about this woman. I still have no idea- and you don’t have much of an idea either, I gather- what happened. The relationship with her was online and one phone call and that is not much to go on. It was enough for you to feel so strongly about her though— how we can get hurt after decades of a marriage – or after an online thing and a phone call. What does it take to really know someone? Maybe BOTH in person knowing (which you did not have with her) and good communication (which many, many do not have with the one they live with!)
So next time, with her- if it will be- or with another, guard yourself until well into knowing someone in person, over long enough time and while listening carefully, so you know WHERE you place your heart and give another power over it…?
Both, in person and good communication so you LEARN more about her and about you…
I hope you feel better. Maybe giving up hope with her will be helpful. Sometimes HOPE is a curse.
anitaJuly 14, 2015 at 4:08 am #79833
It seemed that it happened quickly. She was so open and vocal about what she wanted and was so attracted to me. It drew me in because I wasn’t use it someone wanting to meet you so bad and talk so much everyday.
Last year, I dated two women about 3 times each. Knowing them about 3 months each. The first one was a little more open and it didn’t last after the third. The second woman was more aloof, and I tried alot more with her because she still had alot of good qualities,but it felt like so much work with her.
With this woman now, everything was easy and natural. It just seemed to flow. But I wonder how she could shut down so easily though. Maybe she is too intense about getting to know someone and falls in and out of things quickly. Like I said, if I care about someone, I care about them. I can’t instantly shut it offJuly 14, 2015 at 7:11 am #79836AnonymousGuest
You mentioned twice the point that she shut you off so quickly and that you can’t do that: “If I care about someone, I care about them. I can’t shut it off.”
Wouldn’t it be interesting if you could inhabit her brain for an hour- the insight you would get! When you communicated with her so easily at first, you assumed she was like you, you inaccurately projected- do you think?- that you were the same. And now you realize you are not, that she operates very differently than you do. What is her mental operation? neither one of us live in her head and without her honestly and openly TELLING you or me, we will never know.
Do you think it may be useful for you to .. meditate, calmly think about this point? Assumptions/ mind reading/ inaccurate projections vs, REALITY.
I wonder if you do and if you accept that she is different than who you assumed she was, do you then figure you are attached to an illusion, to someone you wish she was, someone you thought she was- but is not?
anitaJuly 14, 2015 at 11:36 am #79852
I’m over thinking the situation. I don’t know what she is thinking, and making assumptions about it will just bother me more. It hard to just say it was an illusion though. The way she wrote things, and how she spoke in person, helped create the impression I got of her.
I have to just let it go.
The feeling I got from her was nice though. We all want to find someone special and who thinks we are special. I guess it’s not her.July 14, 2015 at 12:21 pm #79857AnonymousGuest
Your last post reads very reasonable to me. Overthinking a situation, by definition, “over” is ineffective and makes things worse. Without new evidence what is the point of rehearsing the same old same old. I concur.
We all wantto find someone special who thinks we are special.
take care of yourself:
anitaJuly 15, 2015 at 8:45 am #79899
Hi Anita and anyone else who might respond,
I took it upon myself to let that woman know that I was letting go of the possibility that she might change her mind about staying in touch, and seeing where things might go.
I expressed that I regretted that we weren’t able to go any further,and said that maybe time would give her a chance to see things differently.
I sent her one other message before this but I let her know that I won’t send anymore now. Why don’t I feel any better about it?
I already know the answer. It’s because I’m truly not letting go yet. Nothing in life is consistent but I guess the sudden turn around threw me for a loop.
I started to read about the four tenets of Buddhism and I know it will benefit me to study them more in depth.
It is just difficult after going through an emotional abusive marriage break down, and then really start to feel something for someone for the first since then,and have it fall apart before you can show them that you are a good hearted person.