Hi Nicole

I don’t think your idea is foolish or weak – I think it is perfectly understandable and normal given the recent experience you have gone through. But…

I think it would be a good idea to consider very carefully what your motivations are to do this, and what the long-term cost will be. Is this intended to be a positive move forwards in your life, or is it simply retreating to the place where you felt safe before you went out into the big wide world and got hurt?

Reading your post, you mention the “safety” aspects in very definite terms, (“I want to be with my remaining childhood friends,” etc.), whilst your future plans seem vague (“Maybe eventually I’ll get an apartment…”). It seems that you want to take that step back, before even starting to think of where that step might take you next. That is not so much starting fresh, as returning to “Go”.

Sometimes we become so focused on a particular solution that we forget what the problem is that we are trying to solve. Whenever I have been faced with similar situations in my life, I have always sat down with a pencil and paper and drawn up two columns: a list of all the good things in my life on the left and all the bad things on the right. Aside from this being quite cathartic in itself, it also helps focus my mind on what the real issue is, and whether what I am proposing is really a sensible solution.

From your post, it sounds like your job situation is very good. This is important – we spend a lot of our waking hours at work (usually many more than we do with our partners, especially if you have to commute), and having a job you hate or nasty people around you or both can have a devastating effect on your self-esteem and well-being. Maybe you will find another job just as good, but it is a lottery.

You talk about wanting to be with your remaining childhood friends. I grew up in a time when it was much more difficult to keep in touch with people. In some ways that was good – there are plenty of people from my youth that I would rather not see any more (and I’m sure the feeling is mutual). But now it is so much easier to keep in touch (virtually and physically), I would be wary of basing any life-changing decisions around that.

You say your parents could do with the help of rent money. I am certainly closer to your parent’s age than yours, and I could also do with the help of rent money from my children, but there is no way I would want that at the expense of their futures. And going back is unlikely to be the same as it was. I don’t doubt your parents would love to have you around, but they are leading their own lives too. They have raised you and seen you fly the nest. To see you come back wounded would be bitter-sweet for them. Of course your heart wants to be home, but that will never go away – on that basis you would stay with your parents for the rest of their lives, and I am sure they wouldn’t want that for you.

All of the above are just intended as considerations, however, and it may be that in your particular case, these issues wouldn’t apply – I am only going by the tone and wording of your post. If, however, there is a more positive aspect to your move, then all of those issues would matter less.

For example, as a parent, I would be concerned if one of my daughters decided to return to live with me, giving up a perfectly good job in the process, and with no clear idea of what to do next, but saying she is going to “think about it”. That concern would be doubled if she had just come out of an abusive relationship – it would feel like she is still allowing him to damage her. If, however, she tells me that she has found a good job near me and needs somewhere to stay whilst she finds a place of her own, that would be very different: in that case, she is moving forward and in control.

So, in summary, you are understandably bruised and thinking about what to do next. I would just suggest that you think very clearly whether your proposed next step is a positive (i.e. a step back in order to move further forward), or a negative (retreating to where it felt safe).

Hi Nicole

This clarifies the position a lot more, and helps explain your dilemma. This now sounds more positive and less negative. The useful thing is that you have a deadline to work to, which always helps concentrate the mind.

Listing the benefits and drawbacks of both options would still be useful, because it will help to identify exactly where your doubts are coming from, and what is important to you.

From your latest post it sounds like you see an OK but not particularly exciting future if you stay where you are, compared with similar opportunities (albeit vague) and a happier family and social scene by moving back. In other words, you are comparing a current reality with a future fantasy (that’s not a criticism – it is the position we most often find ourselves in).

In that case, I think you would gain the maximum benefit by putting some hard edges around those plans, so you are able to compare two realities – make enquiries about jobs, speak to your friend about the reality of commuting into NY, speak to your parents about how it could work. Chances are this will make the decision straightforward. Plenty of jobs, the commute’s not too bad, and your parents would love you to stay? Decision made. Not much work available, the commute takes 4 hours a day, and your parents tell you they are planning to live in a beach hut in Malibu? Decision made.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you at the time, because you are obviously taking your time, thinking about it and asking advice. Your posts demonstrate that you are intelligent and level-headed, and have the attitude and skills to deal with change. For that reason you will make a very bright future for yourself no matter what you decide.