February 10, 2020 at 10:27 am #337370
So, as of the 4th of January my girlfriend of 3 years and I are not together. The usual heart broken and the like that follows however, I’m not sure what to think about the “breakup”. Things were fine with no red flags of a break up or unhappiness, I have been broken up with before and have also done breaking up and am usually fairly well aware of the signs of an impending slipt up. we exchanged gifts just before Christmas (she was fretting what to get me in mid November) and everything was normal as it could be. Laughed, hung out, went to dinners, kissed with no awkwardness and said I love you to eachother.
We met on the 4th to talk (was going to tell her of a surprise I had planned for us) and we broke up. She started off saying it’s not because she doesn’t love me because she does and that there was no one else or that she had someone lined up “waiting in the wings”. She’s a fulltime college student, plays college basketball, was working (with me at the same place) and has family troubles going on. She said she is just so overwhelmed with what’s going on that she can’t feel like a good girlfriend and give me the time she feels she should be giving me. I understand she’s busy, told her it’s life and it’s tough but “how can I miss you when you’re never gone?” To me time apart can be a good thing because it makes seeing eachother all the more better and special. She also said she feels she’s holding me back in life, there’s a 6 year age difference and think’s I want to settle down in the next few years and she’s not ready for that which I told her she’s worth waiting for. I am also in school with my first year and would like to have my career going first before getting married let alone having kids. I’ve had plenty of relationships but she’s the only one I’ve seen being with in that way, she truly is ” the one”.
The only real troubles were at work where we would bicker or snap at one another but would quickly admit fault, apologize and move forward. Being a guy and not the best with my words at time I’d put my foot in my mouth or say something that would come out completely wrong or not how it was intended to sound and would rectify it as soon as I could to her.
Here is where my confusions start.
I also asked if we are done and through with and there’s no chance. “Wearen’t done, this isn’t done, I want to be in your life still even if it’s as friends, I’m not abandoning you”, “we can still go camping this summer like we planned” I eventually said fine after trying to find a compromise to breaking up and broke down in front of her. She hugged me for 5 minutes and she was crying the whole time or choking back tears while talking. From her background, she HATES crying in front of others due to an alcoholic father who was mentally and emotionally abusive. In 4 years of knowing her she’s cried 3 times in front of me. We are still on eachothers social media accounts but arent commenting on anything but both mutually are looking at posts and “stories”. A friend from work asked if we were done and she didn’t answer the question, she avoided it but did express she is nervous about the thought of talking to me. Since the time we broke up though, it’s been a tidal wave of life. I quit where we both worked at due to stress of the job and being burnt out, my Aunt unfortunately passing and dealing with the breakup. As of this last Monday she returned only my clothes from her apartment and none of the clothes or band shirts I bought her from concerts we’ve gone to together and hasn’t returned the necklaces or other gifts from christmas or birthday. She has been ignoring my texts, messages or calls since the 12th of last month and have no idea what’s going on with that. Quitting work, wishing her a happy birthday on the 26th, my aunt passing, it’s just been a ghost town in the old inbox. Maybe she is mad at me? Her friend wasnt my biggest fan towards the end of things and is VERY possessive of my ex and could maybe be feeding her stories since we worked together? Is she just needing space and time to clear her head? Does she feel terrible and just doesnt know what to say or how to fix this? Was it an impulse break up and she realizes it?
I know this is a book of a first post, but I truly love this girl more than anything short of my family and has been tearing me apart just trying to figure things out, when I know it’s not possible since I’m not in her head.i just I guess am asking if anyone here thinks that this is just a temporary situation and things will eventually return to a happy normal life for us together or if it’s the end of one of the best things to ever enter my life.February 10, 2020 at 11:08 am #337446
“She started off saying it’s not because she doesn’t love me..”- she told you what the breakup is not about, not what it is about.
“She said she is just so overwhelmed with what’s going”- she didn’t tell you why your presence in her life as a boyfriend didn’t reduce her overwhelm; why your presence is increasing the overwhelm factor in her life, instead of reducing it.
She may have good reasons for breaking up with you, but she didn’t tell you what those reasons are.
Can you ask her, saying something like this: I need to know, and I will really appreciate knowing why you broke up with me, specifically, what is it that I said and did- or didn’t say and do- that motivated you to break up with me, not in generalities, not vaguely, but specifically?
anitaFebruary 10, 2020 at 11:26 am #337452
Tha I you for the reply. I will definitely try and talk to her about it and ask her those questions.
I forgot to put in there that she felt like she’s a bad girlfriend for not giving me time she feels she should give me. I calmly explained that I dont need to see her constantly to feel like we are dating or not. “If I see you once a week great! Once every other week, great! Once a month, well get your nice clothes on because we will be doing something nice and special.
She also explained (forgot to put this in as well) that she knows I’ll find someone after her and will sleep with them and how it will hurt her knowing that I moved on. I told her there is no one but her for me and that’s the honest truth… I messed around a fair amount in my high school years and got it all out of my system then. I told her I’d be willing to wait until life smoothed out and when basketball ends since shes in her last year of it and she said its selfish of her to expect me to wait for her.February 10, 2020 at 11:40 am #337456
Dear E Bugs;
It is not unusual for girls/ young women to get scared when they are about to break up with a guy, so they plan what to say at the occasion, so to not make the guy angry.
When she told you that she feels like a bad girlfriend for not giving you time she feels she should, may mean that she is trying to soften the blow of breaking up with you by showing you that she is somewhat tortured by self criticism- which is likely to cause you to comfort her instead of criticizing her further.
When she told you that it will hurt her when she finds out that you will be dating another woman- that may very well be true, but the reason she told you that may be to.. again, soften the blow of breaking up with you by letting you know she will still love you, in a way. It is as if she is saying: don’t get angry at me for breaking up with you, I will still love you!
When you answered each item she brought up, it didn’t change her mind, because the items she brought up were not honest.
I am not saying she is overall a dishonest person; I am saying it takes courage for a young woman (and sometimes older women, and men as well) to tell a man honestly why she is breaking up with him.
“she said its selfish of her to expect me to wait for her”- reads like she doesn’t want you to wait for her because she doesn’t intend to be there for you. Again, softened with self criticism projected into the future, it will be selfish of her.
Post again anytime, and if you ask her what I suggested you ask her (better assure her when you ask her that she will not suffer any negative consequence if she answers honestly, if it is true), you are welcome to let me know her answer and I will reply to you further.
February 12, 2020 at 5:42 am #337762
- This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by anita.
Dear E bugs,
I have to side with Anita here. It reads to me she wanted a peaceful breakup but was also emotional because you were a part of her life and I think she has a good feeling in her heart of your time together. But other than that, I don
t think she will be coming back. Not for the right reasons to be exact. Yeah, she is really young, she might get cold feet, or get lonely, or really miss you, or see the grass aint greener either, but those reasons are all bad to reconnect with a person. And you shouldn`t aim for so little.
m sure she had her reasons to break it up, but again, the excuse of a busy life etc is bs to me, Im sorry to tell you that. How many times do we feel the need to push are loved ones away when we are going through rough times? On the contrary, it
s support we crave the most. So I doubt thats the real reason and you know that too. Especially since your relationship was fine and in good standing. It makes no sense. But we do have to entertain the possibility of her friend to have putten words in her mind about you and cause her to doubt your future together. She may have cut it out of fear and out of the false certainty you were going to break her heart. If that is true, again, it`s for the best you split up. You need a person mature enough to make their own decisions and not be so easily swayed by others or be so insecure.
t wait for anyone at this point in my life. And I would advise you the same. 7+ billion people, wait for what? For who? Its trully romantic to think about all the movies of soulmates reuniting but not in the real world…