And I mean say good night to me. Even if he just snuck and whispered it and no one knew he was about to go to bed. I felt like I should be important enough to at lest let me know

The wedge was that my ex husband decided to put a trailer to live in on my property in spite of me telling him absolutely not but because the house is in both our names there wasn’t any thing I could do to stop him legally. My guy ended up deciding because I “didn’t do enough to prevent it”,  in his eyes, and he came to the conclusion that I really didn’t want to move on to the next step with him and backed off. And no amount of words would change his mind. In spite of me looking for jobs in his area, (oh also we live about 2hrs from each other), looking for houses with him, changing all my dentist, doctor stuff to that area, etc. To me it is something resolvable because I knew my ex husband would be leaving as soon as he could (he left after two months and while he was there he only stayed in the trailer when it was his time with the kids).

My conclusion was that he felt insecure about how I felt about him and rather than talking about it, he bounced before he got really hurt. But apparently it was a bigger deal to him, something that wasn’t resolvable. Of course that makes me feel like he wasn’t as “all in” to the relationship as I thought. It just sucks because we went from happy couple excited about our future to him thinking I didn’t want to be with him. Which couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

I just hate that it’s been half a year and our separation/break up is still as fresh as it was when it happened. I’ve never taken this long to get over someone. Even the thought of going on a date with someone else gives me anxiety.

Oh for sure! That definitely was a thought that crossed my mind. Then projected his fears on me rather than owning them. Saying I was the one that didn’t want it. I just want the constant thinking about him, missing him and feeling abandoned to go away! If he doesn’t want to be with me then my brain needs to get over it already! I just hate feeling like this!

That is a very good point. I didn’t even realize that’s how I phrased it. And I guess if I’m honest l, my heart wants to have hope, my brain however is realistic. So there’s a lot of back and forth. Like I’ll catch myself having conversations with him in my head about how things went down or my opinion on his or my behavior. I try to me mindful of that and acknowledge what I’m doing and change the subject in my head. What really helps me is my work. I have two fantastic jobs that I only recently got and working all day then coming home and momming it up with my kids helps so much. The weekends kind of blow because the kids are with their dad and I’m alone. My friends who live by me do Kid sports and other family stuff so a lot of times I just hang out by my self. It doesnt help that I live in a remote area so there’s no meet up kind of activities I can go to and meet new people. I mean I could go to the local bar but I’ve been giving my liver a break. (As they say when the heart and brain fight, it’s the liver that suffers). I don’t need to bring myself down farther!

I know I’m gonna be ok, it’s just the missing and omg the dreams! I have dreams about him, like doing normal every day things and I wake up all discombobulated. So yeah I still cry about it from time to time. Ok now I’m rambling! Ttys

Yes it is. I’m just so sad still. I don’t just want any one, I want the one I love to love me back. I hate that time isn’t making things better. I think I’ve cried every day for the last two weeks. I hate that I believed him when he told me how he felt about me. I hate that it ended up all being untrue. And I hate that in spite of that I still feel the way I do about him.

Anita I really do appreciate you taking the time to answer each time I comment. It really means a lot that there are caring people that will help people they don’t even know. Friends are kind of hard to come by for me at the moment and I’m glad you’ve helped me feel better by talking with me.