December 30, 2013 at 5:25 am #47939
I’ve been wanting to have some unbiased input into my situation, and having trolled the
internet have decided TinyBudda is a good place to share.
Met my American husband on holiday, he was working, kinda think it was my body
clock ticking that kicked in. fun 2 weeks,he arranged to visit, cancelled the day he
was supposed to arrive. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING THERE AND THEN.
Instead wrote him a letter to which he responded with a phone call, I visited him
again and apart from his infidelity 7 years ago (we split up for about 8 months.
He met a woman on a flight back to work, told her we were seperated (news to me)
we’ve been together ever since.
Its not been a match made in heaven since day one, but I got pregnant and we
just did what you do. . Get on with it, 2 boys later (now 16 and 17yrs). I was 36
and he was 32 when we met. It worked because he worked away alot but just over
4 years ago he lost the travelling job. Since then we’ve run a burger van locally to
where we live, and quite honestly it’s been really hard.
Money has become very tight and he’s always been used to having money. I have
income that has really kept the roof over our heads. After about a year of working
the burger van together I was getting a little unhappy as felt more and more was
being piled on me. I kept the house, shopping for home and business, running two
teenagers around (he doesn’t like driving in the dark, but he also likes to drink beer
every night), so I quietly got on with what I had to do and pretty much let him do
what he wanted. He got into conspricacy theories on the internet and slowly
became obsessed. I felt he was getting depressed but didn’t know what to do.
We’ve not been very good at communicating with each other. We did talk a little
about seeing someone but finances were tight and he didn’t feel it was necessary.
Last June there was something he wanted to go to, and I had a friend (girl) who
he knew and was also interested in going. They went, when he came back I could
tell something was different, I asked him..he got a bit anxious – and then went on
to tell me that he had told my friend he had feelings for her, but they had agreed
not to act on anything for a COUPLE OF YEARS , but if things didn’t get better
with me, they would get together then. I told him to go now, life’s too short. He
did go for a couple of nights, but came back in the day to work. Then she blew
him out and he came back saying he didn’t have anywhere else to go…He keeps
making the point they didn’t have sex, but to me, it was almost worse. I would have
kept cooking dinners inviting my friend round, and they would have had this
lovely little secret…:(
He’s been sleeping in a caravan on the yard since June. He was trying to get
back with me for about 6 weeks, then he had to go to the USA, for a family event.
The morning he left he asked me if there was a future for us, and I said as of that
moment, i didn’t think so. Anyway he told his family what was going on, and his
stepmother gave him a letter his x-girlfriend before me had written to him and sent
to his parents home, 18 month before, she had kept a copy of it and sent the
original back with a note saying what he was up to. I had confided in his step
mother when they had visited us, that things were tough…
So here I am having to see this man every day, whilst he carries on his on line
(email and skype) fantasy relationship. I did do some spying and read some of
their emails. On the 19th August he was asking me if there was a future, on the
25th August he’s emailing her to say it’s brilliant they are in touch again, and that
it was brilliant because we had split up in June.
I do know I am a hard person to please and he has felt for a long time nothing is
good enough, so I guess he got defensive and stopped even trying. He wanted
more sex and I wanted help and to feel appreciated. He’s got a sign in his
workshop that says ‘you don’t have to earn love’. because I was trying to get him to
see if I didn’t feel so overwhelmed I’d have a more room for him.
I’m so very sad at the moment, but I’m also hurt, angry, and a little scared.
We have decided to sell some of our garden for building plots to get some money so
we can split up but that could be months away..
I think I have underlying issues about loss, as I lost both my parents by 30.
I do some yoga and meditation, but find myself indulging in less helpful ways of
helping myself. I pour a glass of wine, and light a cigarette and I know it would
help me so much more if I went in my room and did my practice. Why and I
finding it so hard to help myself.
Any feedback would be helpful
xxxDecember 30, 2013 at 10:28 am #47960MarkParticipant
I suggest that you keep up your yoga and meditation and make it a daily practice. It can only help.
Why is so hard to help yourself? Probably because you feel overwhelmed and alone in dealing with such a situation. But in some ways it does not matter about the “why.” You will be better off focusing on taking care of yourself in the here and now.
You have some sort of plan in splitting up with the sell off of your garden. You may want to keep moving toward that goal of divorce and take steps in making that happen, i.e. getting a divorce lawyer and finding out what you need to do. I think that if you have concrete things to do toward making your life better then you will be occupied in a good way instead of dwelling on the suckiness of your present situation.
MarkDecember 31, 2013 at 5:26 am #48048KatParticipant
I’d like to comment here as my current situation is somewhat similar First I read he enjoys beer, 2nd I read he has been unfaithful. I not completely sure I have this correct, you now have 2 teenagers your raising yourself. The question I would be asking myself is do I need another teenager? If you could find time in your already overwhelmed circumstances find a support system, positive people that care about you and help you to be positive in your thinking and start to enjoy being you. Life is too short not to enjoy, Start loving yourself and fill your life with fun and friendly, positive people.
My husband and I are still together we shouldn’t be tied together only because we both own this house with a mortgage I felt as though my back was against the wall and there was no where for me to go. My husband is very negative especially when he has too many beers, I found myself also becoming negative well thanks to family I will be walking away. I am seeking a good support group of positive people. My life and feelings have been negative to long. I don’t want my life to be this complicated. I am just going to walk away and leave 15 years of trying to make a negative situation a positive situation I believe it can’t be done I won’t look back as I move forward. I’ve tried that I do not regret and neither should you. You have this food truck you have an opportunity to be with people and make it fun. Yoga and mediation are great for you spiritually and do have a calming effect. JUST DO IT YOU CAN MAKE IT BETTER THIS IS YOUR LIFE< LOVE IT< LIVE IT WELLDecember 31, 2013 at 6:02 am #48049
Thanks Mark and Kat for your support and thought for my situation. I will be back again soon, but have things to do with the boys. Love and Peace and may 2014 be a good Year xxxJanuary 3, 2014 at 10:15 am #48266lovinggirlParticipant
Here’s how you take care of yourself.
End this relationship. I find it very helpful to take care of my body (I dont drink or smoke, I work out religiously 6 times a week) – no matter HOW SAD you are just push yourself.
This man doesn’t love you because he has no self respect and love for himself. this is NOT your fault. Its not that you are not lovable and awesome….you are with a man who is incapable of a real intimate relationship.
Cut your loses, move on,January 4, 2014 at 4:47 am #48370
I just been trying to write in response to your helpful comments, and every time I start on a line of thought, I end up having to delete it, cos it’s either me making excuses for him or me moaning about what is now involved in going our separate ways. I feel like I’m in limboland.
Kat, if I wasn’t the one who came into our marriage with some financial backing I think I would walk away too, but we are working on not getting involved with lawyers to much, by coming to some arrangement between ourselves, although I am finding it hard at the moment to even look at him let alone sit down and work on it.
Lovingirl, I think you are right about him being emotionally unable to have a real imtimate relationship. I could write pages on the ideas he’s talked about but only the ones that he directly benefited from came to any fruition.
All comments are helping me see (in my darker moments) that I can and will get through this, so thank you again.
Love and Light xxx