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I've been destroyed

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  • August 29, 2014 at 5:24 am #64083
    Lauren
    Participant

    Two years ago I wouldn’t be thinking this at all, and I need help. I’m only fifteen, and yes I realize that’s apparently considered way too young to be mentally unstable and depressed, but that’s not true. Anyway, I need to get through this. And I need help. I’ve been close with people, EXTREMELY close, and the next day they just throw me away. This has happened repeatedly, and I’m not okay anymore. I’m just not, I’ve got anxiety, I used to love to cook now I can’t even think about going into the kitchen to do anything. But I have to because I can’t stress my parents out. I had a best friend of two years recently leave, he found a girlfriend (this matters because he and I DID love each other) and now he won’t really talk to me because she doesn’t want him to. It crushed me, how much I thought he cared and how much I thought I mattered to him. Though I realize this means he probably wasn’t worth it, I can’t get myself to think that. The next one happened just before that, he and I were close as close could be, we slept on calls each night (due to the fact that he’s in another state, we met over the internet,) we were constantly talking, each time he got off work he would call me and we would stay on calls for hours just talking about nonsense, he’d be the first person to tell me good morning and good night, I always loved hearing his voice. And now he’s gone. He found another girl, and I can’t stand going through this so much, it’s the fourth time it’s happened. I get close to someone and BAM, they have another girlfriend all of the sudden. Why? Am I not good enough? I just don’t understand, and it’s completely broken me. The friends that have stuck by me (which are not very few,) have noticed that I’ve changed. They tell me I have a negative attitude, that they feel like I don’t even care about life anymore, and the sad thing is, that’s how I feel as well. What can I do, how can I get myself out of this and get motivated, to make myself happier? I’m getting there with the first one, the guy that was my best friend, because I was falling out of love with him anyway and I realize I don’t love him anymore, so I’m alright with him. But the other one, the one I stayed on call with all the time, this is where I really need help. He made me feel so much better, I was me, I was getting up and cleaning the house randomly, I was waking up and not feeling tired, I was able to get so much done and be happy, and now I can’t anymore. And I want nothing more than to go back in the past and change what happened between he and I, because I really need him. I live in the middle of nowhere where I don’t have any physical friends, so I rely on internet to help me. I can’t get a job because there’s nowhere around, I can’t go on walks without dragging my sister with me because my mother doesn’t want me alone (and getting my sister out of her bedroom is some seriously hard work,) not to mention I can’t find the motivation or want to do anything. I only wish I could tell my mother I want a therapist to talk to, but that would stress her out. Please help..thank you to anyone that reads this.

    August 29, 2014 at 5:26 am #64084
    Lauren
    Participant

    I also forgot to mention I’m homeschooled.

    August 29, 2014 at 8:28 am #64096
    Samdlb
    Participant

    Hi Lauren,

    Without digging any deeper, I get the feeling there has been some situation in the last couple of years that has happened to you.

    You seem to have a strong desire/connection to guys who are older than you, and a need to be loved and accepted. This, no doubt, would have arose from certain circumstances but that is not the important issue here.

    You also seem to have a fear of putting your mother under undue stress?

    Anyway, without going into your past I think I have some advice that will hopefully help a little.

    First of, and probably the hardest step – you need to realise that the situation you are in; isn’t your fault. That may seem weird hearing as I don’t know you or whatever you have been though, but from experience it’s important to first realise it isn’t your fault, and you certainly do not deserve to be feeling how you feel.

    Secondly, a little phrase you may want to read a few times “We are what we love, not what loves us back.” (Sorry I really can’t remember if it’s from a song/quote/speech).

    Next up, and probably a point you might not like, you are only 15. I’m not making this point as an excuse to say “cheer up” etc, but rather to bring up the point that – you still have the chance to do everything you desire and wish to achieve. Ironically, today’s quote is: “Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny.” ~Steven Pressfield

    Following on from that, it isn’t a sign of weakness to admit you haven’t got everything sorted out. I’m 21 and I still feel like a kid. I get the impression you have grown up very fast and perhaps the pressure has been on you to act older than you are – but you are still a kid, so don’t feel bad for asking your mum for help. You’re her child, she would do anything to help you be happy, give it a chance.

    I hope this has helped a little, you seem very confused and it’s come at me really fast so hard to get my head around!

    August 29, 2014 at 8:34 am #64097
    Lauren
    Participant

    Sam, thank you for replying,There have been several things that have happened to me the last couple of years that I’d rather not go in to detail with, but it was traumatic to say the least. You’re exactly right, it’s cool you picked up on it, that I’ve been pressured to act older. And I have, not only because of my family situation but because I am more mature in my mind and body and such, and I feel as though I could be 18-19, and sometimes wish I was just to make me feel a little better. There’s so much I want to do, but I just don’t have the motivation to do it. But as much as I want to ask my mother for help, some kind of help, I just couldn’t do it because for one, that would involve explaining to her my exact feelings and most of that is loneliness and depression, and I know at the times that gets mentioned it makes her feel like she failed as a mother, and that is the last thing I want her to feel. But also due to our situation, we don’t exactly have the money for me to look for some kind of therapist or someone to talk to, we just don’t. That’s my only problem with being outright to her about my situation. It would stress her out, make her feel like she’s a failure as a parent, and also make her more upset because she knows we can’t afford things like that. Thank you so much for replying.

    August 29, 2014 at 9:00 am #64099
    Samdlb
    Participant

    Although not a quick fix, there is something that I think might be able to help a little? You seem like you are a very “emotional” person? You go through a lot of mood swings, either really happy or sad and depressed, and a lot of the time your sad is when your mother is home with you? I don’t know if you are a spiritual person or not – I wasn’t, but the more things happen, the more spiritual I’m getting…
    I might guess that a lot of your sadness and lack of motivation and confusion isn’t entirely all yours, and a lot of the pressures and hardship of life that your mother feels, you are soaking it up. I’d really suggest you do some reading on some meditation. You don’t have to sit around and hum, but just find something where you can clear your mind and block everything else out. By blocking out other people’s emotions you might find a bit of clarity and feel a bit happier?

    I’m sorry for the stuff that you have gone through, you really didn’t deserve it.

    August 29, 2014 at 9:03 am #64100
    Lauren
    Participant

    Most of the time I’m sad/depressed, literally 90% of my mood is that. I’m more happy when my mother is home, honestly, because she works and it’s really lonely without her. But it is very true that I’m feeling what my mother is feeling, and the fact that she’s got that kind of stuff going on in her mind makes me feel responsible for taking care of everything. Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll definitely read up on it. 🙂

    September 6, 2014 at 5:20 pm #64486
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Hi Lauren,

    You are young and need to deal with depression now before it becomes a bigger issue into adulthood.

    Please read the following short article – it will help get you:

    http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Depression

    God bless !

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